child access

emsywoo123

RAS wrote: »

So s/he is 2.5 years old right now.

Ignoring the rights and wrongs here;

1. I totally understand why your OH does not want you consorting with your ex-lover in her house, particularly if OH is not welcome there.
2. I totally understand why your ex-lover insisted that contact with a baby and toddler should be in their own home.
3. Given that you have not had consistant contact with your little one, I also understand why she would want contact to be supervised at the moment, because as far as the child is concerned, you are a stranger (ask a dad who goes OS for months at a time). Ask any mother of a clingy two year old and they will tell you that children can get very upset about being left by their mothers at this age, even with known people.

We simply do not know if the ex is being forceful about this because it allows her to rub you and OH up the wrong way, or because she is unsure if you have enough experience with tiny children or need to develop a relationship before taking the child away from home.

itsallinthemind has suggested a very good progression package that would allow your child to get to know and trust you, for you to learn about his or her little foibles, food preferences and favourite and least favourite activities.



I appreciate that the first hurdle is going to be the hardest but it is one you need to get over.

You may have to be quite blunt and point out to you ex that considering what happened you are sure she fully understands why your OH is very unhappy about you going to her house unaccompanied. You could add that it makes you uncomfortable as well, but you are both going to have to live with the consequences of your little affair for the rest of your lives, so you need to find a way through for the child's sake..

Here here :j

username999_2

RAS wrote: »

So s/he is 2.5 years old right now.

Ignoring the rights and wrongs here;

1. I totally understand why your OH does not want you consorting with your ex-lover in her house, particularly if OH is not welcome there.
2. I totally understand why your ex-lover insisted that contact with a baby and toddler should be in their own home.
3. Given that you have not had consistant contact with your little one, I also understand why she would want contact to be supervised at the moment, because as far as the child is concerned, you are a stranger (ask a dad who goes OS for months at a time). Ask any mother of a clingy two year old and they will tell you that children can get very upset about being left by their mothers at this age, even with known people.

We simply do not know if the ex is being forceful about this because it allows her to rub you and OH up the wrong way, or because she is unsure if you have enough experience with tiny children or need to develop a relationship before taking the child away from home.

itsallinthemind has suggested a very good progression package that would allow your child to get to know and trust you, for you to learn about his or her little foibles, food preferences and favourite and least favourite activities.



I appreciate that the first hurdle is going to be the hardest but it is one you need to get over.

You may have to be quite blunt and point out to you ex that considering what happened you are sure she fully understands why your OH is very unhappy about you going to her house unaccompanied. You could add that it makes you uncomfortable as well, but you are both going to have to live with the consequences of your little affair for the rest of your lives, so you need to find a way through for the child's sake..

that just about sums it all up!

Bubby

emsywoo123 wrote: »

totally totally unfair, this part that I have highlighted. :mad:

If the mother had the best interests of the child at heart she would be happy for the father to have a relationship with his daughter and bearing in mind he has a long term partner then she needs to build up a relationship with her too (however she feels about her)

I agree that if the father is a stranger then supervised visits are the way forward but why should it be the mother that supervises them?
We don't know the mothers side of the story but it doesn't seem like the daughter is being put first, I don't think anyone should block access unless there is a genuine fear for your childs safety and in this case its just a hatred of the partner which is very sad:(

emsywoo123

Bubby wrote: »

If the mother had the best interests of the child at heart she would be happy for the father to have a relationship with his daughter and bearing in mind he has a long term partner then she needs to build up a relationship with her too (however she feels about her)

I agree that if the father is a stranger then supervised visits are the way forward but why should it be the mother that supervises them?
We don't know the mothers side of the story but it doesn't seem like the daughter is being put first, I don't think anyone should block access unless there is a genuine fear for your childs safety and in this case its just a hatred of the partner which is very sad:(

And you know that do you? that it is just hatred of the partner?
And as far as I can see, the mother has not blocked access........ just supervising it herself, which is EXACTLY what I would do......
Why should the mother have to build a relationship with ex's OH at the moment? There are far more pressing matters to deal with.
As afar as I can see, this is a mother acting in the best interests of the child. Perhaps the supervised contact centre has not been proposed yet, and she may be amenable to this idea?
The only bit of your post I agree with is that we do not know the mothers side of the story.

loftus

emsywoo123 wrote: »

And you know that do you? that it is just hatred of the partner?
And as far as I can see, the mother has not blocked access........ just supervising it herself, which is EXACTLY what I would do......
Why should the mother have to build a relationship with ex's OH at the moment? There are far more pressing matters to deal with.
As afar as I can see, this is a mother acting in the best interests of the child. Perhaps the supervised contact centre has not been proposed yet, and she may be amenable to this idea?
The only bit of your post I agree with is that we do not know the mothers side of the story.

Did you miss this part of the OP...

Eventually the mother let me pick up my child and take her home, this lasted 3 weeks before she stopped it and said if i ever want to see my child again I'll have to stay in her house, to which iI said it wasn't fair and said no.

