OH just left.......I'm 11 weeks pregnant....UPDATE

mum2one

If you let him come to the consultants with you, to him thats opening a green light, and of course he'll be charming to the nurses, the doctors, and your wonder why, was it your fault, did you make him like that.

You've made the decision to end it, I know its hard, but it sounds like you have a very supportive family, and maybe ask your mum if she'd like to come with you,

The less involvement you have now, the better.

I know the CSA is changing to options maintance, basically where they want the parents to start the payment plan together, but obviuosly f you don't want to meet face to face, they can help although i wouldn't hold much hope out,

when I had dd, (back in 2002), as he wasn't named on birth certificate he can't got dor parental responsibility, or if he does he'll have to apply to court for visatation rights, you put your foot down if you don't want him, if it would have a detrimental affect on your life, it would then be classed as not right conditiond for the baby.

I was on Income support after having dd, and they wanted to chase him through CSA, but when i explained about the relationship, they didn't bother.

If you van have someone where when he picks up his stuff, better for all of you, as that way he has his items but nowt of yours.

You keep your chin up, and look after yourself, dd and bump. xx

Fire_Fox

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I have spoken to his bro via text this evening-he knows what he is like, but not to the extent. I asked if he had spoken to him for his version of events, and apparently he reckons he had one beer and I went mental.
So he is lying to everyone. And I sound psycho.

They will realise in the end, he cannot hide an alcohol problem forever. Try to let what others think wash over you - the ones who are worth it will believe and support you. I ended a ten year friendship with my goddaughter's mum and dad because, having walked out on a seven year [STRIKE]violent[/STRIKE] stormy marriage, it became quite clear they thought I had been unfaithful. :mad: I have far better friends now - people who love, trust and support me unconditionally - and you will too.

mum2one

Fire_Fox wrote: »

They will realise in the end, he cannot hide an alcohol problem forever. Try to let what others think wash over you - the ones who are worth it will believe and support you. I ended a ten year friendship with my goddaughter's mum and dad because, having walked out on a seven year [STRIKE]violent[/STRIKE] stormy marriage, it became quite clear they thought I had been unfaithful. :mad: I have far better friends now - people who love, trust and support me unconditionally - and you will too.

Never a truer word said, same as Fire Fox, I lost a few friends along the way, but the ones I've got now I wouldn't be without and vice versa, even dipped my toe in the relationship field.

x

simpywimpy

He has to do it himself - for himself. Taking him to appts and arranging care will not do it.

Both my ex OH and his family blamed me for his problems by not letting him have a drink when he wanted....(yeah right)

I threw him out about 10yrs ago now and have since remarried.

ex OH is still in the exact same place he was when we split. He still uses the same excuses for his drinking, for not seeing his children, and although I do sometimes feel sad that he has such a rubbish life, I believe we all have a choice. Im not saying it's easy to conquer addiction, far from it, but there is so much help out there these days.

If you still have feelings for him, be strong and make him prove himself over a decent length of time before you allow him back into the home.

neneromanova

As for putting OH on the birth certificate you'll need tot hink hard as this will give him automatic PR meaning he'll have a say in which school bump goes to, if you want to go on holiday you have to ask his permission and you pretty much need his permission to do everything. It's quite a hassle...

rachelhen

Simpywimpy said

"...and although I do sometimes feel sad that he has such a rubbish life"

It is heart breaking to see someone you have loved go downhill through alcohol, but sadly it can drag everyone around them down to and parting from them is the only way to survive.

My ex has now sadly died.

emsywoo123

Right an update.............
He says he will do whatever it takes to get the family back together.knows he has done wrong etc etc.
Will never touch a drop of alcohol again etc.
I am inclined to believe he'll give it a good try, it is the first time he has made that commitment.
However, I do not want him back here while he has this try, as it will be too much of a disruption for both DD and I.
My question is, how will I know if he is drinking?

jackieglasgow

YUou need to think long and hard about this. My sister lives with an alchoholic. He will be sober for months and months on end, and then BAM! it all kicks off again, then he promises to try and they settle down for months again. My DN's have had a nice life with this, but not a good life. They deserve a good life. I have no doubt my sister believes him, and I have no doubt he means it, but he cannot change this on his own, he needs counselling, he needs to join AA or similar, and needs to address the reasons for his drinking before he can overcome it.

The way you will know he is not drinking will be if he does these things, attends meeting, 12 step programme, AA, counselling. He neeeds to show he is serious about stopping drinking before you can start to believe him. You will know he has stopped drinking because his personality will change and all the behaviours which are evident in him, with a drink in him, will not be there. But for your own sanity and the sake of your children, if you are seriously considering rekindling the relationship this has to be the deal breaker. AA. AA. AA. Don't take no for an answer or you'll be back here again in six months' time.

Good luck.

Jackie

xmaslolly76

Emsy i'm glad he is trying to put things right and i think your correct in not letting him back until the worst is over.

As for the how can you tell I dont know in general i can only go off the way my mother is when she drinks verses doesnt drink. I must point out she is a serious alcoholic and cannot function properly without a drink in her system so this will probably be irrelavant to your situasion but when she tries to come off the booze or doesnt have access to it her withdrawl is very apparent with mood swings the shakes cold sweats and sickness. When she has been drinking she can function normally upto a point but when she has to much her eyes glaze you can obviously smell it and she is pretty much in her own little world. Unfortunately she has reached a stage now where i dont think she would ever be able to come off the booze i dont think her body would be able to cope without it unless put on some sort of medical intervention but that will never happen as she still wont admit that she has a problem even though the first thing she reaches for in the morning is an alcoholic drink.

I understand your OH's dependance is not to that level but maybe expect some of the symptoms to a lesser degree if he is going tea total the mood swings especially as he will have relied on alcohol to help him cope and relax during stressfull times. Is he going to get some proffessional help during this time.

Anyway good luck and i hope it works out for you and your family x

pigpen

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Right an update.............
He says he will do whatever it takes to get the family back together.knows he has done wrong etc etc.
Will never touch a drop of alcohol again etc.
I am inclined to believe he'll give it a good try, it is the first time he has made that commitment.
However, I do not want him back here while he has this try, as it will be too much of a disruption for both DD and I.
My question is, how will I know if he is drinking?

Ooh.. you mean he has said what he thinks you want to hear and in the same way a violent man is back in the family home after beating his wife half to death..

Like any other addiction the craving is always there so what would he do? Stay sober until something happened he didn't like? Such as not being the centre of attention once baby arrives?

You won't know if he is drinking. My uncle is a serious alcoholic.. he didn't know his GF was for a very long time.. she is so bad she drinks mouth wash and goodness knows what else and all so very sneakily. Their 2 children were taken into care at 5 month and 20 months.

You need to think very long and very very hard if this is what you want your children to view as 'normal'

Personally there is no way I'd have him in the house until he had had extensive therapy and been free from alcohol for a good few months.. if at all.

You have to do what you feel is right for you and your children.. not him.. he will survive with or without you.. you and the children might not!