ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

confusedroast

But WE as a family need to know where money goes James

Is it fair that I always have to bail us out? I dont have the money to do that anymore - I wish I didnt pay for the holiday now BUT we both need one and more importantly we have to be out of the house whilst the first part of the loft conversion is done

Person_one

kaya wrote: »

i cant believe that people who are married still have his n hers bank accounts and savings in this day and age !!!!!
we share all our money and savings, always have done, we dont have an individual income as we are a couple, we have household income, you must all have serious trust issues going on inside your relationships, if you dont trust each other with something as simple as finances what chance do you have for a long term relationship?

There was quite a long thread on this issue recently. Basically a lot of people will be offended by what you just said and as it isn't helpful to the OP perhaps you should keep this opinion to yourself.

jayII

Have you sat down and discussed each of you having your own 'pocket money' accounts?

Would he be willing to have his salary split, at the start of the month. With agreed amounts going into 'savings' 'pocket money', and 'bills' accounts?

It might make a difference if he feels he has an account he can spend from, without having to justify it to anyone.

londoner1998

kaya wrote: »

i cant believe that people who are married still have his n hers bank accounts and savings in this day and age !!!!!
we share all our money and savings, always have done, we dont have an individual income as we are a couple, we have household income, you must all have serious trust issues going on inside your relationships, if you dont trust each other with something as simple as finances what chance do you have for a long term relationship?

Now, Kaya, this is your opinion and that's fine- this works for some people, it doesn't for others. In this day and age, many women have realised that if things go pear-shaped in a relationship, they are left with nothing if they don't have their own money and it gets very difficult practically and emotionally when having to split everything.
The OP needs advice on her problem, not a judgement on the long-term posibilities or her marriage based on whether they have a joint or separate accounts.
I keep separate accounts from my OH and we lend money to each other if we need to and contribute equally to the house running costs- the rest os for eachos us to spend as we see fit. We have a solid relationshigoing on 7 1/2 years. My best friend is going through hell on earth, just trying to move on from a very abusive relationship- the hardest is being separating accounts, phone contracts and the rest...just an example that things are not just one way.
So please recognise that there are many ways of doing things. And this is not the 50's- people are entitled to have their own accounts and I strongly advise women to do so if they want- things are easier if problems arise...

lady_wolfs_head

My husbands money goes into my account, that pays all the bill and all the DD are there. My wages go into the joint account. He gets £200 cash, that is his, he does not have to buy lunch or food as I make sandwichesand cook his food. His money is for petrol and what he wants, The rest I use £500 ish, on food clothes, home etc and try to bank £150.

Once he has his cash he does not touch the account, I like to know exactly what is in and out. So no scary moments

Spendless

DrScotsman wrote: »

This day and age? IMO you have it backwards; nowadays couples getting together are usually both used to handling money individually, and they aren't exactly likely to just merge their finances cold turkey the moment they get married. Surely it's in the past where it was more likely that only one person in a couple would cope with the money and hence have accounts for the whole family? (Especially considering that men and women weren't considered as equal back then, let's face it)

It sounds like this is the problem to me. They were both used to earning and spending individually, now the dynamics have changed where the OP only has £160 per month coming to her in her own name, because the things she 'pays' for are more than this she's dipping into savings from before that were also solely hers.
Clearly this can not continue. You need to say well when we were childless and both earning we did x but now are circs are different we need to change how the family finances are sorted out and divided up.

shellsuit

jamespir wrote: »

your nagging him thats the worse thing you can do leave it for the three days after his golf trip and he should come back cap in hand ready to apologise but if you keep ringing him hes going to get more and more annoyed and he probably wont come home

i know its hard for you and its very difficult going from two incomes to one

you need to treat him as an equal where as it sounds your acting like the boss and demanding he tell you who and what he spends his money on

being married is all about sharing and respecting each other

But he's acting like a kid, so deserves to be treated like one.

They have a child, so both should be responsible parents and not be spending money like it's going out of fashion. At the moment, only one is doing this when it should be both of them.

If he is going to have a tantrum, then that's tough ~ OP won't be able to sort the money situ out if she doesn't take hold of the finances and account for every penny and if that means having control over his bank account and card till she can show him exactly where the money is going, that's what she has to do.

euronorris

No one's saying you shouldn't know where the money goes, Confused. We are just recommending that this isn't the best way to approach it.

You need to have a long chat, and budget together, work together etc etc. Otherwise he'll never learn, you'll get more frustrated and resentful and things won't improve.

confusedroast

Okay so do you reckon if I just took out all that we need next month and just give him £300 and say - see how long that lasts, eg is MUST last for the month as all food, bills and mortgage are paid for and I make his lunch everyday, cook his dinner, etc.....that might work better?

And for the record I have also just put his name on my mortgage, even though he had bad credit I managed to sort it out all for him, I have got the solicitor to write up an agreement stating if it does go tits up then I own 80/20
Sorry but I earnt goood money and worked for the last 15 years to get to the position I got to, I had a mortgage in london at 22, I renovated properties and worked really hard to get this place, ploughed £40k into it (easily) and am about to spend the majority of my savings on doing the loft so we can then market it for a lot more money, which we will need to make in order to get a nice house on just hubbys wage
I have some savings left over again just in case....I would die for this man, he is my husband, the father to my daughter and the love of my life BUT if things do go wrong then I need to make sure I am still financially okay

snowmaid

kaya wrote: »

i cant believe that people who are married still have his n hers bank accounts and savings in this day and age !!!!!
we share all our money and savings, always have done, we dont have an individual income as we are a couple, we have household income, you must all have serious trust issues going on inside your relationships, if you dont trust each other with something as simple as finances what chance do you have for a long term relationship?

Totally agree with you. How can a marriage work if each person is keeping their own account and spending as they wish, when the household is suffering?!?!?

We have different accounts, but know eachother's login details, move money between accounts as needed and will pay debts out of whichever account has money!

Surely as a married couple you have a joint goal - that is to be happy in retirement - TOGETHER. If you can't share finances and only share a bed, why bother?