advice wanted re;daughter going to see dad on weekends

Soubrette

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I totally disagree with posters who say that father should give in to his daughter's wishes - otherwise she won't like it and will resent him. That's rubbish! She may need it explaining to her but her father is putting his foot down because he loves her and doesn't want to lose her.

If he never gives in then I don't see any other future except estrangement (obviously biased by my own experiences) but in this instance he already has compromised about the eisteddfod so I think it's fair that if a swap isn't possible then it is her turn to compromise.

And as to other talk about lying and telling her Dad that she is sick - what does this teach someone? Lie to get your own way? That the Dad is somehow less important as a parent than the Mum? How would you feel if her Dad lies about her being ill and doesn't bring her home on time?

It's just wrong

Sou

daska

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I totally disagree with posters who say that father should give in to his daughter's wishes - otherwise she won't like it and will resent him. That's rubbish! She may need it explaining to her but her father is putting his foot down because he loves her and doesn't want to lose her.

I don't think anyone is arguing that dad should 'give in', but what example is he showing her by refusing to talk about it or compromise? What's loving about forcing someone to miss out on something important to them without considering whether may be other options? That's not love, that's control and it will breed resentment.

But at 11 she needs to be doing some of the negotiating and it sounds to me as if communication between her and dad is not as effective as it could be. Give it a few months and if this went to court she'd be given a huge say in where she wanted to live and what kind of contact she wanted.

bonjovibel_729

Kay_Peel wrote: »

A few things seem blindingly obvious to me:

1. It's not as though events like the school eisteddford appeared out of the blue. The disco, too - it wasn't organised and advertised at the last minute. As 74jax said - it comes down to planning and giving as much notice as possible so that weekends can be swopped.

2. He may well think that you are working against him. It's plain that you want your daughter to miss her weekend and do something else. Your daughter knows that she has your support and your ex can sense it in the way she has broached the subject. (You say that she has 'nagged' him). I think that you are building up a whole lot of problems for yourself and I'm not surprised that your ex is going to dig his heels in. He probably feels hard-done-to and blames you. All he's trying to do is maintain the bond with his daughter.

3. He could probably see the reason for your daughter to take part in the eisteddford, but he wants to impress upon her that it was a one-off. She can't just drop him when she gets a better offer of something more exciting. If he doesn't put his foot down now then the visits will get less frequent until, by the time she's 13, she won't go at all.

I totally disagree with posters who say that father should give in to his daughter's wishes - otherwise she won't like it and will resent him. That's rubbish! She may need it explaining to her but her father is putting his foot down because he loves her and doesn't want to lose her.

I don't make any judgement about an 11 year old child - she's too young to appreciate the long term consequences of estrangement from her father. I do, however, think that you shouldn't encourage her to feel that she can mess her father about when it suits.

Perhaps if you supported him more then your relationship would improve and you'd be able to communicate properly about the joint care of your child. Perhaps if you planned ahead and had given him more notice the problem wouldn't have arisen in the first place.

hi there just in reply to your points;
no 1... your right the school eisteddford was not a last minute thing but last year it was held in a place that is 10 mins away from my exes house so i did not think this posed a problem as i thought he would be able to take her and pick her up but they had to change the venue this year and as i was not aware of this i could not make any provisions i only found out two weeks before and made him aware as soon as i knew,,,, as for the disco my daughter has only in the last few weeks started going to this youth club as previously i thought she was too young she seems to be enjoying her freedom she went there last night friday and came home with the news about the disco so again i told her to inform her dad asap.....

2. i am not denying that my daughter needs her father as i grew up without mine i understand the bond needs to be maintained but should that be at the cost of my daughters happiness??As others have said i dont want her to resent me for making her go somewhere she does not want to go and miss social events she thinks are important...i actively encouraged my daughter to go and see her dad every weekend without fail but feel as she is getting older she needs to make her own decisions about things and allow her to grow up somewhat

3. i dont think he saw the eisteddford as a valid reason as he actively encouraged her to drop out (supportive father ) not!!! if he does put his foot down now and not allow a little leniancy then i fear that she will want to go down less and less and do not want that to happen as if the shoe were on the other foot i can totally understand how it would feel...but i also feel like he shud make more of an effort when they do go down there and make them feel wanted and so more with them so i dont have to 'persuade' them to go when its his turn.......


