advice wanted re;daughter going to see dad on weekends

74jax

My daughter is 11 and we live a 3hr round trip away from her Dad who also sees her every other weekend. Her Dad/step mum collect her on a Friday and go and collect her back on a Sunday.

We have our weekends planned right thorughout the year ie who has her when and so when something crops up like birthday parties etc you can almost guarantee it's on a weekend she is with him.

In these cases, most times we'll swap weekends ie I have her for two weekends then he has her for two weekends so then we are back on track with who has her when.

It also works on his side too, last weekend when she was due with me he had a family wedding to attend and my daugter went over, rather than swap a weekend she is there this weekend too (3rd in a row) as it's her step brother's birthday this weekend too.

It's very much what we can work out for each other and our daughter. My ex and I do not communicate whatsoever, other than a simple text saying can we swap weekends or can we swap driving this weekend.

bonjovibel_729

Soubrette wrote: »

Is there any reason you can't offer (through your daughter if not on speaking terms) to swap weekends. My ex was funny about his time and my time although we did swap weekends a few times and he too refused to allow them over when it wasn't his time.

However, I feel more sympathy with Dad if he's already been denied his last weekend with his daughter - doesn't that make the 4 days he sees her down to 1 this month?

I cannot stress enough that I feel my daughter is disadvantaged by the bad relationship with her parent, even though it is her choice now. As a mum I would have liked to have found the 'magic bullet' that would have prevented it happening. I don't care much for my ex but I care a lot for my daughter and it was worth trying to be flexible for her sake.

Sou

i understand what your saying about him having missed one weekend already but its not like i arranged it that way just as much as its not my fault if a weekend i wanted to do something the school decides to hold some sort of event its just one of lifes dificulties and like everyone seems to be sayin we need to reach a compromise but as he wont shift one way or the other am finding it really hard not to just say this is how it is like it or lump it ...but i know if i did do that my daughter would get it in the neck next time she does go down there from him so am in a no win situation it seems

Soubrette

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i understand what your saying about him having missed one weekend already but its not like i arranged it that way just as much as its not my fault if a weekend i wanted to do something the school decides to hold some sort of event its just one of lifes dificulties and like everyone seems to be sayin we need to reach a compromise but as he wont shift one way or the other am finding it really hard not to just say this is how it is like it or lump it ...but i know if i did do that my daughter would get it in the neck next time she does go down there from him so am in a no win situation it seems

Of course it's not your fault - it's not your fault that the disco falls on his weekend either.

However, you can at least try to ensure that your daughter gets to see her Dad and goes to the disco by offering a compromise by swapping weekends. Afterall he might not even agree to this.

It's about doing trying to make your daughter the winner. If her Dad benefits too then hopefully that's some karma to you.

Sou

daska

But she KNOWS that she wants to do these events. Every time she doesn't go and gets it in the neck the less she'll want to go. Every time she misses out on activities with her peers because of his intransigence the less she'll want to go. But she won't be angry with you unless you force her to go against her will.

This is something which DSD's mum 'doesn't get' and dad is back in court because mum wants DSD to have to visit 'for extended periods every holiday'. She can't understand that, at 14.6, DSD isn't her 'little' girl any more, but a young woman with very strong views on what she will and won't be doing.

bonjovibel_729

Soubrette wrote: »

Of course it's not your fault - it's not your fault that the disco falls on his weekend either.

However, you can at least try to ensure that your daughter gets to see her Dad and goes to the disco by offering a compromise by swapping weekends. Afterall he might not even agree to this.

It's about doing trying to make your daughter the winner. If her Dad benefits too then hopefully that's some karma to you.

