Nnot sure if this is the right place to be

eatandspendaholic

Just tried to do SOA but messed it all up and it didnt paste !!! Its said i had £37 a month left. I know I can turn this is to at least a £150 at the rate I waste money. Its not that i do not have the money, its the handling that i need to sort out. I will try and do SOA again later.

thankyou

bargainbetty

Hiya, just wanted to add a bit.... I did all the same things - over ate, over spent, and over-well, you know what I need to say.

A lot of it came down to my own self-esteem - I felt horrible so I would eat, then I would buy clothes in the hope of slimming back into them, and then I would feel so unattractive that if any bloke showed me attention I would stop thinking with my brain and use other bits instead. Oh man, that walk of shame feels bad, doesn't it?

I talked to supportive friends, found things that interested me and worked hard at my job to feel better about myself. I lost some weight, which meant I could use those skinny clothes and get rid of my crisis fat pants, and learnt to flirt for fun (flirting has always been second nature to me, but I followed it up too often).....

It really helped when I was in America for work. I told a colleague that I felt totally inadequate in Charleston, because everyone was tall, thin, tanned and beautiful, while I was short, fleshy, pale and not. He stared at me for several minutes and then asked if I was serious. Told me that he had always thought me to be a truly beautiful woman with a smile that lit up a room. Having someone tell you that makes you realise that how you see yourself is not always how others see you. If they can think you are beautiful, why shouldn't you?

It works in reverse - how often do you see an absolutely !!!!!! bloke, with no personality and BO acting like he is a god? Perception is key. Start perceiving yourself as a beautiful, strong and powerful woman, and you'll find it easier to walk away from attention (or find a truly lovely bloke that deserves your love).

By the way, enjoy male attention all you want - it's fun. Just don't ever think you owe a flirtatious man anything except a drink in return.

PM me if you want - otherwise, good luck x

Butti

Hi,

Well done for posting. Well done for being so honest and posting.

All the aspects you have talked about I can relate to. I really can't 'tell you' whether what applies to me also applies to you but I can definately empathise and tell you what has worked for me.

There was a programme on TV about 5-8 years ago which looked at Spendaholics. So many of the people on that programme were spending over their problems, eating over their problems and trying to solve them by diving into bed with someone. The three are certainly related for me and I believe all have the root cause.

Basically for me I have had quite a critical and unemotional upbringing. This has left me with a big hole in the middle where my self esteem and self belief should be. This hole can briefly be filled by food/shopping/sex. None of which deal with it on a long term basis.

If the above is resonating with you the first thing I would suggest is maybe that you do go and see your Doctor and see if you can get some counselling on the NHS. It really helps with identifying underlying thought patterns and behaviour. My counsellor used CBT techniques with me.

You could do some reading, but I am a bit wary of recommending it without counselling or support as it can bring up a whole load of issues. If you do want to go down this route can you see if you have a friend you could sound things out with?
I got the following out of the library;
What's wrong with you - Benjamin Fry
A book by Tim Canthopher (I think) on depression. He is mentioned in Marcus Trescothick's autobiography.

Focus on journalling daily - it really helps you get any thoughts and issues out of your head and down on paper. Otherwise they can stay whirring round and round.

Come on here LOTS because the people on here are great (apart from the one or two you've already heard from via PMs)

Try and work out what else will help you to feel emotionally fuller. So for me that is things like;
seeing friends,
guitar class,
giving advice on here,
seeing non-critical family members,
gardening.

The final thought is I wonder if you have been checked for manic depression as your shopping patterns suggest a manic approach.

Please don't be embarrassed. There are a lot of us on here with problems and a lot of us on here to help.

B

eatandspendaholic

bargainbetty wrote: »

Hiya, just wanted to add a bit.... I did all the same things - over ate, over spent, and over-well, you know what I need to say.

A lot of it came down to my own self-esteem - I felt horrible so I would eat, then I would buy clothes in the hope of slimming back into them, and then I would feel so unattractive that if any bloke showed me attention I would stop thinking with my brain and use other bits instead. Oh man, that walk of shame feels bad, doesn't it?

I talked to supportive friends, found things that interested me and worked hard at my job to feel better about myself. I lost some weight, which meant I could use those skinny clothes and get rid of my crisis fat pants, and learnt to flirt for fun (flirting has always been second nature to me, but I followed it up too often).....

It really helped when I was in America for work. I told a colleague that I felt totally inadequate in Charleston, because everyone was tall, thin, tanned and beautiful, while I was short, fleshy, pale and not. He stared at me for several minutes and then asked if I was serious. Told me that he had always thought me to be a truly beautiful woman with a smile that lit up a room. Having someone tell you that makes you realise that how you see yourself is not always how others see you. If they can think you are beautiful, why shouldn't you?

It works in reverse - how often do you see an absolutely !!!!!! bloke, with no personality and BO acting like he is a god? Perception is key. Start perceiving yourself as a beautiful, strong and powerful woman, and you'll find it easier to walk away from attention (or find a truly lovely bloke that deserves your love).

By the way, enjoy male attention all you want - it's fun. Just don't ever think you owe a flirtatious man anything except a drink in return.

PM me if you want - otherwise, good luck x

Cant type as I cant see the keys for tears :A

Thankyou

eatandspendaholic

Butti wrote: »

Hi,

Well done for posting. Well done for being so honest and posting.

All the aspects you have talked about I can relate to. I really can't 'tell you' whether what applies to me also applies to you but I can definately empathise and tell you what has worked for me.

There was a programme on TV about 5-8 years ago which looked at Spendaholics. So many of the people on that programme were spending over their problems, eating over their problems and trying to solve them by diving into bed with someone. The three are certainly related for me and I believe all have the root cause.

Basically for me I have had quite a critical and unemotional upbringing. This has left me with a big hole in the middle where my self esteem and self belief should be. This hole can briefly be filled by food/shopping/sex. None of which deal with it on a long term basis.

If the above is resonating with you the first thing I would suggest is maybe that you do go and see your Doctor and see if you can get some counselling on the NHS. It really helps with identifying underlying thought patterns and behaviour. My counsellor used CBT techniques with me.

You could do some reading, but I am a bit wary of recommending it without counselling or support as it can bring up a whole load of issues. If you do want to go down this route can you see if you have a friend you could sound things out with?
I got the following out of the library;
What's wrong with you - Benjamin Fry
A book by Tim Canthopher (I think) on depression. He is mentioned in Marcus Trescothick's autobiography.

Focus on journalling daily - it really helps you get any thoughts and issues out of your head and down on paper. Otherwise they can stay whirring round and round.

Come on here LOTS because the people on here are great (apart from the one or two you've already heard from via PMs)

Try and work out what else will help you to feel emotionally fuller. So for me that is things like;
seeing friends,
guitar class,
giving advice on here,
seeing non-critical family members,
gardening.

The final thought is I wonder if you have been checked for manic depression as your shopping patterns suggest a manic approach.

Please don't be embarrassed. There are a lot of us on here with problems and a lot of us on here to help.

B

More tears, what fabulous people. When i first posted on this site, I never thought I would recieve such support. :A


Thankyou

eatandspendaholic

It works in reverse - how often do you see an absolutely !!!!!! bloke, with no personality and BO acting like he is a god?

This is so true, i have seen it many times and thought wow he/she is drop dead gorgeous, what they doing with them.

Food for thought,

Thankyou

eatandspendaholic

So engrossed in this site, my coffee's gone cold 3 times, cant reheat a 4th, have to have fresh

thankyou

WendysWorld

Hi EatAndSpendAholic, I think you've come to exactly the right place - a lot of people are in debt because they spent too much money to cover up something wrong in their lives. Money really can't buy you happiness but it can take a lot of spending, eating and otherwise;) to make you realise this.

Personally I think you should tackle your self-esteem issues as it's all stemming from here. Only you can find out why you feel the way you do, whether it's from your upbringing or an absent/useless father. I'm no psychologist but looking for attention from men can often lead straight back to a difficult relationship with your father. I'm sure there are lots of websites and phonelines that help because you are definitely not the only one. And you've admitted here so you've taken a giant step. Once it's all written down and clear in your head, it's easier to talk in person to a doctor or someone a bit more professional than us!


Best of luck and hope you get the help you need,

Wendyx

elfen

eatandspendaholic, I have the same problems with eating and overspending, but I'm trying to control it.

On the spending side, I make sure there's only a certain amount of money in my purse, and have no credit/debit/bank cards so I can't go crazy. I've also been putting stuff on ebay and thinking *if i make this much, i'll pay this off and go to cinema/buy a DVD/pretty fairy thing* and the rest goes to debt.
On the overeating, I've had to stick myself on a diet and try sorting myself out. I've got a rowy thing and a twisty board thing from TK Maxx (some stores have weeny exercise kit bits) but you can get them online and do them at home. I also scour charity shops for exercise DVDs, but Cash Convertor/Cex, seem to be better for cheap ones right now, and I feel quite good after doing it, knowing I'm getting in shape and it's enjoyable.

eatandspendaholic

BabyMother, thankyou for your message, there is something that keeps coming back to me, its from when i was about 10yrs old, its does not involve my father,he was a fabulous dad, but my grandfather. Having said that, its sketchy and I do not have a full memory of it, Im not even sure it happened ? I'm not up to posting it at the moment. But hope at a later date, I can put id down in words. I ate a lot and spent every penny I had as a teenager, thats what makes me think its to do with the 10 yr old issue ? or not

Elfen, thankyou for posting to me, I hate exercise, thats because i find it so uncomfortable. But know it has to be done. I do like swimming though, because thats dead easy, I'm a good swimmer. Just feel fat fat fat in my swimming costume. Im thinking about none spend, eat or treats. I am night shift tonight, so I am going to make a list of positive and negatives.

Thankyou