i feel i have more than 'supported' him in hte past and he has thrown it all back in my face....like i said i actively encouraged him to take a part in his daughters lives ie inviting him to parents evenings concerts and the such like but he hardly if ever shows up and if anything disrupts his weekend he throws his toys out of the pram and refuses to compromise i dont see why my daughters shud suffer cos of his stubborness sorry to go on lol

Rikki

My son lives with his Dad.
I don't force him to see me every other weekend as his life and friends are there. He calls and comes over on the weekends when he wants to and stays as long or as little as he wants.
It has been this way since he was thirteen and it works best for both of us. Sometimes it can be a few weeks between visits but it's better than dragging him away from his friends and the plans they make. It would be selfish of me.

It's about time your ex respected his daughter is growing up and has her own life and circle of young friend she wants to spend time with.

bonjovibel_729

Rikki wrote: »

My son lives with his Dad.
I don't force him to see me every other weekend as his life and friends are there. He calls and comes over on the weekends when he wants to and stays as long or as little as he wants.
It has been this way since he was thirteen and it works best for both of us. Sometimes it can be a few weeks between visits but it's better than dragging him away from his friends and the plans they make. It would be selfish of me.

It's about time your ex respected his daughter is growing up and has her own life and circle of young friend she wants to spend time with.

my thoughts exactly lol thanks thought i was going mad for while there ....

January20

The first time my ex didn't allow my daughter to go to a birthday party because it was in "his time" and it didn't fit with his plans for the day, I really wish I had put my foot down and put my dd first. I didn't want to rock the boat. This was the first of many parties she was not allowed to go to, sleepovers she had to turn down whilst he would make her stay with her stepmother while he managed his stepsons' football team - yes on the day he was suppose to spend time with his daughter. Or he would go to a football match in the afternoon. It was always his needs first.

She is now very resentful of this and will possibly never forgive him. It was just another nail in the coffin as far as their relationship is concerned, but quite an important one for a young girl. Can you imagine when all your friends has been to a party and you're the only one who had to miss out?

Your daughter is 11 and on the brink of being a teenager. Friends and social occasions matter so much to youngsters nowasdays. Her father should want her to want to be with him, not to see it as a chore, as missing out on fun and should be flexible enough to realise that on "his" weekend things might crop up. It's not like he cannot see her at all that weekend. He is the adult in the relationship. He should behave like one and not like a pig-headed child!

I really regret what I have come to see as my inability to protect my dd against her father's selfishness and lack of understanding of her needs. I can never change that now. Think very carefully before you make a decision.

bonjovibel_729

January20 wrote: »

The first time my ex didn't allow my daughter to go to a birthday party because it was in "his time" and it didn't fit with his plans for the day, I really wish I had put my foot down and put my dd first. I didn't want to rock the boat. This was the first of many parties she was not allowed to go to, sleepovers she had to turn down whilst he would make her stay with her stepmother while he managed his stepsons' football team - yes on the day he was suppose to spend time with his daughter. Or he would go to a football match in the afternoon. It was always his needs first.

She is now very resentful of this and will possibly never forgive him. It was just another nail in the coffin as far as their relationship is concerned, but quite an important one for a young girl. Can you imagine when all your friends has been to a party and you're the only one who had to miss out?

Your daughter is 11 and on the brink of being a teenager. Friends and social occasions matter so much to youngsters nowasdays. Her father should want her to want to be with him, not to see it as a chore, as missing out on fun and should be flexible enough to realise that on "his" weekend things might crop up. It's not like he cannot see her at all that weekend. He is the adult in the relationship. He should behave like one and not like a pig-headed child!