Sou

hiya unfortunately my daughter has already tried to offer him that but when she rang he said if you have anything to say about next weekend then i dont want to hear it so she jsut meekly said ok and put the phone down i think thats her problem... with me she has no problem getting her voice heard and making sure me and my husband know what she would like to do and then we make decisions accordingly but i think shes kinda afraid of what her dad will say (which is kinda sad tbh) so she refuses to tell him how important things are for her ...although with the school thing last week she did stand up for herself when he asked her to drop out cos it was his weekend (i know some father he is lol) but as she had been practising for last few mnths in school i refused to let her so she stood up for herself and told him she was going regardless and he ended up taking her....but think there is a fine line between standing up for herself and being disrespectful to her dad which i would not encourage.....

daska

Being meek on the phone won't stop her being resentful.

Maybe she needs a different way to communicate with him? I really was joking about the postcard but would you consider text or e-mail? That way she can say how she feels without it being 'face to face' as such. A letter where she can enclose a copy of the invite/flyer might be another option. He might be more understanding if she gets her point across and he has time to think before responding.

Soubrette

I think then that the only thing you've got left is to tell her that he compromised on the last weekend he was supposed to see her and so it's her turn to compromise this time. If it were me I would also be pointing out that he only sees her 4-5 times a month and annoying as it is, he is like this because he wants to see her.

Perhaps next time there is a clash on his weekend she could check with you first and offer the weekend swap up front and see what he says before there have been any toing and froing - perhaps something like, Dad, I have a sleepover part on your weekend - can I ask Mum if it would be all right to swap because I really want to go to the party and I really want to see you too.

Sou

chipsdog

I would tell him she is sick!!! I bet if he wanted to change weekends to suit him eg work or wedding etc he would ring and tell you with no problem whatsoever. At your DD age she thinks is it the most importatant thing to go to the disco with her friends, they will all be talking about it in school before and after the event, I know they have to learn, but, going to these events is all part of growing up. Get her to ask him again and to be strong.
Good Luck

nickyhutch

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Children need to learn that you can't always get what you want and that the world doesn't revolve around them. We have obligations - all of us, even children. We have to make sacrifices and sometimes we have to put other people first. It's part of growing up - having to give and take and compromise. You have to learn to handle your peers, too. She's only eleven and there will be plenty more discos, parties and distractions but the relationship with her father is far more important at this age.

She won't understand this, of course - she will just want her way, like any normal child. It's up to you, her mother, to teach her self-discipline and show consideration for other people.

Personally, I feel that days with Dad are sacrosanct and not negotiable at the age of 11 - it will be different when she gets to 15 or 16.

But why should she suffer because her parents split up? She shouldn't, should she? Dad needs to be more flexible.

Kay_Peel

A few things seem blindingly obvious to me:

1. It's not as though events like the school eisteddford appeared out of the blue. The disco, too - it wasn't organised and advertised at the last minute. As 74jax said - it comes down to planning and giving as much notice as possible so that weekends can be swopped.

2. He may well think that you are working against him. It's plain that you want your daughter to miss her weekend and do something else. Your daughter knows that she has your support and your ex can sense it in the way she has broached the subject. (You say that she has 'nagged' him). I think that you are building up a whole lot of problems for yourself and I'm not surprised that your ex is going to dig his heels in. He probably feels hard-done-to and blames you. All he's trying to do is maintain the bond with his daughter.

3. He could probably see the reason for your daughter to take part in the eisteddford, but he wants to impress upon her that it was a one-off. She can't just drop him when she gets a better offer of something more exciting. If he doesn't put his foot down now then the visits will get less frequent until, by the time she's 13, she won't go at all.

I totally disagree with posters who say that father should give in to his daughter's wishes - otherwise she won't like it and will resent him. That's rubbish! She may need it explaining to her but her father is putting his foot down because he loves her and doesn't want to lose her.

I don't make any judgement about an 11 year old child - she's too young to appreciate the long term consequences of estrangement from her father. I do, however, think that you shouldn't encourage her to feel that she can mess her father about when it suits.

Perhaps if you supported him more then your relationship would improve and you'd be able to communicate properly about the joint care of your child. Perhaps if you planned ahead and had given him more notice the problem wouldn't have arisen in the first place.