OH just left.......I'm 11 weeks pregnant....UPDATE

emsywoo123

pigpen wrote: »

Ooh.. you mean he has said what he thinks you want to hear and in the same way a violent man is back in the family home after beating his wife half to death..

Like any other addiction the craving is always there so what would he do? Stay sober until something happened he didn't like? Such as not being the centre of attention once baby arrives?

You won't know if he is drinking. My uncle is a serious alcoholic.. he didn't know his GF was for a very long time.. she is so bad she drinks mouth wash and goodness knows what else and all so very sneakily. Their 2 children were taken into care at 5 month and 20 months.

You need to think very long and very very hard if this is what you want your children to view as 'normal' Well obviously not, that is why he is not here!

Personally there is no way I'd have him in the house until he had had extensive therapy and been free from alcohol for a good few months.. if at all. I 100% agree

You have to do what you feel is right for you and your children.. not him.. he will survive with or without you.. you and the children might not!

I just do not know how I will know if he has stopped-he is a binge rather than constant drinker, so there will be no withdrawal etc.

candygirl

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Right an update.............
He says he will do whatever it takes to get the family back together.knows he has done wrong etc etc.
Will never touch a drop of alcohol again etc.
I am inclined to believe he'll give it a good try, it is the first time he has made that commitment.
However, I do not want him back here while he has this try, as it will be too much of a disruption for both DD and I.
My question is, how will I know if he is drinking?

If I had a penny for each time I heard that from my ex i'd be a multi millionaire by now:(:(

emsywoo123

candygirl wrote: »

If I had a penny for each time I heard that from my ex i'd be a multi millionaire by now:(:(

I do understand, but ex OH has never said he would give up, always said it was my beef.
I'm not saying this is going to work out, and I certainly do not intend to let him back for at least 6-9 months, most likely never TBH.

Redman30

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I do understand, but ex OH has never said he would give up, always said it was my beef.
I'm not saying this is going to work out, and I certainly do not intend to let him back for at least 6-9 months, most likely never TBH.

There's nothing to lose by giving him one chance to clean up, as long as it's clear it's only one chance. Some people get lost in habit, and don't even notice. It takes a major shock/confrontation to shake them out of it, and then they have a chance to maintain that. Some people manage it first time, most don't.

moneysaver599

Hi sweetie
I've just read through this. My ex was almost identical to him!! I thought he could make me happy and would change for me, especially when i became pregnant (i went on to m/c at 11-12weeks). I continually left him and went back to him over and over. We were split up when I was pregnant and I know how difficult that journey is alone!

My Dad was also a weekend binge drinker/alcohol all my life and still is. He is still the same as I remember from my childhood and yet still refuses to acknowledge he has a poor problem. I was barely 16 when I met my ex so I guess I viewed his behaviour as normal as I'd already had 16 years of it at home!

I don't want to bore you with the full details of everything that went on but the short story is I wasted almost two years with him and then one day woke up and realised I did not love him anymore (shortly after my miscarriage). I simply walked out, left my stuff, changed my number and cut off contact with him and his family and never looked back. It was tough but 5 months later I realised I was smiling and walking with a spring in my step again and met my lovely now OH.

I have now been with my OH for 18 months and cannot imagine life without him!! We are expecting our own little baby in November. I hurts me to think that I may not have met my soulmate now if I hadn't made that life-changing decision 6 months before.

I know your situation is a little bit different as you are pregnant and cannot simply cut him out because of your new baby and your DD. Perhaps, one final chance for your ex to change but he must do it on his own without hurting your DD and you in the process. If you two mean enough to him he can and will do it. Ultimately, if he doesn't change he will ruin your life and your DD will remember everything when she grows up.

I know I haven't gone into too much detail but if you want to talk or know more just send me a PM. Take care xx

emsywoo123

I spent the day with a couple who are my dearest friends, I have known them for the last 12 of my 29 years!:D
obv talked lots on this, they know him as well.
We discussed AA. I know he won't want to go, so they said ask him, as if he really is prepared to do "anything" he will go and at least I will see it as a step in the right direction. They pointed out it will buy me time to see if he is serious.
So I have sent that text, will await answer.;)
Even if he goes, I know he could still drink etc, but I think they are right in that it will give me some breathing space and is some sign of his commitment,.
And no, still not going to let him back weather he goes to AA or not.

pigpen

but if he makes some kind of effort providing he is sensible you don't mind him seeing the baby and being involved.. that isn't unreasonable!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Just bear in mind alcoholics don't tend to be reasonable - they will see that the first time they are on their own with the baby is the first time they get a chance to have a few cans uninterrupted.

And plenty can sit through 40 days of AA meetings, secretly thinking all the time 'but I'm not like those people' and only doing it because they have to, going back on the drink as soon as the person they are telling 'you have to trust me, I wouldn't do it ever again, look - I go to meetings every day now' lowers their guard.

Many will just switch to vodka on the days when they need to appear sober. It's hard to smell, doesn't appear to cause the same falling about incapacity as copious amounts of strong lager, and there will be none of the rotten fruit smell that lingers around someone who is a couple of days into not drinking.

You can't tell for certain if an alcoholic isn't drinking, you can only say that it doesn't appear that they are - however, unfortunately, the majority still are - they're just smarter after a bunch of meetings learning how other people evaded detection.

The doubt will always be there - even if he is sober from now until the day your baby is born - the first time he doesn't pick the phone up on the second ring, the moment he is five minutes longer at the shop than you expected, the moment he just have to pop out to make a call - you will be right back wondering what he is doing.

emsywoo123

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Just bear in mind alcoholics don't tend to be reasonable - they will see that the first time they are on their own with the baby is the first time they get a chance to have a few cans uninterrupted.

And plenty can sit through 40 days of AA meetings, secretly thinking all the time 'but I'm not like those people' and only doing it because they have to, going back on the drink as soon as the person they are telling 'you have to trust me, I wouldn't do it ever again, look - I go to meetings every day now' lowers their guard.

Many will just switch to vodka on the days when they need to appear sober. It's hard to smell, doesn't appear to cause the same falling about incapacity as copious amounts of strong lager, and there will be none of the rotten fruit smell that lingers around someone who is a couple of days into not drinking.

You can't tell for certain if an alcoholic isn't drinking, you can only say that it doesn't appear that they are - however, unfortunately, the majority still are - they're just smarter after a bunch of meetings learning how other people evaded detection.

The doubt will always be there - even if he is sober from now until the day your baby is born - the first time he doesn't pick the phone up on the second ring, the moment he is five minutes longer at the shop than you expected, the moment he just have to pop out to make a call - you will be right back wondering what he is doing.

So I just give up then?

lindens

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I spent the day with a couple who are my dearest friends, I have known them for the last 12 of my 29 years!:D
obv talked lots on this, they know him as well.
We discussed AA. I know he won't want to go, so they said ask him, as if he really is prepared to do "anything" he will go and at least I will see it as a step in the right direction. They pointed out it will buy me time to see if he is serious.
So I have sent that text, will await answer.;)
Even if he goes, I know he could still drink etc, but I think they are right in that it will give me some breathing space and is some sign of his commitment,.
And no, still not going to let him back weather he goes to AA or not.

I agree that in order for him to realise you are serious he must join AA and cannot move in for months until he has started to prove himself.

To have this conversation I don't think a text gets your point across, maybe have a face to face chat with him on neutral ground just the two of you. That way he has to look you in the eye throughout the conversation.
Good luck what ever happens