advice wanted re;daughter going to see dad on weekends

northwest1965

daska wrote: »

Contact is for the benefit of the children, not the parent! Yes she ought to maintain a relationship with him but at her age her peers are going to be increasingly important. These events are part of her emotional and social education and he needs to fit in with them.

It would be a lot better coming from her rather than you. Could she ring him or send him a postcard? "I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME MISS MY DISCO" in large red letters...? (not seriously suggesting this but DSD did the equivalent to her dad on Facebook last night and he definitely noticed that she wasn't happy LOL)

I think you'll find contact is to benefit BOTH of them not just the child!
As for suggesting something like this its appauling.

I think the important thing here, is how far away he lives and whether he can be flexible with days.
In our situation, we live 100 miles from stepkids. An overnight only happens on rare occasions, especially with the price of petrol now. Sad but its reality!
I think Dad needs to be a bit flexible if he can. Stepdaughter here is 13 and we both know that she will be off doing other stuff soon (surprised it hasnt happened already).

maggied_2

It does definitely depend on how far away he lives - but if he only gets to see her every other weekend that's not a huge amount - I can see why he doesn't want to miss out on any time with his daughter. To play DA - he's seeing her for 2 nights out of 14 - maybe HE shouldn't miss out because of your pigheadedness? I don't mean that nastily and it is a difficult situation. I'm sure we've got this to come (my DSD is coming up to 9).

fernliebee

I think if the dad had been willing to talk about it come to some arrangement, even if in the end it wasn't do-able the DD prob wouldn't mind missing out so much. IMO children (esp as they start to grow up and become teenagers) just want to feel heard. Some people are just presuming she is a spoilt brat who is stamping her feet, can you not remember being at school and being the only one to miss out on something!! As adults missing a social event can mean nothing (and even be a blessing with some of them ) however at 11 it can be really devastating, even more so than at 15-16 as by then they will prob have been to a few already, and know they can go to more.

I can see why the dad would rather see her, but TBH he will need to learn to compromise as she gets older, as how long before she starts saying she doesn't want to stay with dad so she can attend other events, at the moment she just wants a compromise! It does depend on distance but could he not have her extra in the holidays, or for an extra weekend somewhere etc...

maggied_2

I know what you are saying FB - I do remember the life-changing importance of missing just one occasion! I just think it's a bit sad when time with dad is seen as more dispensible - especially when it's nt that much anyway.

Dr.Shoe_2

Woah... hang on a minute.

Try looking at it from his perspective: he doesn't know if the disco is a genuine reason or not. He only gets to see his daughter (whom he probably loves more than anything else) a handful of hours per year and now suddenly ex is telling him that he can have even less time with her! How would you feel if he had custody and he was saying that you only get to see her for 24 hours instead of 48? Yes I know your daughter made the request herself but from his perspective it could still be manipulation on your part.

I suggest that a "payback" where he gets to spend more time with he later on to compensate. I see that he would she would be due to see him again at Easter, how about he pick her up on thursday night then?

Alternatively, how about he pick her up from the disco?

minimoneysaver

We've had the same problem recently. My daughter had a birthday party of a friend to attend and it clashed with her visit. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

daska

northwest1965 wrote: »

I think you'll find contact is to benefit BOTH of them not just the child!
As for suggesting something like this its appauling.

I think the important thing here, is how far away he lives and whether he can be flexible with days.
In our situation, we live 100 miles from stepkids. An overnight only happens on rare occasions, especially with the price of petrol now. Sad but its reality!
I think Dad needs to be a bit flexible if he can. Stepdaughter here is 13 and we both know that she will be off doing other stuff soon (surprised it hasnt happened already).

Nope, contact is arranged in the best interests of the child, not the parent, that's why courts are allowed to stop some parents having contact.

Flexibility? The clue is in the OP - he refused without discussion.

aliasojo

daska wrote: »

Flexibility? The clue is in the OP - he refused without discussion.

Exactly. The art of compromise needs to be in abundance in any relationship. It's not as if the girl doesn't want to see her Dad, she just wanted to alter timings a little.

Inflexibility is the best way to a resentful child and only teaches stubborness imo.

seven-day-weekend

fernliebee wrote: »

I think if the dad had been willing to talk about it come to some arrangement, even if in the end it wasn't do-able the DD prob wouldn't mind missing out so much. IMO children (esp as they start to grow up and become teenagers) just want to feel heard. Some people are just presuming she is a spoilt brat who is stamping her feet, can you not remember being at school and being the only one to miss out on something!! As adults missing a social event can mean nothing (and even be a blessing with some of them ) however at 11 it can be really devastating, even more so than at 15-16 as by then they will prob have been to a few already, and know they can go to more.

I can see why the dad would rather see her, but TBH he will need to learn to compromise as she gets older, as how long before she starts saying she doesn't want to stay with dad so she can attend other events, at the moment she just wants a compromise! It does depend on distance but could he not have her extra in the holidays, or for an extra weekend somewhere etc...

Ah well you see, I never wanted to go to anything. I can remember begging my dad not to put my name down for his work's childrens' Christmas Party. I never wanted to go on any school trips or any other events. I went to a few parties with VERY close friends but I wouldn't have minded if I hadn't.

My son was pretty much the same, so perhaps I actually don't know what it feels like for some people.

Still think she should see her dad though, and learn something 'grown-up' about getting her priorities right. He could also be a bit flexible, I agree.

mrcow

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

my daughter is in tears tonight cos she wants to go to a disco next week at her fave youth club but she goes down her dads every other weekend and she has asked if he can pick her up on sat and he refused without any discussion.....any ideas in what i can do?? dont really wanna get into a slanging match with my ex but dont want her to miss out cos of his pig headedness.....shes 11 btw

Nothing.

He's her parent too. He's made a decision and it's not for you to contradict him.

Don't get involved - it's between him and her. If you do, it will lead to side-taking and ill feelings. Let her sort her own relationship out with him.

If you really want to do something, then perhaps a call to him just saying how important the disco is to her (maybe he doesn't realise? - or maybe he does and is just uncaring?). But other than that - don't get yourself involved.

It's a disco, it will blow over in time. The last thing your daughter needs is to be stuck in the middle of an argument from which the repercussions could go on indefinitely.