ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

blue-bells_2

kaya wrote: »

we share all our money and savings, always have done, we dont have an individual income as we are a couple, we have household income

My hubby and I have seperate accounts but that's due to him having a dreadful credit rating!

However, we do share all our money- we see it all as OUR money. It would never be a case of 'he owes me' or 'I owe him' as we see everything as being jointly owned. That has always worked for us, and I honestly couldn't imagine it working any other way

OP, I really hope you can manage to get through to him and sort this out
Like other posters have said I think you need to sit down, work out a SOA, work out a budget and be honest with each other!

Any

I agree. You are now seriously nagging him. He is now getting case against you as the nagging witch. Men never take nagging witches seriously. If he switched the phone off and block you from his emails, pack his bag and put it in front of the door. Either he opens his eyes and smell the roses or else. You cannot live like this.

He is behaving like a child and you are acting like his mother.

Men (not all but all I know) can spend money easily without having a track of where did it go. They don't like thinking about this and we don't see all the expenditure in detail so we are thinking of something sinister and it quite often is not.

We had many rows as well and now I do this (though I don't know whether it helps you as we don't have a child).
Have each separate account

Have joint account where are ALL the bills + budget for food + little extra for holidays/emergencies.
This is then divided between the two of us according to income (I earn less so I pay in slightly less). Standing order from each separate account into this one the day AFTER wages so we see immediately how much money we have for ourselves to spend without the other half knowing what we did with it.
Now, my OH never uses the card to this account and I can trust him he won't because he doesn't know how far gone I am with the food budget.

However he cannot be trusted with credit cards so he is allowed one for work expenditure.

It took while to get where we are now, on the end he agreed because I said I cannot live like this, if he doesn't want me to nagg him all the time which I hate and he hates we will do this and I don't care any further about the rest of the money. We are not the same in a way of money, he is for easy life I am for safe bets (ie I shop around, he needs to get something, goes to first the shop, in and out in minutes), not everyone is compatible in all aspects but you have to learn to compromise.

It has worked so far.

Liquorice_Twirls

Hi OP
There's a couple of things going on here - you're unhappy about your how family's finances are being shared/used/spent but also I see that when you tried to discuss this with your husband he blocked you emailing him at work, has taken his bank card and is not coming home this weekend.

Never mind you being accused of being controlling, he seems to be behaving like one very controlling individual! There is real financial control of you at a time (new baby not working now) when you are in a very vulnerable financial situation. Additionally he is controlling things by refusing to discuss it with you by blocking your emails and going away for the weekend.

Have a read of some of the tactics of abusive men in respect of financial abuse:

http://www.victiminfo.ca/domestic_violence.htm#3

Is this what you are talking about? Sorry if it seems shocking but you need to have a good look at just what is going on. You have a baby to be responsible for financially and emotionally and I'm aware of how hard this must be when it seems your husband is making it very hard to do this. What will happen in a few months when all your savings have gone?

snowmaid

confusedroast wrote: »

Okay so do you reckon if I just took out all that we need next month and just give him £300 and say - see how long that lasts, eg is MUST last for the month as all food, bills and mortgage are paid for and I make his lunch everyday, cook his dinner, etc.....that might work better?

And for the record I have also just put his name on my mortgage, even though he had bad credit I managed to sort it out all for him, I have got the solicitor to write up an agreement stating if it does go tits up then I own 80/20
Sorry but I earnt goood money and worked for the last 15 years to get to the position I got to, I had a mortgage in london at 22, I renovated properties and worked really hard to get this place, ploughed £40k into it (easily) and am about to spend the majority of my savings on doing the loft so we can then market it for a lot more money, which we will need to make in order to get a nice house on just hubbys wage
I have some savings left over again just in case....I would die for this man, he is my husband, the father to my daughter and the love of my life BUT if things do go wrong then I need to make sure I am still financially okay

I understand you love and would die for him...question is....is he doing the same for you or is it one sided. What does he actually contribute towards the relationship?

jamespir

Person_one wrote: »

There was quite a long thread on this issue recently. Basically a lot of people will be offended by what you just said and as it isn't helpful to the OP perhaps you should keep this opinion to yourself.

i think kaya is correct it's not offensive unless your only getting married to bleed your significant other dry

marriage does not seem to be about togetherness any more it seem to be i want to get married but still want to be my own seperate person run my own seperate life and have my own seperate money and thats why marriages are failing

jamespir

Liquorice_Twirls wrote: »

Hi OP
There's a couple of things going on here - you're unhappy about your how family's finances are being shared/used/spent but also I see that when you tried to discuss this with your husband he blocked you emailing him at work, has taken his bank card and is not coming home this weekend.

Never mind you being accused of being controlling, he seems to be behaving like one very controlling individual! There is real financial control of you at a time (new baby not working now) when you are in a very vulnerable financial situation. Additionally he is controlling things by refusing to discuss it with you by blocking your emails and going away for the weekend.

Have a read of some of the tactics of abusive men in respect of financial abuse:

http://www.victiminfo.ca/domestic_violence.htm#3

Is this what you are talking about? Sorry if it seems shocking but you need to have a good look at just what is going on. You have a baby to be responsible for financially and emotionally and I'm aware of how hard this must be when it seems your husband is making it very hard to do this. What will happen in a few months when all your savings have gone?

oh god were back to the i hate men brigade

hes not being controlling or causing domestic abuse

jayII

confusedroast wrote: »

Okay so do you reckon if I just took out all that we need next month and just give him £300 and say - see how long that lasts, eg is MUST last for the month as all food, bills and mortgage are paid for and I make his lunch everyday, cook his dinner, etc.....that might work better?

And for the record I have also just put his name on my mortgage, even though he had bad credit I managed to sort it out all for him, I have got the solicitor to write up an agreement stating if it does go tits up then I own 80/20
Sorry but I earnt goood money and worked for the last 15 years to get to the position I got to, I had a mortgage in london at 22, I renovated properties and worked really hard to get this place, ploughed £40k into it (easily) and am about to spend the majority of my savings on doing the loft so we can then market it for a lot more money, which we will need to make in order to get a nice house on just hubbys wage
I have some savings left over again just in case....I would die for this man, he is my husband, the father to my daughter and the love of my life BUT if things do go wrong then I need to make sure I am still financially okay

I would say you need to sit down and discuss spending with each other, look at income and expenses, and agree reasonable 'spending' amounts.

If you decide to 'give' him a certain amount, it is still treating him like a child. Even though he seems to be behaving like a child, treating him like one will probably encourage childish behaviour, not discourage it, and will cause a lot of long term problems.

I agree about the savings. You should both try to live off your current household income, not off savings, if at all possible.

floss2

confusedroast wrote: »

Okay so do you reckon if I just took out all that we need next month and just give him £300 and say - see how long that lasts, eg is MUST last for the month as all food, bills and mortgage are paid for and I make his lunch everyday, cook his dinner, etc.....that might work better?

Yes, as long as you are sure that he knows that all the bills are paid, that is all there is for him to spend all month and when its gone its gone. Can he run up an overdraft?

I agree that you need to sit down & pool your resources to pay your household expenses - you are a family and he should be contributing to the support of that family, not relying on your savings. Maybe you should lock some away so you can only get at it in a real emergency (if your roof falls off for example, you won't worry about losing some interest, but I bet you won't be so eager to withdraw for paying your bills)

confusedroast

Possible signs of financial control and abuse:

• withholding, restricting and controlling money required for the necessities of life and/or comfort and well being of the victim, dependents, and/or family
• disproportionate and irresponsible spending in relation to the offender's personal needs, wants, and interests to the detriment of the victim and/or family
• withholding information about the financial resources of the couple/family and/or household financial matters
• denying access to bank accounts and financial records
• coercion to sign financial documents

MY HUSBAND IS NONE OF THESE THINGS

Indout96

marriage does not seem to be about togetherness any more it seem to be i want to get married but still want to be my own seperate person run my own seperate life and have my own seperate money and thats why marriages are failing

Best thing I have read on here for ages