Splitting up - Help

AlwaysWorking

kazwookie wrote: »

I would have packed his bags by now, and dumped them on his 'friends' door step, by now!

Nice idea, but that would only make things a hundred times more difficult as I think the OP and her ex own the house jointly...so she can't even lock him out as he has as much right to be there as she does.

My ex lived with me so when he left I packed up all his stuff and put it in the garage for him to collect. It made me feel a bit better than the thought of him being in my house with a friend deciding what to take...but it still hurt like hell.

Lucy_Lastic

I've been there - it hurts. As someone else said earlier, he should do the decent thing and move out, move in with his "friend" (rent free) continuing to pay his part of the mortgage until the house is sold.

Have you agreed on the financial split if there is any equity, or will that be cause for argument? Don't get solicitors involved, it's too expensive!

sp1987

Pinkfairywings wrote: »

Thanks again for all your kind replies, makes me feel I'm not going insane!

I know I have to stop doing things for him, I have been doing his shopping and washing etc and I know it must stop!

I am going to try and get out there! I have just joined a gym as like neneromanova says I have let things go a bit and although I dont want him back now as I could never trust him, I want to make sure he sees what he is missing out on!

74jax - you are right I am not quite ready to start going out to classes/night college etc but I am looking in to it as I really need to get out there and find some company/ support that is in no way related to 'us'! My work friends are being amazingly supportive but have never suggested going out, but I might bite the bullet and see if a couple want to go for coffee or something, I have nothing to lose

Thanks again, its so nice to feel I have some support!:T

My immediate feelings are, make him sweat. You do not want him back, he is an absolute waste. As obvious as it is that you can't switch your feelings off, you must not show them to him. You certainly should not massage his ego with tales of how upset you are without him like he's some sort of loss. You want it the other way if anything, him trailing after you like a lost soul.

Disappear out unannounced, all dressed up (even if it's just to Tesco, just don't say where you are off!). Wear clothes that were never comfortable and heels too good to walk in. Come in laughing and joking on your phone (even if you have to ring your mother)! Let out a little giggle every time you get a text (even if it is orange telling you what your bill to pay is!)Show him exactly what an amazing and fun person you are and how much he obviously held you back from yourself. All he will hear is ''don't speak to her'' from the other woman and you will be a shining example of just what he has lost. You ''haven't got time'' to do his washing and shopping with your new busy, happy, gym life. Tell him he will have to find time himself to accomplish those most minor of personal activities!

Any civil conversation you have, tell him about your plans to do this or that ''when I have got rid of this house''. I'd probably go a bit further and ask if he would consider moving out and living with the other woman whilst the house is sold as you don't feel ''entirely comfortable'' inviting ''new friends'' round for the evening with your ex there (that just screams I have other men interested and you'll get in the way). See what he says. His mind might go into overdrive, good job too! He shouldn't be told to move out, it is his house too. But it may help make him feel sidelined in your affections.

He needs to see he has missed out on you and everything you offered him. He won't get any of this if you wallow in yourself, eat and end up so broken you can't even move. For God's sake don't start interfering with this other woman it seems desperate.

Live well, enjoy life and think of how miserable you would have been if you had have got married and had a few kids before he did this. His loss, your gain. You just don't know it yet!

Stephb1986_2

sp1987 wrote: »

My immediate feelings are, make him sweat. You do not want him back, he is an absolute waste. As obvious as it is that you can't switch your feelings off, you must not show them to him. You certainly should not massage his ego with tales of how upset you are without him like he's some sort of loss. You want it the other way if anything, him trailing after you like a lost soul.

Disappear out unannounced, all dressed up (even if it's just to Tesco, just don't say where you are off!). Wear clothes that were never comfortable and heels too good to walk in. Come in laughing and joking on your phone (even if you have to ring your mother)! Let out a little giggle every time you get a text (even if it is orange telling you what your bill to pay is!)Show him exactly what an amazing and fun person you are and how much he obviously held you back from yourself. All he will hear is ''don't speak to her'' from the other woman and you will be a shining example of just what he has lost. You ''haven't got time'' to do his washing and shopping with your new busy, happy, gym life. Tell him he will have to find time himself to accomplish those most minor of personal activities!

Any civil conversation you have, tell him about your plans to do this or that ''when I have got rid of this house''. I'd probably go a bit further and ask if he would consider moving out and living with the other woman whilst the house is sold as you don't feel ''entirely comfortable'' inviting ''new friends'' round for the evening with your ex there (that just screams I have other men interested and you'll get in the way). See what he says. His mind might go into overdrive, good job too! He shouldn't be told to move out, it is his house too. But it may help make him feel sidelined in your affections.

He needs to see he has missed out on you and everything you offered him. He won't get any of this if you wallow in yourself, eat and end up so broken you can't even move. For God's sake don't start interfering with this other woman it seems desperate.

Live well, enjoy life and think of how miserable you would have been if you had have got married and had a few kids before he did this. His loss, your gain. You just don't know it yet!

Totally agree with this well said!!! :beer:

I hope your ok

Steph xx

pixelation

sp1987 wrote: »

My immediate feelings are, make him sweat.

Disappear out unannounced, all dressed up (even if it's just to Tesco, just don't say where you are off!).

Any civil conversation you have, tell him about your plans to do this or that ''when I have got rid of this house''.

He needs to see he has missed out on you and everything you offered him.

Live well, enjoy life and think of how miserable you would have been if you had have got married and had a few kids before he did this. His loss, your gain. You just don't know it yet!

Great posting! :T
Exactly the right sentiment. OP, I hope you can get your strength together and get through this difficult time.

littlemissmoney

Stop washing and shopping for him NOW! You are housemates now. Have a shelf of the fridge each. Have your own washing basket in your bedroom (I assume you are not sharing a bedroom?!).

benb76

Living together is not an ideal situation, but unfortunately he has as much right to live there as you. It may be worthwhile trying to do a deal with him on the mortgage. For example, when I split with my ex, she moved out and continued to pay 1/3rd of the monthly payments.

The advice given above regarding getting yourself a new social life and just doing housework for yourself is good. Try not to let yourself get too bitter about things though, it sounds like the relationship has run its course, at least he has been honest with you and not strung you along any further.

neneromanova

How is everythingPinkFairyWings?

Pinkfairywings

Hello everyone, thanks for the replies - this is the first time I have been able to get on a computer properly!

I have tried to take the advice off here and be strong! I went and had my hair done and also have been out with my friend a couple of times
I was doing really well until the bank holiday weekend, which the ex spent with me and I quite happily went along with it as I was glad of the company! Then on the Monday night he went to see 'her'. He got all dressed up and came in asking if he looked good etc and I just broke down He was gone for hours and I just sat and cried! I was still up when he got in and I flipped saying I wanted him to move out as I just cant move on whilst he is there.

Fastforward to him speaking to his parents the following evening and they are refusing to allow him to move back in properly as they feel I am shutting him out of his own house (for valid reasons! :mad:) So the best I have got is that he will be there from Friday morning and come home Monday after work, which is better than nothing!

I was really good last weekend and although I sat crying after work on Friday I didnt initiate any contact with him! Although I did have to phone him on the Saturday but it was all 'house' related. I was feeling stronger and although terribly lonley knew that I needed to get through this in order to get over him.

When I got in last night he was there and as soon as I walked in he grabbed me and hugged me, saying how much he had missed me I tried not to recipricate but he just kept saying what was wrong! I couldnt stop myself later on when he kept asking for a hug, I just wanted to be close to him (as much as part of me hates him! )

I went to have a shower early to stay away from him as I know its not right to be so close. Anyway i was doing my hair and the next thing I know he has got in the shower with me! The bathroom door doesnt lock btw! He starts hugging me and saying he needs me and was rather turned on. I just rinsed my hair and got out not knowing what to say! It is her he is texting and wanting to be with but I just feel I fill a gap when she is not there He even got in to bed with me this morning, I just dont know what to do!

Im sorry for the rant, if you are still with me this far! I just dont know what I am going to do - I have nowhere else to go and he will only be away for 3 nights in the week! Our house has had no interest and the longer it takes to sell the longer I have to remain in limbo!

I feel like I am taking 2 steps forward and 10 steps back! I know he is manipulating my emotions and it hurts! Even though I dont want him back, part of me still loves him and wants him
Sorry for rambling on, just felt I needed to write everything down! Thanks for reading

movingforward2010

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