child access

Money_maker

Bubby wrote: »

I think this is extremely unfair, his partner took him back after an affair and is not objecting to him spending time with a child who was a result of this affair (for which I applaud her) but she is insisting that he doesn't spend time with the woman he had an affair with.
There is no "choice", he simply needs to consult a solicitor and arrange supervised access in a contact centre to begin with (if he is a stranger to the child) and then take it from there and eventually she will be able to spend time with him and his partner. This *ex* is simply trying to control the situation to spite the partner - how petty and in the process she is damaging her child:(

Agreed that this is completely unfair but if you look at Laurens post a little further up, as a parent would you not have some doubts about handing over a little one to a parent that is practically a stranger?

Perhaps ex will work up some trust and OP may eventually be able to take his child for away once they are used to him.

The overriding concern here is for the child, not the mother, OP or his partner.

Michelin

Magpie. wrote: »

When my ex and I split 2 years ago he went 8 months without seeing our 3 year old. He also paid no maintenance, although you say this is irrelevant I totally disagree, it shows a sense of responsibility towards your child.

Maintenance and access are not connected. Some partners pay both maintenance and have access; some want access but maybe can't afford to pay and therefore cannot be denied access to their children - they're not buying their time ie "pay maintenance and you can see your child,,,,"

My ex never paid maintenance and the couple of times I threatened that he would not be able to see our son unless he paid, my solicitor was on the phone within the hour telling me that I couldn't deny access over maintenance and I do understand why. In the ideal world, I agree it shows responsibility towards the child but in the real world, this is not always possible.

atwitsend_2

I am currently in nearly the same position at the OP's ex girlfriend. But no affairs involved :rotfl:
My childrens father stopped seeing them last july, he then makes contact last month and wants to take them out to his new girlfriends house. Bearing in mind, he is now a stranger to my children (hasnt seen or spoke to them in 8 months) I refuse to let him just pick them up and take them round her house, he is even refusing to tell me the address of it!!!!
I have given the option of him coming here so they can build up a bond again (even said new partner could come too!) but he refuses and says that there is no way he will ever set foot in my house.....i have offered to take them out to a play centre, so he can be there and play with them, and me stay out of the way but supervise enough to make sure he doesn't leg it with them....yet he refuses.

so there is just another slant on it. His reason for not coming to my house, is that the new girlfriend doesnt want him to, personally I think its very unfair of her to make that demand! persoanlly if it was me, i would be encouraging my partner to see his kids for their sakes!

username999_2

atwitsend wrote: »

I am currently in nearly the same position at the OP's ex girlfriend. But no affairs involved :rotfl:
My childrens father stopped seeing them last july, he then makes contact last month and wants to take them out to his new girlfriends house. Bearing in mind, he is now a stranger to my children (hasnt seen or spoke to them in 8 months) I refuse to let him just pick them up and take them round her house, he is even refusing to tell me the address of it!!!!
I have given the option of him coming here so they can build up a bond again (even said new partner could come too!) but he refuses and says that there is no way he will ever set foot in my house.....i have offered to take them out to a play centre, so he can be there and play with them, and me stay out of the way but supervise enough to make sure he doesn't leg it with them....yet he refuses.

so there is just another slant on it. His reason for not coming to my house, is that the new girlfriend doesnt want him to, personally I think its very unfair of her to make that demand! persoanlly if it was me, i would be encouraging my partner to see his kids for their sakes!

i do think our 2 are similar to what the parent with care wants, but as you said, your ex's partner should have no problem whereas mine does, and rightly so,
when i did get to have mine, my ex made it clear not to bring my ex along in the car when i picked her up,
the play centre idea does appeal to me
I've just spoken to my partner and she agrees it would be a good idea

itsallinthemind

atwitsend wrote: »

His reason for not coming to my house, is that the new girlfriend doesnt want him to, personally I think its very unfair of her to make that demand! persoanlly if it was me, i would be encouraging my partner to see his kids for their sakes!

Actually I think the partner is a saint!

Anyway OP Court may be the only option although I would try mediation first.

However I think you should try work this out yourself first as you can not keep up mediation/court all the time everytime you disagree.

I have blocked contact before, but with good cause. That said, This is not a baby, but a 3 year old. 3 year olds attend nursery and wake to baby sitters without too much fuss!

