advice wanted re;daughter going to see dad on weekends

valos_mummy

Can the OP maybe pick daughter up from the disco, take to dad's (so he's not put out), and then arrange to stay for longer than usual on the Sunday so he still gets his regular amount of time with her? Saturday night won't be very father-daughter quality time at all if all she does when she gets there is stomp off to her room and refuses to speak to him.

mrcow

valos_mummy wrote: »

Can the OP maybe pick daughter up from the disco, take to dad's (so he's not put out), and then arrange to stay for longer than usual on the Sunday so he still gets his regular amount of time with her? Saturday night won't be very father-daughter quality time at all if all she does when she gets there is stomp off to her room and refuses to speak to him.

Yes, but they've got to work that out for themselves. If the Mum just steps in and starts pandering to everyone, how is anyone else going to learn from this.

From the sounds of it, perhaps what both the Dad and the daughter need is some "stomping time"


The daughter needs to learn that you can't always get what you want.
The Dad needs to be able to take the flack on the chin for the parental decisions he makes. Perhaps both will learn from this?

Soubrette

How good a relationship do you have with your ex?

If it is mediocre to good then all I would do is give him a quick call to explain that she is upset and to offer to swap weekends. If he says no then I would leave it at that.

If it is non existent then I would leave it alone (but with a slightly heavy heart). Although I agree that at 11, seeing Dad would be non negotiable, I have had a similar situation with my daughter. From a young age, her weekends with her Dad have been non negotiable and heavily organised so no time for doing 'her' things. She saw her Dad 3 weekends out of 4 and we live 5 mins apart. At 12 it started to become an issue and by 14 she would dread each and every weekend which involved rows, tears and worst of all upset phone calls to me (from both of them).

By 15 she refused to see him at all and even now at 17 their relationship is fractured. Neither were/are capable of anything but the tiniest of compromise and both saw these tiny gestures as huge concessions *rolleyes* so never could meet in the middle.

I hate the situation - her Dad is an ok Dad (there are a lot worse out there) and she is a lovely girl (ok I'm biased ) and as her mum I think she is losing out on all sorts of levels because of this non relationship.

Sou

seven-day-weekend

I've asked my husband's opinion on this, and he says that he thinks the dad should takethe girl to the disco and bring her back, he says that he thinks this would be a good compromise on both their parts.

snowmaid

I am assuming that this is a controlled youth disco, such as a school or youth group. It is very important to some children at that age to go.

My children used to go visit their Dad every second weekend. I remember them wanting to do something else and my ex said no, that it was his weekend. My ex (bless him) then spent the weekend playing sport!!! :cool: Needless to say my children were NOT impressed!

daska

Soubrette wrote: »

From a young age, her weekends with her Dad have been non negotiable and heavily organised so no time for doing 'her' things. She saw her Dad 3 weekends out of 4 and we live 5 mins apart. At 12 it started to become an issue and by 14 she would dread each and every weekend which involved rows, tears and worst of all upset phone calls to me (from both of them).

By 15 she refused to see him at all and even now at 17 their relationship is fractured. Neither were/are capable of anything but the tiniest of compromise and both saw these tiny gestures as huge concessions *rolleyes* so never could meet in the middle.

This is the nub of it. If the parent won't compromise then the child will resent it and then it ceases to be 'contact' because the parent and child have ceased to listen to and interact with other. All that's left is a power game and that's a battle that the parent will lose as soon as the child can exert enough power to play their trump card: "I'm 16 now, you can't force me".

bonjovibel_729

hiya thanks for all the replies everyone...unfortunately he lives around an hr away from us so would not be feasible for him to pick her up and take her to the disco he only has her every other weekend out of choice i have offered mid week contact and he has point blank refused to travel all that way as he puts it just for a few hrs with his daughters....me and my ex are on complete no speaking terms so i feel for me to get involved would only cause more arguments and there fore more heartache for my daughters...she has tried nagging him over hte phone but he is completely unnegotiable i dont really understand what difference it would make to him picking them up on sat instead of friday as by the time he gets them home on friday night its nearly time for their bed anyway...think its more of a case of him having to get up early on sat morning to pick them up......yes it is a responsible youth disco run by a church actually and is only few streets away from our home...while i still feel it is important for her to see her dad i think its important as shes growing up and all her friends are going that she gets a sense of freedom and is allowed to make some of her own decisions within reason (obviously allowing for the fact she is only 11)......my ex already thinks its me instigating it as last week her school eisteddford fell on his weekend to have them and i got the blame for that ....apparently i arranged it with the school that the national eisteddford was held on his weekend lol wish i did have that sort of power lmao.....

bonjovibel_729

snowmaid wrote: »

I am assuming that this is a controlled youth disco, such as a school or youth group. It is very important to some children at that age to go.

My children used to go visit their Dad every second weekend. I remember them wanting to do something else and my ex said no, that it was his weekend. My ex (bless him) then spent the weekend playing sport!!! :cool: Needless to say my children were NOT impressed!

this is another good point when my kids do go down there they spent more time with his now ex gf or listening to them arguing than they actually spent doing stuff with their dad which is why the eldest prob doesnt want to go down there as much as she used to

Soubrette

Is there any reason you can't offer (through your daughter if not on speaking terms) to swap weekends. My ex was funny about his time and my time although we did swap weekends a few times and he too refused to allow them over when it wasn't his time.

However, I feel more sympathy with Dad if he's already been denied his last weekend with his daughter - doesn't that make the 4 days he sees her down to 1 this month?

I cannot stress enough that I feel my daughter is disadvantaged by the bad relationship with her parent, even though it is her choice now. As a mum I would have liked to have found the 'magic bullet' that would have prevented it happening. I don't care much for my ex but I care a lot for my daughter and it was worth trying to be flexible for her sake.

Sou

daska

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

my ex already thinks its me instigating it as last week her school eisteddford fell on his weekend to have them and i got the blame for that ....apparently i arranged it with the school that the national eisteddford was held on his weekend lol wish i did have that sort of power lmao.....

OK, a bit of compassion for dad here, if it's an hour's drive and it happens regularly then it's a bit of a pain for him. Doesn't excuse the refusal to discuss it and find a compromise though.

Perhaps one way to approach this is to provide school/group dates to him as soon as you have them (yes, he can request them himself but belt and braces if you do it) and ask if you can arrange the weekends to fit. Unfortunately he's still going to come up against sleepovers etc and he is going to feel the rough edge of it if he won't compromise.