Learning to live my dreams not trample on them

savingholmes

I got a GP appointment sorted and then got another hours' sleep before having shower etc. GP said nothing more they can do but goal should be to come off tablets slowly. I asked about melatonin and trytophan and she said she can't prescribe it as results unproven.... I felt really down today despite walking to and from work... Nipped into chinese medicine shop after work!! Found myself signed up for accupressure and massage and herbal tablets - taking OH with me at the weekend... Just need something to change... I feel my shoulders are rigid with tension, and just feel so tired!!

I am also really hungry and despite being home the last no-one had done anything about tea. So I made them do it when I got in. So DS peeled spuds and OH is cooking them and some chops and veg for tea. He's going out soon with his mate...

At least the house is reasonably tidy still which is positive... I think describing to the GP how I felt and her just saying it will take time and there is nothing more she can do was disappointing.... and made me feel worse... I'm feeling really disconnected at the moment, and so tired...

It went bitterly cold tonight- so much so I bought jogging pants before walking home as I was freezing. Luckily I was able to use some vouchers I'd found at the weekend.

kissjenn

Hi SH,

You're a superstar who has coped with more this year medically than many do in ten.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself permission to have crap, awful days when you just want to curl up and the family to do their bit without nagging or cajoling. :A

Better days are just around the corner, you're still in recovery from major surgery remember that and don't start worrying about Breast Cancer. No-one knows what causes it and if every theory was right every single person would have it and twice on Sundays!!

savingholmes

Hi KJ

Thanks - that just what I needed! Interestingly we were cross-posting on each other's diaries!!

Even tho everyone keeps using the words major surgery I still struggle to believe "I" had major surgery - I don't know whether this is just because it was a planned operation, or whether it is because it didn't affect my heart, liver or lungs but for some reason my head refuses to accept that it was major! After my operation I even tried to look up the definitio of major versus minor surgery!! I am still within the acceptable recovery period - and could have easily been signed off for longer - but I just felt my life was on hold and wanted it to restart.

I also secretly went back when I did because of the offer of the other consultancy work and I was so excited about that and the potential opportunities for the future. I now feel all deflated, and that excitement and adrenaline and promise of £500+ has gone so to be honest in SUMO terms I'm probably unconsciously in "hippo time" and still grieving for that lost opportunity. As any regular readers of my diary will know I also completely over-analyse everything!

I think also I am physically over-doing it - Monday I did about 1300 steps according to my phone but Wednesday I did nearly 9000 and yesterday I did 7000 steps. The 9000 was a good level even pre-op and my best post-op so perhaps its no wonder I felt so exhausted yesterday. It is that annoying thing tho - that you feel you can or must or should do it at the time -and then afterwards you think "shouldn't have done that - I over-did it!"

Last night I was bored - and baked a cake - I overcooked it - but it still tastes nice if you put it in the microwave for a few seconds!

Currently debating whether to work from home today - or go in the car...

kissjenn

I loved SUMO. Met Paul McGee at a works event and liked his approach especially Hippo Time.

You need a good wallow and a good cry every now and again to get the hormones and the world back into perspective.

I've been following your example and got a pedometer, very variable but trying to get over 5000 a day which is good for me at the moment. My cardio is shot to hell but once these drugs are out of my system I went to really build up my strength before the surgery.

We'll get there SH....just one laborious step at a time.

savingholmes

Hi KJ - I have a smart phone and use noom walk it vaguely tracks steps even from my handbag...

5000 steps stills sound good.... There are days when my phone only records about 4000 - those days I decide I cant have been carrying my phone enough LOL Good luck with the pedometer

Just been to MrAs to pick up DD's treat for getting 5 gold stars in a row (for not whinging) - luckily for me she decided she didn't want the (£3) pencil crayons any more she wanted a fluffy pencil case for what she already has (reduced to 75p) and a sharpener (reduced to 50p) so RESULT for me. Her behaviour has been much better and it didn't cost as much as expected.

Mr As delivery arrived but will need to ring them - as I've still not had free delivery put on my account that was promised a week ago and they only delivered 1 of something they said was £7 and said they'd charged me £10.58!!

gilligansyle

Morning SH

You definitely haven't grasped that you have had 'major surgery'. My friend who had the same op about a month before you has only just gone back to work, and is still on reduced hours! I think that when you feel well, you just go for it and then end up really tired.
Probably needs to be a bit more moderation in what you do.

Do me a favour though, stop looking things up! If we all took notice of everything that would 'possibly' cause some cancer or other, we would never move. Yes, there are things that put you at higher risk, but it is just that, a risk; doesn't mean its going to happen.

savingholmes

gilligansyle wrote: »

You definitely haven't grasped that you have had 'major surgery'..

Yes definitely - not penetrated.

gilligansyle wrote: »

My friend who had the same op about a month before you has only just gone back to work, and is still on reduced hours! I think that when you feel well, you just go for it and then end up really tired.

I agree I do over do things but yesterday some cow said to me she'd had the same op as me but due to cancer and still been back full time at 6 weeks!! She said she had no sympathy for people who'd had a hysterectomy anymore.... I know intellectually she was a) being b!tchy and b) probably has lots of unresolved issues about the way she was treated - but it still made me feel bad.

gilligansyle wrote: »

stop looking things up! ..... Yes, there are things that put you at higher risk, but it is just that, a risk; doesn't mean its going to happen.

Yes - my sis is always saying that to me too

Well I tried the accupuncture thing today - but all I felt was a lighter wallet. He wants me to take loads of herbal tablets 3 x a day too but it would be £9.50 a week so don't think I will. I've bought a week's worth will see how I feel after that!

savingholmes

We had a chippy dinner and then went and test drove our new car (did you like the way I slipped that in there)

Not brand new - about 18 months only but only about 14000 miles on the clock. We are putting some money down as a deposit and then it will be about £140 a month for the next 3 years - and then a balloon payment at the end if we decide to keep it. I managed to get £150 knocked off the price but that was it - OH would have just signed up for the full price tho so better than nothing. Insurance is really cheap on it altho I need to see if I can transfer the inurance from my current car to OH and then take out new insurance in my own name. Insurance is only about £250 a year - car tax £30 a year. It has warranty and parts for next 18 months. It has really good mpg too

Should be able to pick it up Thurs or Fri

gilligansyle

New car?!

Is this a joint car, or a car for OH to use instead of the bike? I remember you mentioning it being an issue a while back especially in bad weather.

savingholmes

Hi Gill

Yes - new car. Joint car. We're fed up of the meriva being so unreliable - it stalls 20 times on the way to work. Getting diagnostics run this week - if its fixable we'll fix it and keep it as a runaround (its an 04 plate) - otherwise we'll try and get rid to webuyanycar or similar!! Want a car that's big enough to go on holiday but still has good fuel economy. So now we'll have one.

If the weather is as bad as they say it will be we'll need 2 cars this year as OH struggled to get to work last year on his motorbike in the ice and snow. He has a new boss at work - and he's worried that whereas his last boss let him work from home or borrow the pool car in the snow etc - he doesn't think his new boss will be anywhere near as flexible. There's only so many times you can ask for a favour... The only person who lives in this direction works 12 hour days which doesn't really fit with family life - plus as I say hard to keep asking....

I know it seems like we are spending lots of money at once and building up lots of debt - but at least from our perspective this is on actual assets - pre MSE it was on food, bowling, cinema, treats - nothing tangible. We can afford it easily within our budget as long as we are disciplined....

On a different topic just baking another cake - but will need to nip to the shop shortly to pick up decaff as I've run out!! Frustrating