child access

username999_2

Hello, I will try to keep this brief.
I'll probably come across as a d**khead, and probably am,
Just after a few "outside" views.
Few years ago I had a short fling which resulted in a child, we'd already split before I knew she was pregnant,
baby was born and I had to visit the mothers house and stay there to see the child, she said I could never take her to my home because of the hatred of my partner, this caused problems with her as you can imagine,
would you want your partner going spending a few hours with a woman he had an affair with?
Eventually the mother let me pick up my child and take her home, this lasted 3 weeks before she stopped it and said if i ever want to see my child again I'll have to stay in her house, to which iI said it wasn't fair and said no.
She has just contacted me after several months to see if I want to see my child again, but only at her house,
Ive told my partner and she's all for me seeing my child but she will be extremely upset if I were to start spend time staying at her house again,
it did cause endless rows in both homes before and I cant see it been any different now, back to square one again!
Blood is thicker than water but I've put my partner through some very tough times but she's stood by me,and I do realize I put the mother through even tougher,
It feels like I'm been asked to give up my partner/home to be able to see my child, and vice versa!
I know a few single parents and I don't know any who just don't go and pick up their kids and fetch them back later, why does my ex demand I stay in her home?
totally stumped!

iamana1ias

username999 wrote: »

Hello, I will try to keep this brief.
I'll probably come across as a d**khead, and probably am,
Just after a few "outside" views.
Few years ago I had a short fling which resulted in a child, we'd already split before I knew she was pregnant,
baby was born and I had to visit the mothers house and stay there to see the child, she said I could never take her to my home because of the hatred of my partner, this caused problems with her as you can imagine,
would you want your partner going spending a few hours with a woman he had an affair with?
Eventually the mother let me pick up my child and take her home, this lasted 3 weeks before she stopped it and said if i ever want to see my child again I'll have to stay in her house, to which iI said it wasn't fair and said no.
She has just contacted me after several months to see if I want to see my child again, but only at her house,
Ive told my partner and she's all for me seeing my child but she will be extremely upset if I were to start spend time staying at her house again,
it did cause endless rows in both homes before and I cant see it been any different now, back to square one again!
Blood is thicker than water but I've put my partner through some very tough times but she's stood by me,and I do realize I put the mother through even tougher,
It feels like I'm been asked to give up my partner/home to be able to see my child, and vice versa!
I know a few single parents and I don't know any who just don't go and pick up their kids and fetch them back later, why does my ex demand I stay in her home?
totally stumped!

Do you pay maintenance?

username999_2

iamana1ias wrote: »

Do you pay maintenance?

Yes always have, though I've been told this is irrelevant when it come to access

iamana1ias

username999 wrote: »

Yes always have, though I've been told this is irrelevant when it come to access

It is, but it shows you doing at least some of the right thing.

I suppose you could go to court over the access bit.

tanith

Sounds like your only option is to go to court for access , maybe the kiddies Mum would be more agreeable if you calmly told her this .. not in a threatening manner but as a solution to your disagreement.. let the court decide as it were..
Will she not even agree to you perhaps taking the child to meet/visit with your family if thats appropriate after all she is their grandchild..

username999_2

tanith wrote: »

Sounds like your only option is to go to court for access , maybe the kiddies Mum would be more agreeable if you calmly told her this .. not in a threatening manner but as a solution to your disagreement.. let the court decide as it were..
Will she not even agree to you perhaps taking the child to meet/visit with your family if thats appropriate after all she is their grandchild..

She did say I could take my father along, but still into her home, wont even let me just pick child up and go to a local park.
She's not very approachable in discussing things, its either her way or no way.
I partly understand her because I'm really a stranger to my child, but I'm uncomfortable in doing it her way and it's already failed once.
I did have the feeling she just wanted "to play happy families" and make it look like a normal family, albeit for a few hours, but I reckon that will confuse my child even more.

JBD

Rather than go to court straightaway could you possibly try some sort of mediation service? Or a relative [or one of yours and hers] who could remain calm and not take sides?.Also, it is simply that she dislikes your partner or is there some other reason [history of drug /alcohol use eg].Perhaps you could arrange access on some neutral ground.
If at all possible I would try and avoid courts/solicitors, as resentment can harden and snowball into something nasty.

username999_2

diyfamilylaw wrote: »

Only thing is it can make things worse and your ex might get very upset that you are taking her to court. At least at the moment she seems to be encouraging you to have contact with your child even though it is all on her terms.

she's already threatened me with the courts, and if I do go to her house it would almost certain mean a break up with my partner

JBD wrote: »

Rather than go to court straightaway could you possibly try some sort of mediation service? Or a relative [or one of yours and hers] who could remain calm and not take sides?.Also, it is simply that she dislikes your partner or is there some other reason [history of drug /alcohol use eg].Perhaps you could arrange access on some neutral ground.
If at all possible I would try and avoid courts/solicitors, as resentment can harden and snowball into something nasty.

I don't know of any relative to act as a go between,
my partner dislikes my ex because of the affair, my ex dislikes my partner because I went back to her,
no drugs or anything at all, just hatred between each other,
though I must stress my partner didn't do anything wrong so I don't blame her for me not wanting to stay over there,
and my ex did know I was living with someone at the start,
I was wrong twice!
My ex and I are basically acting like kids, but she holds all the aces.
Think I may have to suggest the supervised visit somewhere and take it from there

Money_maker

If you want to take the opportunity to have a relationship with your child then you must play ball with your ex. Explain the situation to your current partner. At the end of the day, she must either understand your position and back you up or clear off - your relationship with your child is more important.

Yes, your ex is being difficult, but the one who is causing waves is your partner so basically its either her or your child. I cant believe someone who is supposed to care for you could put you in this position - suggest you reassess your relationship.

Chinkle

Definately try a mediation service first then maybe the court route. You need someone externally to help agree arrangements as they don't seem very fair to me.

I'm sure your partner will be a lot happier when you can have access to the child on your own, and in time you can introduce the child to her. Explain that the relationship is all in the past, but the child is part of your present and your future.

Bubby

Money_maker wrote: »

If you want to take the opportunity to have a relationship with your child then you must play ball with your ex. Explain the situation to your current partner. At the end of the day, she must either understand your position and back you up or clear off - your relationship with your child is more important.

Yes, your ex is being difficult, but the one who is causing waves is your partner so basically its either her or your child. I cant believe someone who is supposed to care for you could put you in this position - suggest you reassess your relationship.

I think this is extremely unfair, his partner took him back after an affair and is not objecting to him spending time with a child who was a result of this affair (for which I applaud her) but she is insisting that he doesn't spend time with the woman he had an affair with.
There is no "choice", he simply needs to consult a solicitor and arrange supervised access in a contact centre to begin with (if he is a stranger to the child) and then take it from there and eventually she will be able to spend time with him and his partner. This *ex* is simply trying to control the situation to spite the partner - how petty and in the process she is damaging her child:(