should have known better and yeah love is blind

burntfingers_2

Received a telephone call yesterday from aforementioned estate agents enquirying if I had decided on which solicitors I wanted to use as they had an in house one who would charge £495.00 + vat + disbursements. My response was that I was still awaiting for their solicitor to contact me from Friday with regards exactly what disbursements I would need to pay...

Needless to say 'their' solicitor rang yesterday advising would send me out a pack with all the info....as she knew that I was at work, although pointed out that they do have a price match guarantee, so if I found one cheaper then they would match it..:T

One phone call later to a local solicitors, I was advised goes on sliding scale of selling price = £445 inc Vat + disbursements....ie TTC which is apparently telegraphic transfer and that would only be payable if my mortgage company insisted on that to redeem the mortgage. What a result :j a saving of £149.00 :T

Just need the !!!!!! to take off the matrimonial charge and let it go through, haven't heard anything as yet as to when/if this is going to happen!!!

On a lighter note have sold my flat screen tv, dvd/video combi and stereo to a friend for £50 which will now go towards the much needed wardrobes for the new place. My OH has transferred half of the money into my account so will be erecting flat pack furniture this weekend.

No big spends then as flat will be finished. Car Tax and Insurance is next big spend which is due in June but have got £187 so far towards that plus will need 2 new front tyres have been quoted £56 per tyre plus fitting etc....In the meantime I will concentrate on my debts and any spare cash will be used to pay them.

NSD's so far this week...Sun 0, Mon 0, Tues £10 for a meal, Weds 0, Thurs will be huge spend = wardrobes....Friday £10 meal out for lunch with friends, Saturday £70 food well thats the aim, and then aiming for Sunday 0

My son will be coming home from his Dad's tomorrow and my daughter is home too for the weekend, so the food expenditure might increase a little.

Hope everyone has a good day xx

Nottoobadyet

If you can't escape now then you will in the future. You will find the courage to leave and you will have a better life.

What an amazing post. I hope that all of the women in trouble that come to these boards for help can be as inspired by you as I am.

burntfingers_2

Thank you.

The diary was started when I was at my lowest point just after I had kicked him out, initially it was to help me deal with how I was coping with everything, but if it helps another person to find the courage to leave or get out of that kind of relationship then that is a positive.

I am an intelligent woman, at the time I met him I was self sufficient and had brought up my 2 children on my own, who had turned into decent human beings and was comfortably off, always had a credit balance on my current account, had savings, had a decent job and a car. Four years on things are very, very different.

Prior to meeting him I always thought that if someone ever hit/cheated on me then that would be the only time that it ever happened. In truth its very different when you are in that kind of relationship. Its not black and white anymore...the areas have blurred into grey.

At the time that I met him I had come out of a relationship 6 months prior and was on a low ebb and I fell for his charm.

He has told me since and I truly believe him, I had everything he wanted. In fact, he has told me that several times and also he has brainwashed his next victim into believing that he is going to get this lump sum from me which will set up their future together...she even emailed me to tell me so, but at least it made good reading for the solicitor :T

I am just glad that I got out when I did. He half strangled me on 2 separate occasions, amongst other things, I wasn't prepared any longer to give him a third attempt. I knew if I didn't do something he would cause me serious harm.

But that was then, and this is now. My new OH is the most amazing man I have ever met, he is kind, considerate, supportive, caring, loving and my happiness makes him happy. We are slowly moving forwards together. He is my rock and I love him to bits and he does me :kisses2:

I had forgotten what it was like to have a 'normal' relationship, where somebody doesn't control who you see/text/when and where. I have a life and it is wonderful :j

I am a survivor.

Bfxx

moneysavermum_2

burntfingers wrote: »

Hi All

(Hope that this is posted in the correct part !!) Long story please bear with me!

Just over 2 years ago I owed £600 pounds on a credit card. On reading this I think thats not too bad. But the shocking thing is that this now amounts to approx £30000.00.

How the hell did it get to this you may ask?

I had a whirlwind romance, met and married the man of my dreams or so I thought. Turned out to be a manipulative, controlling, jealous, physically violent and mentally abusive husband. Who has made my life a total nightmare, made me into a scared quivering wreck who now has to take tablets for anxiety, has stress rashes over various parts of my body and has recently been signed off sick from work for 2 weeks with my company telling me that I would not get paid. So with a heavy heart and feeling more anxious I asked my doctor to sign me off sick and returned back to work. Devil and the deep blue sea scenario, if I don't get paid can't pay my mortgage, if go back not really fit to work but hey need the money more and hopefully the tablets will kick in soon!

