advice wanted re;daughter going to see dad on weekends

bonjovibel_729

my daughter is in tears tonight cos she wants to go to a disco next week at her fave youth club but she goes down her dads every other weekend and she has asked if he can pick her up on sat and he refused without any discussion.....any ideas in what i can do?? dont really wanna get into a slanging match with my ex but dont want her to miss out cos of his pig headedness.....shes 11 btw

angelicmary85

Does he not want to pick her up on Sat as it's not the usual arrangement?

skylight

I get the same with my eldest who is almost 16 and wants to do other things on the weekend. I have just had a horrid phone call because I have asked him if he can take the others to his Mums this weekend rather than his flat as they really want to see Nanny too. Lead balloon that was.

I just do what makes my kids happy (without giving in to every pandering), look at what is realistic and practical, then have a forced smile on the end of the phone whilst taking the ear bashing; reminding myself that his unforgiving/unrelenting/his way only nature was one of the reasons we split in the first place. I refuse slanging matches, he is unarmed in that department so it's not fair really! I let him say his piece and then re-iterate with whats going to happen.

jack*tigger

Could she go to her Dad's a different weekend. Or maybe a longer stay over the Easter holidays.

Perhaps she should ask her Dad so he can see it is coming from her and how much it means to her.

samhuzz

If she really wants to go to the disco and doesn't want to go to his next weekend, I'd tell him that's how it's going to be. He can't make the poor girl go with him if she doesn't want to, she will just be miserable if she is missing out. Tell him not to be so selfish. It's not all about him. Couldn't he have her on Sunday instead.

McKneff

samhuzz wrote: »

If she really wants to go to the disco and doesn't want to go to his next weekend, I'd tell him that's how it's going to be. He can't make the poor girl go with him if she doesn't want to, she will just be miserable if she is missing out. Tell him not to be so selfish. It's not all about him. Couldn't he have her on Sunday instead.

I agree totally with this post.

Is he happy to make her miserable. She will resent him for it and then resent you for not helping her more.
Is he a bit of a bully or a power freak.
Tell him exactly what you are going to do, full stop.

snowmaid

Not quite sure how far away her dad lives? But if he is relatively close, wouldn't it be wise of him to drive and fetch her at the disco?

She will soon be a teenager and will be looking to do her own things. While children need to learn that there are obligations they need to fulfil throughout their lives, her Dad would be wise to form a bond with his child, rather than have your child resent him.

She is going to want to go out more and in a controlled way this isn't a bad thing. She will soon be at an age where she will refuse to go to him at all. He should rather compromise and start making allowances for the fact that his little girl is growing up and daddy's company will soon be a thing of the past as she spreads her wings.

daska

Contact is for the benefit of the children, not the parent! Yes she ought to maintain a relationship with him but at her age her peers are going to be increasingly important. These events are part of her emotional and social education and he needs to fit in with them.

It would be a lot better coming from her rather than you. Could she ring him or send him a postcard? "I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME MISS MY DISCO" in large red letters...? (not seriously suggesting this but DSD did the equivalent to her dad on Facebook last night and he definitely noticed that she wasn't happy LOL)

Kay_Peel

Children need to learn that you can't always get what you want and that the world doesn't revolve around them. We have obligations - all of us, even children. We have to make sacrifices and sometimes we have to put other people first. It's part of growing up - having to give and take and compromise. You have to learn to handle your peers, too. She's only eleven and there will be plenty more discos, parties and distractions but the relationship with her father is far more important at this age.

She won't understand this, of course - she will just want her way, like any normal child. It's up to you, her mother, to teach her self-discipline and show consideration for other people.

Personally, I feel that days with Dad are sacrosanct and not negotiable at the age of 11 - it will be different when she gets to 15 or 16.

*max*

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Children need to learn that you can't always get what you want and that the world doesn't revolve around them. We have obligations - all of us, even children. We have to make sacrifices and sometimes we have to put other people first. It's part of growing up - having to give and take and compromise. You have to learn to handle your peers, too. She's only eleven and there will be plenty more discos, parties and distractions but the relationship with her father is far more important at this age.

She won't understand this, of course - she will just want her way, like any normal child. It's up to you, her mother, to teach her self-discipline and show consideration for other people.

Personally, I feel that days with Dad are sacrosanct and not negotiable at the age of 11 - it will be different when she gets to 15 or 16.

The fact she is even able to voice her preferences is the sign of a good, stable relationship with both parents. She is behaving like a normal 11 year old, and you don't want to change that! If you can't come up with an arrangement with her dad, he's the one who will lose out in the long term. She will see going to her dad's as a chore. Trust me.
Talk to her dad, and explain that it's much better if she goes to him when she actually isn't pushed to. She can go for longer next time, or longer at the next holiday. If she goes against her will, everyone will have a crap time.

Never force a child to visit her "non live-in" parent. They will only resent you both for it. It's not about "children HAVE to do what their parents say". Sometimes the parents are the childish ones.

seven-day-weekend

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Children need to learn that you can't always get what you want and that the world doesn't revolve around them. We have obligations - all of us, even children. We have to make sacrifices and sometimes we have to put other people first. It's part of growing up - having to give and take and compromise. You have to learn to handle your peers, too. She's only eleven and there will be plenty more discos, parties and distractions but the relationship with her father is far more important at this age.

She won't understand this, of course - she will just want her way, like any normal child. It's up to you, her mother, to teach her self-discipline and show consideration for other people.

Personally, I feel that days with Dad are sacrosanct and not negotiable at the age of 11 - it will be different when she gets to 15 or 16.

Thank goodness for this post, I felt I was going to be a lone voice!

Of course she should put her face straight and go and see her dad, she can go to a disco any time (and imho is too young for one anyway at the moment, but that is up to the parents). All young people, especially teenagers, play up and grizzle when they can't get what they want, it is the parents' responsibility to guide them the right way, not to give in to every whim.

Her relationship with her father is far more important than a disco and I would try to explain this to her, saying that as her parents you have to do what you feel to be right Maybe she could have some of her friends sleepover at a later date instead, or another treat.

I don't blame the dad for wanting to see her as usual, my word, you get enough people on here complaining because the dad DOESN'T want to see the children.

Anyway, enough of my two pennorth.