I would write a letter, sent recorded delivery and a copy sent. I would then outline the current situation and explain that you feel it is inapropriate to visit her home (this worries me anyway as it could lead to allegations!) then propose a contact plan.

You could start by asking for an hours visit weekly at a local playgroup? Neutral, safe etc. Then after say 8 weeks, 2 hours trip out unsupervised, then after a further 8 weeks 8 hours trip out, overnights after another 8 on a fortnightly basis with a few hours trip out on the alternate week. The reason I suggest these times is that is what 3 people have been given for a younger child that they have had no contact with.

If she refuses and you go to court, you would have shown that you are looking at age appropriate contact from the view point of the child and are actively working calmly and that your ex is just being difficult. It would pretty much mean it is granted unless there are major reasons to question your abilty.

itsallinthemind

username999 wrote: »

the play centre idea does appeal to me
I've just spoken to my partner and she agrees it would be a good idea

Contact centres are brilliant and not as bad as they may seem. They do however cost!

Could you not utilise a local play group, or sure start centre(they are BRILLIANT) or some kind of kids activity centre?

You will not see your ex at a centre, but it may help your parenting relationship to let her stay or leave wherever you take your child?

itsallinthemind

http://www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/earlyyears/surestart/fundedsettings/childrenscentresmap/
Often open weekends and some have Father only sessions

emsywoo123

laurenjs88 wrote: »

I agree with Emsy actually, The only bad person in this scenario is you OP.

Why should your ex let you as a stranger take the baby away from her? And why should she be forced to leave her baby with complete strangers with no training etc... so that you can spend time with a child you dont know away from her to keep your partner happy!

Your relationship with your partner is of absolutley no concern of hers.

Its great you are standing by your child & i appreciate you are in a very tricky situation, but what the PWC is asking for is completley acceptable.

You've made your bed...

Exactly, thank you

not a question of using the child as a pawn.......she does not want to let her child go off with you.
It could be as she feels the child does not know you, she may not like your partner, she may feel your house is not safe, there are 100 possible reasons, and we, some random strangers on the internet that are only hearing 1 side of the story cannot really make that judgement call.
That aside, there are some very real practical solutions here.
I just do not think that casting aspersions on the LO's mother is a particularly helpful thing to do!!!

space_rider

Oh dear what a mess. The way I see it is it would be best to carry on seeing your daughter at your ex`s house until you build up enough of a relationship for her mother to let you see her on your own. Give her mum a time span and make sure you see her regularly. I take it your daughter is happy to be around you.

When my ex had to come to my house to be with my daughter as he hadn`t see her between 18months of age and 7 years, I would stay upstairs and do the bedrooms, bathroom until his visiting time was over. What does your ex do when you are there?

RAS

username999 wrote: »

3 in october

So s/he is 2.5 years old right now.

Ignoring the rights and wrongs here;

1. I totally understand why your OH does not want you consorting with your ex-lover in her house, particularly if OH is not welcome there.
2. I totally understand why your ex-lover insisted that contact with a baby and toddler should be in their own home.
3. Given that you have not had consistant contact with your little one, I also understand why she would want contact to be supervised at the moment, because as far as the child is concerned, you are a stranger (ask a dad who goes OS for months at a time). Ask any mother of a clingy two year old and they will tell you that children can get very upset about being left by their mothers at this age, even with known people.

We simply do not know if the ex is being forceful about this because it allows her to rub you and OH up the wrong way, or because she is unsure if you have enough experience with tiny children or need to develop a relationship before taking the child away from home.

itsallinthemind has suggested a very good progression package that would allow your child to get to know and trust you, for you to learn about his or her little foibles, food preferences and favourite and least favourite activities.

an hours visit weekly at a local playgroup? Neutral, safe etc.
Then after say 8 weeks, 2 hours trip out unsupervised,
then after a further 8 weeks 8 hours trip out,
overnights after another 8 weeks on a fortnightly basis with a few hours trip out on the alternate week.

I appreciate that the first hurdle is going to be the hardest but it is one you need to get over.

You may have to be quite blunt and point out to you ex that considering what happened you are sure she fully understands why your OH is very unhappy about you going to her house unaccompanied. You could add that it makes you uncomfortable as well, but you are both going to have to live with the consequences of your little affair for the rest of your lives, so you need to find a way through for the child's sake..