6 weeks ago I took courage in my own hands and had my door locks changed, virtually making him homeless (I am ashamed to say!) But after spending yet another night of where he had deprived me of sleep, called me every name under the sun, and abused me in front of my friends I couldn't take it any longer and called my support worker who arranged for the safer communities team to assist me. What a stressful time? thinking that he would return home at any time!!

The debt arose because he was unable to obtain credit for the things that we needed to buy because either he had damaged things in one of his rants, which ranged from doors/walls/banisters been punched in.. to pictures being smashed, mobile phones thrown at the wall (all because I was trying to call the police) landlines ripped out, landline phones being used as objects to throw at me, remote controls for sky, damaged the screen on the plasma tv because it wasn't a '42" but only a 32" !!:mad:, breaking the shed because he thought we needed a new one, a new car even though mine was 4 years old.....all because he didnt like it!! I used credit cards to support us whilst he was made redundant twice, the second time had taken a job which was £500 a month less but still wanted to continue spending like a good un! Despite me saying we can't afford this and transferring the overdraft onto a credit card twice no less.

It was a case what monkey saw, monkey wanted, monkey got! If he didn't there would be endless rants of I get **ck all out of my wages!! Despite having a roof over his head, taxi (me) everywhere, money for cigarettes, alcohol, clothes, designer work gear etc etc. I would usually end up by paying for not doing what he wanted me to, resulting in me sporting yet more bruises, and hey having to lie to everyone why they happened. Making me feel lower than low, he took my confidence and made me into a wreck.

But that was then and this is now. Reality check. I have gone through all my outgoings with a fine tooth comb. Changed my gas/elec suppliers/always shop around for a better deal, do the downshift everytime etc etc. Been on here a few years as a serial lurker

I have applied for single discount on my council tax and to pay it over 12 months instead of 10, for the water rates 10 months instead of 8. I do not have any arrears on my household bills and my HP agreement for the car is up-to-date.

My income matches my outgoings. There is nothing left to pay the creditors but a token payment. So far I have changed my bank account, taken a 3 month payment break on my mortgage this will enable me to build up an emergency fund (allows me to see a solicitor if I need an injunction or anything if husband becomes violent at anytime).

Just for the record I have 4 credit cards, Barclaycard approx £1800, MBNA Virgin acct £4500, MBNA £3000, M&SFS £4000 Alliance and Leicester Loan £5500, Alliance and Leicester overdraft £1500, Car HP £6000, loan to employer £2500 all these are approximate figures as I said before I am at work and cannot post the exact amounts which I will do at some point in the not too distant future.

The house is in my sole name. The solicitor has said that he is not entitled to anything due to the nature of the breakdown and the fact that the violence started 5 weeks into our marriage. :T Especially as I owned the property for several years and paid the mortgage on my own for that length of time. I do have equity in the property which would pay off my debts. The house is up for sale and has been for a number of months - (the logic been that I could up and leave if I was in a rented house without having to fight him for my own house!!) Have had people round to look at it, but all the viewers have asked about the neighbours house been derelict!?!?! (next door - which just happens to be his mum's house !!) Don't know whether to reduce the house even further or to stay put in this present climate?

I need help and advice and will post my SOA this weekend am going to try and ebay some items this weekend too. Have sold things in the past so hopefully will be able to raise some funds even if it goes towards a repayment on one of my debts.

6 weeks ago I took courage in my own hands and had my door locks changed, virtually making him homeless (I am ashamed to say!)

if its any consolation I too was married to an abusive man and i too locked the doors and got the police to remove him. He has never been back thta was 4 years ago. These people you cant negotiate with so its the only way.

burntfingers_2

I hadn't pre planned it at all. I had talked about it with the other women from the Women's Aid group about having a 3 month plan and planning it all down to when I would change the locks etc.

But in reality it was soooooooo scary. He got up with me, ironed me a t-shirt for work, made me a cup of coffee and then told me that he wanted to talk when he got home from work. I knew at that very point that I would not be talking to him that night, listening to how he will get help with his anger issues, how he was sooooo sorry to have hurt me again etc blah...blah...blah...I don't even think I heard the words, just his mouth moving.

I remember that I was so very, very tired and I felt numb. I drove to my mum's and waited until he had left for his course. I then rang the safer communities and told them that he had to go as I couldn't bear it any longer and that I was scared as to what he would do when he knew that it wouldn't wash anymore.

