advice wanted re;daughter going to see dad on weekends

seven-day-weekend

I do feel sorry for the dad if it means he can't see his daughter otherwise.

I've not ever been in this situation, either as a child or a parent (thank goodness), but it does seems a shame if children lose touch with their parents simply because it puts their (the child's) social life out to go and see them.

I personally think both of them should compromise. As someone else has said, it's not as though the disco has only just been known about, is it?

However, he is the adult and should be setting her an example of HOW to compromise.

I hope it gets sorted out to everybody's satisfaction.

bonjovibel_729

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I do feel sorry for the dad if it means he can't see his daughter otherwise.

I've not ever been in this situation, either as a child or a parent (thank goodness), but it does seems a shame if children lose touch with their parents simply because it puts their (the child's) social life out to go and see them.

I personally think both of them should compromise. As someone else has said, it's not as though the disco has only just been known about, is it?

However, he is the adult and should be setting her an example of HOW to compromise.

I hope it gets sorted out to everybody's satisfaction.

hi thanks but its not as if my daughter is saying she does not want to go down she is just asking if he can pick herup early sat morn instead of late frid night not such a hardship and as i posted earlier she only came home on friday to say there was a disco and as soon as i found out i told her to ask her dad

aliasojo

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I personally think both of them should compromise.

However, he is the adult and should be setting her an example of HOW to compromise.

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

hi thanks but its not as if my daughter is saying she does not want to go down she is just asking if he can pick herup early sat morn instead of late frid night not such a hardship and as i posted earlier she only came home on friday to say there was a disco and as soon as i found out i told her to ask her dad

Looks like the youngster could teach the adult what compromise actually means.

seven-day-weekend

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

hi thanks but its not as if my daughter is saying she does not want to go down she is just asking if he can pick herup early sat morn instead of late frid night not such a hardship and as i posted earlier she only came home on friday to say there was a disco and as soon as i found out i told her to ask her dad

Sorry, I misunderstood, I thought it meant her dad would not see her at all.

I think what your daughter suggests is quite reasonable, in that case.

daska

Is it worth suggesting to your daughter that she write a general letter to her dad not asking for a specific change but explaining that she loves him and wants to see him but also wants to be able to take part in some of these activities and is upset that he won't even talk about it. A mature and polite (not meek) letter from his little girl explaining that she isn't so little any more might carry more weight. It also means he can't stop her talking, she can say everything she wants to say. It would be important that you don't write it for her, you can talk about it before hand but it has to be her words, her sentence structure etc or he'll automatically believe that you've made her do it to spite him.

What I'm thinking is that it 'sets the scene' as it were and if he remains intransigent you can consider a next step of a solicitor's letter or some such. It may be that he genuinely thinks you're trying to be difficult and block access because he's projecting his own expectations onto you.

And now I'm thinking, is there actually a contact order? you haven't mentioned one. If there isn't then you're perfectly free to amend the contact arrangements without taking the legal route. And TBH, if he throws his toys out of the pram and takes it out on his daughter then it's their relationship he's destroying.

These activities are important to her emotional and social development. I'm just glad that DS1 has learnt to stand up to his dad and tell him in no uncertain terms when he's being unreasonable. In fact Xmas is a good example. (Bearing in mind that DS1 and I were a single parent family from the get go and he moved to live with his dad last summer but that contact has been at DS1's discretion since he was able to express an opinion.) From August on I was trying to arrange Xmas - DS1's aunt was going to be visiting and if he didn't see her then there wouldn't be another chance for a few years. Response: "He's spending Xmas with us, end of." Speak with DS1 at half term and he's not been told about his aunt: "I want to see her, I'm coming here." Ring dad, not possible, we're going away, we've booked a hotel, I get to say when he can visit." Tell DS1, next thing I know I can hear him on the phone "I've said I'm coming here, you didn't bother to discuss this with me [some firm words from his dad] No! I want to see my aunt, you didn't bother to discuss this with me, I'm coming here for Xmas and I'm not going to say another word on the matter." (I of course am p**ing myself with laughter in another room.) He's 12! He knows because of the long court case we've had with his stepsister that his dad doesn't have a leg to stand on...

Soubrette

January20 wrote: »

I don't agree with MrCow. It's not just between father and daughter. I made that mistake and bitterly regret it. Daughters are not always able to deal with fathers' wishes and whims, and some fathers know it and will play on it. It's easy to shut up an 11 year old. Not so her mother. (But only my opinion!)

I didn't stay quiet though - my daughter's dad and I live in the same small village and so it shouldn't have been a problem letting her see her friends.

I made suggestions to both about possible compromises (both brushed them off :mad:) and after the final schism suggested family counselling to my ex - he said he would definitely look into that (that was over 2 years ago now and he's done nothing)

Even now I nag my daughter about at least acknowledging her dad on his birthday etc.

