should have known better and yeah love is blind

edited 26 March 2010 at 1:26PM in Debt free diaries
402 replies 26.1K views
burntfingers_2burntfingers_2 Forumite
472 Posts
Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
edited 26 March 2010 at 1:26PM in Debt free diaries
Hi All

(Hope that this is posted in the correct part !!) Long story please bear with me!

Just over 2 years ago I owed £600 pounds on a credit card. On reading this I think thats not too bad. But the shocking thing is that this now amounts to approx £30000.00.

How the hell did it get to this you may ask?

I had a whirlwind romance, met and married the man of my dreams or so I thought. Turned out to be a manipulative, controlling, jealous, physically violent and mentally abusive husband. Who has made my life a total nightmare, made me into a scared quivering wreck who now has to take tablets for anxiety, has stress rashes over various parts of my body and has recently been signed off sick from work for 2 weeks with my company telling me that I would not get paid. So with a heavy heart and feeling more anxious I asked my doctor to sign me off sick and returned back to work. Devil and the deep blue sea scenario, if I don't get paid can't pay my mortgage, if go back not really fit to work but hey need the money more and hopefully the tablets will kick in soon!

6 weeks ago I took courage in my own hands and had my door locks changed, virtually making him homeless (I am ashamed to say!) But after spending yet another night of where he had deprived me of sleep, called me every name under the sun, and abused me in front of my friends I couldn't take it any longer and called my support worker who arranged for the safer communities team to assist me. What a stressful time? thinking that he would return home at any time!!

The debt arose because he was unable to obtain credit for the things that we needed to buy because either he had damaged things in one of his rants, which ranged from doors/walls/banisters been punched in.. to pictures being smashed, mobile phones thrown at the wall (all because I was trying to call the police) landlines ripped out, landline phones being used as objects to throw at me, remote controls for sky, damaged the screen on the plasma tv because it wasn't a '42" but only a 32" !!:mad:, breaking the shed because he thought we needed a new one, a new car even though mine was 4 years old.....all because he didnt like it!! I used credit cards to support us whilst he was made redundant twice, the second time had taken a job which was £500 a month less but still wanted to continue spending like a good un! Despite me saying we can't afford this and transferring the overdraft onto a credit card twice no less.

It was a case what monkey saw, monkey wanted, monkey got! If he didn't there would be endless rants of I get **ck all out of my wages!! Despite having a roof over his head, taxi (me) everywhere, money for cigarettes, alcohol, clothes, designer work gear etc etc. I would usually end up by paying for not doing what he wanted me to, resulting in me sporting yet more bruises, and hey having to lie to everyone why they happened. Making me feel lower than low, he took my confidence and made me into a wreck.

But that was then and this is now. Reality check. I have gone through all my outgoings with a fine tooth comb. Changed my gas/elec suppliers/always shop around for a better deal, do the downshift everytime etc etc. Been on here a few years as a serial lurker

I have applied for single discount on my council tax and to pay it over 12 months instead of 10, for the water rates 10 months instead of 8. I do not have any arrears on my household bills and my HP agreement for the car is up-to-date.

My income matches my outgoings. There is nothing left to pay the creditors but a token payment. So far I have changed my bank account, taken a 3 month payment break on my mortgage this will enable me to build up an emergency fund (allows me to see a solicitor if I need an injunction or anything if husband becomes violent at anytime).

Just for the record I have 4 credit cards, Barclaycard approx £1800, MBNA Virgin acct £4500, MBNA £3000, M&SFS £4000 Alliance and Leicester Loan £5500, Alliance and Leicester overdraft £1500, Car HP £6000, loan to employer £2500 all these are approximate figures as I said before I am at work and cannot post the exact amounts which I will do at some point in the not too distant future.

The house is in my sole name. The solicitor has said that he is not entitled to anything due to the nature of the breakdown and the fact that the violence started 5 weeks into our marriage. :T Especially as I owned the property for several years and paid the mortgage on my own for that length of time. I do have equity in the property which would pay off my debts. The house is up for sale and has been for a number of months - (the logic been that I could up and leave if I was in a rented house without having to fight him for my own house!!) Have had people round to look at it, but all the viewers have asked about the neighbours house been derelict!?!?! (next door - which just happens to be his mum's house !!) Don't know whether to reduce the house even further or to stay put in this present climate?

I need help and advice and will post my SOA this weekend am going to try and ebay some items this weekend too. Have sold things in the past so hopefully will be able to raise some funds even if it goes towards a repayment on one of my debts.
Total debt £[STRIKE]37864.78 [/STRIKECOLOR=purple][FONT=Arial Narrow][SIZE=1 [/STRIKE][STRIKE] £31681.03[/STRIKE] -[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]£16700
Paid off so far.....[STRIKE]£15495.84[/STRIKE]£20364


  • edited 26 March 2010 at 1:42PM
    Nessa56Nessa56 Forumite
    946 Posts
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker PPI Party Pooper
    edited 26 March 2010 at 1:42PM
    I think most people can relate to the love is blind scenario

    Thank god you have come of this in one piece,

    So you owe some money.

    So you are not too strong at the moment.

    So you feel like carp

    You do have your freedom

    ou will gain back your strengh, that much I am sure of.