It would be interesting to know the reason why, having had supervised contact and then moving on to being "allowed" unsupervised contact, that the mother decided to stop it.

emsywoo123

loftus wrote: »

Did you miss this part of the OP...

Eventually the mother let me pick up my child and take her home, this lasted 3 weeks before she stopped it and said if i ever want to see my child again I'll have to stay in her house, to which iI said it wasn't fair and said no.

It would be interesting to know the reason why, having had supervised contact and then moving on to being "allowed" unsupervised contact, that the mother decided to stop it.

It would indeed be interesting to know why, but I doubt we ever will. The very nature of this sort of debate online means we only ever get one side.

username999_2

emsywoo123 wrote: »

It would indeed be interesting to know why, but I doubt we ever will. The very nature of this sort of debate online means we only ever get one side.

thats true that you only get 1 side, but i confessed to mostly been the bad guy in it,
the reason that she suddenly stopped me from taking my child again was very petty,
i was due to pick her up that day, but can only give a rough time until i actually get to work then i can give her set time,
but i left my phone at home, ex kept ringing and my partner answered it,
she took the message, but ex kicked off because she wasn't "polite enough"
my partner said she was abrupt, but never abusive, just took the message and hung up,
ex didn't like it, kicked off when i got there, child crying and told me the deal was off and i must start staying at her home again!

mummy_Jay

How long ago did you stop seeing the child?

If you haven't been a constant part of the childs life or have been part of an upsetting time. By which this could just be the upset caused by the child coming to your house without it's mother. It is perfectly undertandable that you would be a stranger to the child and that the mother wants to put her childs best interests first by being there for the child.

You don't know what actually was said to your ex, but you have indicated your partner really really dislikes her. Are you sure its the ex causing the issue?

I'm sorry to say this but this is about the child, and your relationship with them and their mother, not really your partner (your partner is either going to support you or not and that does mean working on a way to get along with your ex, they don't have to be friends but they need to get along). You need to find away to communicate and put the child first. Have you actually sat down and thought about what you are looking for from this? and where you want it to end up.

To me you have too things to deal with here 1. arranging a suitiable access to the LO, 2. sorting out an aminsty between these two women, as the mother of your child is going to be in your life and you are going to need to be able to communicate with her (or harm your relationship with the child by not).

To me access at the mother home, is a good starting point for an hour or two. The next step is getting the ex to agree that you all (including her) go to the park, let her see how you cope and get along outside her home. Take baby steps, talk to her about what you want and agree time intervals when you want to review what you are doing, say evey 6 months. So every 6 months meet somewhere neutral and if need be (and probably for the first few times) take someone along that is neutral (agreed up front) to mediate.

Show her you've thought it out and have a plan, show her you want to work with her to help bring up the LO, rather than tearing the child in two directions.

username999_2

mummy_Jay wrote: »

How long ago did you stop seeing the child?

6 months now

mummy_Jay wrote: »

You don't know what actually was said to your ex, but you have indicated your partner really really dislikes her. Are you sure its the ex causing the issue?

I do because my ex told me, she said that she was rude, I just explained that she was hardly going to say hello, how are you!
they really hate each other, which will never change.

mummy_Jay wrote: »

To me access at the mother home, is a good starting point for an hour or two

definatley a no, tried it before and I'll leave it to your imagination what happened.

I do communicate with the mother when she is talking to me that is,
and I do believe she'll let me take her home eventually, she has before.
Its just where at the start, as Ive said, her home is out of the question because of what happened before

mummy_Jay

You say going to the childs home is not an option for you, as your partner doesn't like it. Even though this would be best for the child whilst reconnecting to you. Otherwise it will be a strange place, not exactly good for trying to build a relationship.

This leaves me with the feeling you will chose your partner over a good relationship with the child and that at some point you are going to be put in the position to have to make that choice.

What happens when the child becomes vocal and expresses a dislike of your partner, will your partner be rude to LO? Do also think about the likelyhood your partner will be rude about the childs mother infront of the LO. If you really want a relationship with this child, your partner needs to deal with her issues over what happened or her feels will strain any chance of a relationship with the child you have. And yes that will mean accepting there will be times when you have to spend time alone with your ex (discussing the child on neutral territory), and you should be able to visit the child in its home.
It is going to be horid for your partner (and maybe counselling would help her accept things) but either she learns to trust you and allows you to do what is necessary to ensure you are part of your childs life or your going to have to decide what you really want and what really would be in the childs best interests.

But it is also perfectly understandable that the mother would not want her child exposed to someone who hates her, so I don't think your home should be put forward as an option, until such point as your partner has found away to deal with her emotions. As the hatred you speak of from your partner could have some seriously negative effects on the child. Young children easily pick up on the emotions around them, they don't need you to vocalise them to know how someone feels about their mother.

If for some reason the mother believes there is a chance between you, you need to make it very clear there is not and can never be.