In fact I would say that along with other things going on it has made an already poor relationship between him and I into a very negative one. Basically his solution was that I force her to go over on his weekends, refuse to accept any phone calls from her and refuse to allow her to come home (How can you force a 15/16 year old to do anything and my house is her house - how can I refuse entry?) so when I did refuse he felt I was on her side and therefore against him.

To be honest I feel that anything the OP does will probably be interpreted in a negative way by the Dad (I wish we were all as mature as Rikki and Steel's bf ) but in my situation I feel that at least my interference imo hasn't made the situation worse between my daughter and her dad (I don't think anything could have really) and I gave it my best shot to prevent it from happening, even though I failed in the end. I only regret our relationship is so sour for the children's sake, personally if he weren't the father of my children I'd be happy to never set eyes on him again.

Good luck OP, please keep us posted on what happens.

Sou

bonjovibel_729

daska wrote: »

Is it worth suggesting to your daughter that she write a general letter to her dad not asking for a specific change but explaining that she loves him and wants to see him but also wants to be able to take part in some of these activities and is upset that he won't even talk about it. A mature and polite (not meek) letter from his little girl explaining that she isn't so little any more might carry more weight. It also means he can't stop her talking, she can say everything she wants to say. It would be important that you don't write it for her, you can talk about it before hand but it has to be her words, her sentence structure etc or he'll automatically believe that you've made her do it to spite him.

What I'm thinking is that it 'sets the scene' as it were and if he remains intransigent you can consider a next step of a solicitor's letter or some such. It may be that he genuinely thinks you're trying to be difficult and block access because he's projecting his own expectations onto you.

And now I'm thinking, is there actually a contact order? you haven't mentioned one. If there isn't then you're perfectly free to amend the contact arrangements without taking the legal route. And TBH, if he throws his toys out of the pram and takes it out on his daughter then it's their relationship he's destroying.

These activities are important to her emotional and social development. I'm just glad that DS1 has learnt to stand up to his dad and tell him in no uncertain terms when he's being unreasonable. In fact Xmas is a good example. (Bearing in mind that DS1 and I were a single parent family from the get go and he moved to live with his dad last summer but that contact has been at DS1's discretion since he was able to express an opinion.) From August on I was trying to arrange Xmas - DS1's aunt was going to be visiting and if he didn't see her then there wouldn't be another chance for a few years. Response: "He's spending Xmas with us, end of." Speak with DS1 at half term and he's not been told about his aunt: "I want to see her, I'm coming here." Ring dad, not possible, we're going away, we've booked a hotel, I get to say when he can visit." Tell DS1, next thing I know I can hear him on the phone "I've said I'm coming here, you didn't bother to discuss this with me [some firm words from his dad] No! I want to see my aunt, you didn't bother to discuss this with me, I'm coming here for Xmas and I'm not going to say another word on the matter." (I of course am p**ing myself with laughter in another room.) He's 12! He knows because of the long court case we've had with his stepsister that his dad doesn't have a leg to stand on...

hiya thanks yes there is a contat order in place as he was having htem every weekend then he stopped paying maintenance to i reduced it to every other weekend as i was not happy with spending no weekend time with them anyway....he then took me to court and he was told in no uncertain terms than dd has to spend equal time with both mother which is how the every other weekend came into force

daska

So he's already angry at having 'his' time reduced and has no empathy for other people's needs and isn't likely to respond to anything short of a new order. In which case you might well, if a letter from your daughter doesn't work, need to take the legal route. Do you get legal aid?

bonjovibel_729

daska wrote: »

So he's already angry at having 'his' time reduced and has no empathy for other people's needs and isn't likely to respond to anything short of a new order. In which case you might well, if a letter from your daughter doesn't work, need to take the legal route. Do you get legal aid?

hiya yes i do get legal aid and i had a really good solicitor last time...he basically stood up to my ex in a way i never thought i could....even he said how selfish and pig headed he was....im not very good at confrontations and was able to tell my solicitor exactly what i hoped would happen and he was able to get my point across to the judge.....i think i might wait until my dd goes to comprehensive school in sept and see how she goes with going to his every other weekend and how she manages with her homework and such like if it starts affecting her school work will have to think about a new order.....like i said before i dont want him not to see her just be a bit more flexible about when he does see her......i have offered him unlimited week day contact but he point blank refuses to do this.....i just wish i didnt have to deal with his constant tantrums its bad enough having to deal with dd mood swings lol can some one wave a magic wand for me lmao

daska

Don't base it entirely on homework, she needs the social life as well and it doesn't take many refused invitations to find that they start to dry up a bit. "oh there's no point inviting melanie cos she can never come, I'll invite tania instead". (I have that t-shirt - DSD had weekly contact at one point, she ended up with no social life at all.)

If she writes and he still won't discuss how they can compromise then take it to a solicitor. (If your ex doesn't get legal aid you may find that one letter is enough.) Personally I'd be starting the process now so that the flexibility is already in place for her to start forging the new relationships she will have to make at secondary school.