Talking to my support worker on the phone was so stressful, I was panicking that he would come back before I could get the locks changed. I packed all his belongings making sure that I double bagged everything. Ensuring that there was nothing left that he could hassle me for etc.

I can type it all now without sobbing, I am healing and I know that he will never have any hold over me again and that I am safe. I have escaped.

My sister in law is having a 40th birthday party next month. She is married to my abusers brother....(none of the family have anything to do with my ex hubby and he is not invited) apart from my soon to be ex father-in-law and he will be there. :eek:

They want to meet my new OH, and have invited us both. I have no reason not to go and feel why should I skulk away when I have done nothing wrong? I feel that I need to do this as it is showing ex hubby's family that I have nothing to be ashamed of, hopefully they will see me as the happy go lucky person that they knew before I got involved with !!!!!! and we can just enjoy ourselves like we used to before I got involved with him. :rotfl:

chevalier

wow. I am in awe. I am glad that you are divorcing him. will be the best money you have ever spent. because once it has all gone through, no matter what carp he puts you through in the mean time. you wil NEVER have to talk to him again one the divorce is through

how cool will that be
chev

burntfingers_2

His solicitor recommended 'mediation'....mine refused on the grounds of the fact that there had been issues of domestic violence ...which he totally denied...:mad:

Needless to say hand written letter by ex was copied and sent onto his...never heard mention of mediation again :j

Just glad that it is now and not in the future with the government proposals saying that everyone getting divorced should use mediation and not rely on legal aid....wouldn't help in my case apart from the fact that HE wouldn't be able to P*** about sending stupid letters when I am getting charged £12.90 per letter, £12.90 per phone call and £129 per hour....but every single penny will be worth it just to get rid of him :T

burntfingers_2

Over the weekend received a letter from the estate agents 'confirming that they have advised my solicitors dealing with the proposed house sale' (!!!!!!!??!) Rang them this morning to inform them that firstly I hadn't decided as to which solicitors I was going to use, (as the one they recommended turned out to be £150 more than a local one)...and secondly as I hadn't heard anything with regards to a surveyor then I didn't want to incur any costs !!

Estate agent then advises that she was going to ring me as my buyer has withdrawn his offer due to the fact that he has heard that house prices are to fall a further 20% and does not want to be in negative equity !!!! :mad: House valued at £135k reduced to £85k....:eek:

Then to top it all off I open an email from my solicitor (divorce one) stating that !!!!!! hubby...has agreed to take off the restriction on MY house on the priviso that all monies from sale of property is held until such times as a divorce settlement has been reached.....:mad::mad::mad:

The mortgage is already 3 months in arrears...I have agreed with the lender that I can make half payments for the next three months of £250, but with a redundancy looming at the end of June then things are looking from bad to worse....

Back in the dilemma of moving back into house or stay in flat. My darling OH has said that he will support me if and when I am made redundant but I can't expect him to cover both places, and support all three of us just on his wages....:(

Just paid over £450 for wardrobes and also had a shower fitted into flat. Wardrobes could be dismantled and moved if need be, but just when I thought things were all settled....

LittleBoots

Aww BF what a time youre having That buyer sounds like a right plank!
Glad you have such a supportive OH, must make things thats bit easier x

burntfingers_2

Last night the estate agents rang back again saying that they had spoken to the prospective buyer and he has now revised the offer to £80k, I point blankly refused this, much to the amazement of the estate agent!! House valued at £135k, they said for quick sale £100-£110k, but use Scottish bidding system and 'would market the house at a lower price, which would attract more people and encourage higher bids...ie offers over £89,950', then recently they advised me to reduce the house to offers over £84,950 which had the opposite effect as getting even lower offers....:mad:

Soooooooooooo frustrating....going to get a cash buy company in to give me a price, as that means that the legal fees etc are all paid, and see what they come back at plus it means the sale will go through quicker.

On the upside of this my friends daughter is wanting to rent a property with another friend and is interested in mine...I am not sure as to whether I want to rent out the place or just get rid of it.

Since we put the shower in the flat and erected mahooooooooosive wardrobes at the weekend then I am quite sure that I don't want to move back into the house.....so if can't sell the hosue then it looks like the renting out option maybe the only thing that I can do, can't afford to continue paying both rent and mortgage even though this is half at the moment.....renting though means am still attached to useless !!!!!!....until the divorce goes through anyways....