    You should pat yourself on the back for what you are achieving at the moment and did achieve during your awful experiences

    take care, I will be watching your diary with interest

    One other think, never ever be embarrassed about this - THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT luv

    SEALED POT CHALLENGE 6 - MEMBER NUMBER 086 Special Star from Sue :staradmin :T:T
  • dont feel guilty about kicking him out on his harris...cos right now thats where he belongs.

    Hope you have no kids cos that will drag it out further. Get a good clean break and for the record I had something similiar and it too started after i got the why charming men make dangerous lovers by the refuge....youll see the partner and youll say omg how did that happen to me. I also kicked him out too and kept the house but be careful if you get legal aid and equity from house theyll make you pay in back in way of a charge on the house....but small price to pay for freedom.

    I too was on antidepressants for nearly 10years but stopped as soon as kicked him out. Be strong and put your hand up and say no more...the line is drawn. From now on get on top of those finances it maybe a marathon as apose to a sprint but youll get there in the end.
  • edited 28 March 2010 at 8:59PM
    burntfingers_2burntfingers_2 Forumite
    472 Posts
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    edited 28 March 2010 at 8:59PM
    Thank you both for your messags of support. I am a relative newbie to the site so if I may mistakes then I will learn from them, just as the same as we all do at some point in our lives.

    The hardest bit has been this weekend as it was our 1st !!!! wedding anniversary on Saturday so I haven't posted my SOA as yet.

    Total debt £[STRIKE]37864.78 [/STRIKECOLOR=purple][FONT=Arial Narrow][SIZE=1 [/STRIKE][STRIKE] £31681.03[/STRIKE] -[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]£16700
    Paid off so far.....[STRIKE]£15495.84[/STRIKE]£20364
  • craftingmadcraftingmad Forumite
    2K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Hi burntfingers,

    Firstly well done you. The steps you have taken will play a massive part in your life and you really will start to see a difference in you very soon. You have already been so strong.

    Remember now you are part of MSE you are never alone.

    Good luck xxx
    Mortgage - £2338.07 BTL 1 £51,089.10 BTL 2 £81,504.52 BTL 3 £77,497.02 No Craft Spending in 2023 0/365 Stash Busting Challenge 2023 0/2023 [COLOR
  • Well Done you.

    Never ever take him back.

    Don't feel guilty for kicking him out, he made that choice himself.

    Please don't rush into a new relationship before you have had some counselling.

    Whenever you regret kicking him out, or feeling guilty about kicking him out, read what you posted and imagine I wrote it. Would you let me take him back?

    Keep strong-the debts are small fry compared to all you've had.
    LBM 10/08 £12510.74/
  • Shoe_GalShoe_Gal Forumite
    7.2K Posts
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    What a sad story but I am so proud that you have made the break and are looking after yourself :A

    The money issues can be solved, your health and peace of mind are far more important

    To do a signature
    • click on user CP at the top of the page
    • on the left hand side 'edit signature'
    • it's all in there :D
    Sometimes it's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes - that's why we need really special ones!
    Total debt @ Oct 2008: £29,226.42 Credit Card- £[STRIKE]7493.56[/STRIKE] - £7243.56
    Weightloss : 0/34lbs
  • Jo_R_2Jo_R_2 Forumite
    2.7K Posts
    Wow - can I say despite the terrible time you've had, you sound incredibly together and focussed.

    Keep hold of that, that feeling of empowerment, and use it to keep moving forward. Remember you are strong and independent and can work through this to come out the other side.

    Dealing with my debts!
    Currently overpaying Virgin cc -
    balance Jan 2010 @ 1985.65
    Now @ 703.63
  • He is pressurising me to take him back tbh and then I re-read my diary through out the past year and I know in my heart I will never, ever take him back. Leopards do not change their spots. I don't want anyone else at this moment in time. I did got to a women's aid support group but felt that by going that I was continuing to be a victim? Part of my moving forward has been to leave the group, so I can look to the future and not be reminded of what has happened. Whilst your in it you don't realise how much you are being controlled and manipulated until you have taken a step back from the relationship.

    Thankfully the house is in my sole name. As it is a relatively short marriage of 10 months then he is not entitled to a single penny but this would mean that I take on the debts, which if that is the case and I can keep our family home then so be it. Creditors can't take what I haven't got.

    Onwards and upwards...she says lol
    Total debt £[STRIKE]37864.78 [/STRIKECOLOR=purple][FONT=Arial Narrow][SIZE=1 [/STRIKE][STRIKE] £31681.03[/STRIKE] -[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]£16700
    Paid off so far.....[STRIKE]£15495.84[/STRIKE]£20364
  • Wow, good on you taking control of your life so dramaticaly. I hope taking control of your finances can be liberating for you - its not much fun, but its yours and keeping on top of your money can allow you to be a strong, independant woman whenever you need to be.

    I understand your desire to get this all behind you, but do be open to taking support if you need it.
    Mortgage free by 30:eek:: £28,000/£100,000
    :DDebt free as of 1 October, 2010:D
    Taking my frugal life on the road!
  • huge hugs (()) and hi, well done on posting and all the best with the future :D
    I AM A MONEY MAGNET, THEY ARE MAKING MORE MONEY FOR ME AS WE SPEAK:pMIKES MOB, DFW NERD 1071, DFW LHS 132!MIRACLES HAPPEN I'VE SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES. LBM 08£77240.69 Current outstanding total £36083.01 Paid so far = £41157.68
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