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'Quality' Time?

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  • tandraig
    tandraig Posts: 2,260 Forumite
    ty errata - tbh I am not sure whats normal - more sure on whats ABNORMAL.
  • Oldernotwiser
    Oldernotwiser Posts: 37,425 Forumite
    When I was a child, the things I did with my mother were just general things in the household, which didn't mean that she "did cooking with me" but rather I helped her with proper cooking (usually peeling potatoes, chopping onions and stirring!). She taught me how to do various household jobs properly (she'd been in service before she'd married) which could be quite fun, but was also more useful than playing with Playdough.

    My dad took me to the allotment with him, played football with me and took me to see the Arsenal play, all of which we both enjoyed.

    I think that parents nowadays spend too much time muscling into their children's lives and too little time involving them in their own, adult lives which leads children to believing that their lives and feelings are the most important.
  • tandraig
    tandraig Posts: 2,260 Forumite
    quality time? if its the half hour youre forced to do - then its not quality time.
    if you dont like playing with the kids then dont do it. if however you like music, ballet, opera, comedy dvds, gardening or whatever, then sharing that with the kids, that can be quality time - time you spend together enjoying each others company. kids can be fun and give you a whole new perspective. if you listen to them. and if you give them your attention theylove that. my grandkids love that i teach them crafts. i really feel it brings us closer. cant describe it really - but the kids love our craft sessions and they will talk to me during them.
  • jennihen
    jennihen Posts: 6,500 Forumite
    tandraig - your post made me feel a lot better!! We still have a lot of that going on. Watching a favourite TV programme with DD's - and with DS if you count lost. Making a hot chocolate and having a chat, laughing at the kitten with her surgical cone . . its happening.

    Always remember a French and Saunders sketch - 2 yuppy mum's doing 'quality time' with the kids and completely taking over and getting stressed ending with a fraught "This is supposed to be fun!"
    One life.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 46,902 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    You read a lot on this forum about parents spending 'quality' time with the children, such as spending time with them drawing, reading, baking, bathing and bedtime. I totally agree that all these things are important.

    But....does anyone else other than me NOT find it 'quality'? My son is grown up now, but tbh I hated doing these things and felt it was like watching paint dry. I DID do (some of) them, but it was out of duty and not out of enjoyment.

    I can remember my friend playing shops for hours on end with her daughter and wondering how she could stand it (she said she enjoyed it).

    I took my son out a lot, so we could meet other people so that I didn't have to spend hours entertaining him.

    The older he got the better I liked it.

    I am female, I had (and still have) a supportive husband and my son is now 30. I was a SAHM for four years, then went to Uni part time, then had a part time job until he was 15, when I went back to work full-time.
    I haven't read the other responses yes, but YES! I hated all the messy stuff.
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  • mrcow
    mrcow Posts: 15,170 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 11 March 2010 at 9:17AM
    When I was a child, the things I did with my mother were just general things in the household, which didn't mean that she "did cooking with me" but rather I helped her with proper cooking (usually peeling potatoes, chopping onions and stirring!). She taught me how to do various household jobs properly (she'd been in service before she'd married) which could be quite fun, but was also more useful than playing with Playdough.

    My dad took me to the allotment with him, played football with me and took me to see the Arsenal play, all of which we both enjoyed.

    I think that parents nowadays spend too much time muscling into their children's lives and too little time involving them in their own, adult lives which leads children to believing that their lives and feelings are the most important.

    I agree with all of this.

    I would also go even further though and say that as parents, it is also our duty to sit down and teach our children how to play (with a variety of things)/read/take turns/give new ideas in imaginative play.

    If you find it boring, then tough - you're a parent, it's your job - so do it properly. It's not up to a nursery to do - it has to come from home....as does fair, consistent discipline.

    Wheeling kids off to play centres, constantly being around other people's houses or charging around the woods every day etc is all fine enough, but it doesn't encourage a child to hold their attention span, use their imagination, keep to task for fifteen minutes on quieter tasks and to learn to concentrate. The more children I get to know, then more I believe that this is a learned behaviour.

    Spending time with a child involving them in what you are doing and showing a genuine one to one interest in what you are doing with them is paramount. It builds up a level of security, calmness and confidence in a child which is palpable. