child access

itsallinthemind

itsallinthemind wrote: »

I would write a letter, sent recorded delivery and a copy sent. I would then outline the current situation and explain that you feel it is inapropriate to visit her home (this worries me anyway as it could lead to allegations!) then propose a contact plan.

You could start by asking for an hours visit weekly at a local playgroup? Neutral, safe etc. Then after say 8 weeks, 2 hours trip out unsupervised, then after a further 8 weeks 8 hours trip out, overnights after another 8 on a fortnightly basis with a few hours trip out on the alternate week. The reason I suggest these times is that is what 3 people have been given for a younger child that they have had no contact with.

If she refuses and you go to court, you would have shown that you are looking at age appropriate contact from the view point of the child and are actively working calmly and that your ex is just being difficult. It would pretty much mean it is granted unless there are major reasons to question your abilty.

OP Sorry to quote myself, but you really do need to get a proposed contact plan in the post asap. If it is refused and it goes to mediation then court, it can take up to a year till the final hearing. Three friends have got the exact plan above granted, so it would seem the standard. By offering the standard you are going to be showing you are aware of the childs needs, not just your own. To be frank, the Family Courts are not interested in your needs!

mummy_Jay wrote: »

This leaves me with the feeling you will chose your partner over a good relationship with the child and that at some point you are going to be put in the position to have to make that choice.
It seems to me that the OP's partner has been very good! If in the same situation I would not want my partner spending time with the woman he cheated on me with! In my view the women are never going to get on and they do not need to, they do not need contact ever. The only thing the OP needs to ensure is that both women will not make derogatory comments about the other infront of the child.
And yes that will mean accepting there will be times when you have to spend time alone with your ex (discussing the child on neutral territory), and you should be able to visit the child in its home.

Why? All contentious issues and discussions about education etc can be discussed via email. It keeps it non emotive. Even parents who get on well will use this method.

There is no need to visit the child at home, only collect from the door. I actually know not one person who goes into their ex's home! Apart from myself and my ex. However, that is because we have been through hell and back, we finally decided to take our heads out of our backsides and will occasionally visit each others homes or go out on a day trip together. We are quite matey and will text randomly during the day to update on silly little things etc. This is RARE, not the norm'.

Social Services, CAFCASS and the Courts would NEVER suggest that the OP visits the child only at home, because it leaves both parties open to allegations. Also for most people it will be a very uncomfortable feeling and will not be a relaxing experience.

Sorry for droning on, but OP get your letter off, keep it factual and child focused.

username999_2

mummy_Jay wrote: »

You say going to the childs home is not an option for you, as your partner doesn't like it. Even though this would be best for the child whilst reconnecting to you. Otherwise it will be a strange place, not exactly good for trying to build a relationship.

This leaves me with the feeling you will chose your partner over a good relationship with the child and that at some point you are going to be put in the position to have to make that choice.

What happens when the child becomes vocal and expresses a dislike of your partner, will your partner be rude to LO? Do also think about the likelyhood your partner will be rude about the childs mother infront of the LO. If you really want a relationship with this child, your partner needs to deal with her issues over what happened or her feels will strain any chance of a relationship with the child you have. And yes that will mean accepting there will be times when you have to spend time alone with your ex (discussing the child on neutral territory), and you should be able to visit the child in its home.
It is going to be horid for your partner (and maybe counselling would help her accept things) but either she learns to trust you and allows you to do what is necessary to ensure you are part of your childs life or your going to have to decide what you really want and what really would be in the childs best interests.

But it is also perfectly understandable that the mother would not want her child exposed to someone who hates her, so I don't think your home should be put forward as an option, until such point as your partner has found away to deal with her emotions. As the hatred you speak of from your partner could have some seriously negative effects on the child. Young children easily pick up on the emotions around them, they don't need you to vocalise them to know how someone feels about their mother.

If for some reason the mother believes there is a chance between you, you need to make it very clear there is not and can never be.

i totally agree with what you say in a way, but there is too much gone off in the past,
my partner isn't normally a nasty person, just when it comes to my ex, believe me, my ex is more nasty to my partner, just because she's got our child doesn't make it ok
she hasn't got a problem with me seeing my ex if it was for say doctors appointments, she just doesn't want me to go there and stay, by the same reasoning, whats wrong with my partner coming with me to collect my child? my ex wouldn't allow that before.
as Ive posted earlier, we tried it and it failed.
i'm looking down the avenue of a play group type thing to start, that would suit us all, its a start at least

username999_2

itsallinthemind wrote: »

There is no need to visit the child at home, only collect from the door. I actually know not one person who goes into their ex's home

a point im trying to make. but agree i need to get to know her 1st

itsallinthemind

username999 wrote: »

whats wrong with my partner coming with me to collect my child? my ex wouldn't allow that before.

i'm looking down the avenue of a play group type thing to start, that would suit us all, its a start at least

Nothing. But if it annoys the ex then you just leave your partner elsewhere or waiting around the road to be picked up as frankly it is not worth annoying the ex over! Your partner may not appreciate this, but if it makes it all less grief, it is the way to go.

Remember, if you were to go to court, the access plan is for the child and you, not your partner. So it would be unreasonable to expect your partner to be involved with initial contact.

Good Try Sure Start first. Whilst the staff are not there to assist you as such, they will get involved if needed. Also suggesting say a Saturday only Father's session means you may meet other Single Fathers who are using the centres in place of a contact centre, which may be useful to you.

RAS

user

Can I just ask, do you have any children with your partner? Tell me to butt out if you do not want to answer.

username999_2

RAS wrote: »

user

Can I just ask, do you have any children with your partner? Tell me to butt out if you do not want to answer.

its ok, no we dont have kids together, we have her youngest daughter living with us who's 14, Ive a 5 year old son who I have a lot and my partner treats him like her own.

mummy_Jay

itsallinthemind wrote: »

Social Services, CAFCASS and the Courts would NEVER suggest that the OP visits the child only at home, because it leaves both parties open to allegations. Also for most people it will be a very uncomfortable feeling and will not be a relaxing experience.

Actually they do when it comes to babies and toddlers that are astranged from the absent parent this frequently occurs unless there is a proven risk of violence to child or mother put forward to the court. Myself and two other single mothers I know have been put in this position, as the courts see it as best for the child. But I'm also very aware different counties/judges have different ideas, so what is normal here, may not be where you are.

sp1987

From what I can see, the ex doesn't seem so bad. She contacted YOU regarding contact of the child? She contacted you to open up a can of worms for herself, possible backlash from your partner and general drama? When she could do what many do and just sit collecting the money paid for the child and raising it as a father hater like many would. I'd say she did that for the child. If she had wanted to cause trouble she would have piddled around doing much more. The partner also seems to be perfectly fair.

If my partner and me were no longer together and he did not have any contact with his child for six months (impossible, he values being a father to our child over playing silly games), I would be waiting for him to contact me, not the other way around.

Looks to me like she is holding out an olive branch to assist the development of her child and you are throwing your toys out of your pram because you have engineered a situation whereby both parties could not possibly get on.

Maybe she did get the hump after a rude conversation with your partner. Maybe she was wrong there. Being the personification of poor decisions you should be sympathetic. You should not have allowed the situation to exist and equally allow the situation to continue by making access to your child something your child's mother and current partner had to discuss. I bet the pair of them were rude, but they should not have been left in such a stand off.

You need to see if there is the possibility of the grandmother/grandfather/uncle/aunt on the mothers side staying with the child whilst you have contact to remove the mother from the situation but still allow someone on ''her'' side to supervise contact. She would be a fool to not wish to monitor that her child was ok, even exclusively for the child's needs. The child most likely spends little time with new people at age 2.5. The child may be particularly clingy and fear ''having'' to leave it's mother for it's father. I know at 2.5 I was scared to be away from my mother for a second, even if left with my father who lived with us and was there every day! Obviously the same would apply if it was the father who had the child all this time.

Poor child.

Bubby

emsywoo123 wrote: »

And you know that do you? that it is just hatred of the partner?
And as far as I can see, the mother has not blocked access........ just supervising it herself, which is EXACTLY what I would do......
Why should the mother have to build a relationship with ex's OH at the moment? There are far more pressing matters to deal with.
As afar as I can see, this is a mother acting in the best interests of the child. Perhaps the supervised contact centre has not been proposed yet, and she may be amenable to this idea?
The only bit of your post I agree with is that we do not know the mothers side of the story.

Of course none of us know the other side to the story, we are all merely making suggestions to help the op on the information provided. I was not talking about the mother and the partner building a relationship I was talking about the partner and the child. Supervised access I agree with even potentially at the ex's house but unfair to be put in the position of having her supervise it maybe she has a friend or family member she could trust to supervise.
Having never been in either sides of this situation I am merely offering an outside view not one tainted by my own personal situation:)

[Deleted User]

I tend to agree about a playscheme or contact centre being a good choice. Your child is three.., not a month old.., it doesn't take a massive amount of knowledge to keep a child of three safe and well as long as u have a brain in your head. Personally I think the mother IS using the child as a weapon to hurt you.., and whatever your actions in the past I think you are doing your best to deal with the situation. Expecting you to stay with the mother in her house is totally unreasonable and I totally believe a court will support this. I do sympathise with your partner.., but all of you have to try and seperate the past betrayals this child symbolises and purely think of what best benefits the child. Its easier said than done.., I do know reasonable behaviour is not something everyone gives, so u have to seriously consider court action.., where u can represent yourself and be willing to use a contact centre etc.

I have a situation on my hands where my ex has stopped seeing our son. He has mild special needs and my ex was very critical of his abilities which was very upsetting. He'd ignore that he was cold in his flat (my son did say so).., sometimes he'd feed him, sometimes not, his gf made it clear my son could not stay over which hurt my son very much (and I got sick of defending my ex), she had some emotional problems (OCD) and it seemed like my son's fragile confidence needed rebuilding every time he came back (seeing his hurt bewildered look every time he came thru my door crucified me). So after he came back yet again practically hypothermic.., I texted my ex and asked if we could have a talk. Yet again he ignored me. So I then had to say he couldn't see our son anymore unless he was wiling to consider his needs more and put him higher on his priority list.

He hasn't even contacted me since.

Its hard for my son.., but I don't feel I had any options left.