I really regret what I have come to see as my inability to protect my dd against her father's selfishness and lack of understanding of her needs. I can never change that now. Think very carefully before you make a decision.

thanks i did mention when we arranged the regular contact that she would be growing up and wanting to do her own thing sometimes an i even suggested that he have her sat morning to sunday evening just so she doesnt have to miss out on things at least if her friends are having a sleepover or whatever it wont be so hard to move it to friday instead of sat rather than change it for the next week...i also think shes gonna find it hard when she goe to the comp in sept as i know they get a lot of homework and i just thought at least if she goes on sat morning she will have one night to get the homeowrk done out of the way...but this was shot down in flames when i suggested it ...seems his way is the only way lol

January20

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

thanks i did mention when we arranged the regular contact that she would be growing up and wanting to do her own thing sometimes an i even suggested that he have her sat morning to sunday evening just so she doesnt have to miss out on things at least if her friends are having a sleepover or whatever it wont be so hard to move it to friday instead of sat rather than change it for the next week...i also think shes gonna find it hard when she goe to the comp in sept as i know they get a lot of homework and i just thought at least if she goes on sat morning she will have one night to get the homeowrk done out of the way...but this was shot down in flames when i suggested it ...seems his way is the only way lol

Very much like my ex. My dd is 6 years older than yours and has now no contact with her father whatsover. Our story is extreme in the sense that his idea of being a father was to try and change her into his idea of his ideal daughter. Finally, they had an argument about something quite trivial and because she wouldn't roll over and do as he wanted it turned into world war III. She now has no contact with him (possibly more his choice more than hers) but she has blossomed. She is happy and confident. When I think about it, it's probably because she doesn't have to be two people: herself and who her father wanted her to be!

You ex should really wake up to the reality that your daughter will want more and more to attend parties and social gatherings with her friends. What does he want? To spend his time with her at war with a sulky teenager? Because if he is unreasonable, he won't win that one, as he'll either lose his daughter or make her very unhappy. Is that what he wants? As a parent isn't he supposed to put his kids' needs first?

January20

Oh my goodness bonjovibel_729, I have just read your previous posts (I'd only read your initial posts and a few more before posting last night) and your story seems so similar to mine and my dd's!

She would never allow me to say anything to her dad, because if I said or did anything he didn't like, she would get it in the neck the next time she went to see him.

She was (and still is lol) very vocal, talkative and confident with me. She wasn't with him, she didn't dare and then would always get told of for not talking. At home, I couldn't shout her up lol!

There are lots of other things I could put down but I don't want to identified so won't. How is your daughter before she goes to her dads? Mine (and I only found that out about a year ago) would start getting stressed 2 days before going and on the day, she would change her clothes 4 or 5 times to find an outfit he would deem suitable.

I don't agree with MrCow. It's not just between father and daughter. I made that mistake and bitterly regret it. Daughters are not always able to deal with fathers' wishes and whims, and some fathers know it and will play on it. It's easy to shut up an 11 year old. Not so her mother. (But only my opinion!)

Steel_2

I agree with many posters that your ex is storing up trouble for himself here by being inflexible. She is going to hit her teenage years wanting to do things with friends at the weekends - is he going to veto that and stubbornly cling to his ideal of her being a little girl that can be told what to do? That's going to go down like a lead balloon at 14/15/16 and she will opt not to visit him. Daddies cling stubbornly to notions about their little girls, even when their little girls are 25/35/45!! He's got to prepare himself for the fact their relationship will change as they get older.

I asked my husband about this and he had an interesting suggestion.

Could your daughter and a friend get all their stuff together, be taken to her dad's house much earlier than usual so he can see them and be part of the excitement of getting ready for the disco.

He then drives them to the disco, and perhaps arranges to meet up with friends of his own nearby for a meal or drink, then picks her up from the disco when it finishes?

Right now his stubborness if making him miss out on the excitement of her growing up.

My BIL is divorced and his only daughter comes over some weekends out of the month. From the word go, she was often told she could bring a friend or two with her if she wanted, which sometimes she does, and as she's got older their time together has clashed with things like discos or meals out with her friends on their birthday. Instead of grumping, he's become part of it. He gets drinks (no not alcoholic! She's only 14) and snacks in while they run around excitedly getting ready and then takes them to where they are going and picks them back up. There then ensues a girly sleep over. Because he's a part-time photographer, they get him to take photos of them preparing for the night out so they can post on facebook and email their other mates.

He gets to see his daughter preparing for her night out and hear about it when she comes back. They have a lovely relationship, which flexibility with a difficult situation has helped with. She has now started to try and include her dad in things she does with her friends. She never sits in her room with her mates. They're down in the living room chatting, interacting and they often drag him onto the wii to play an instrument on their music games.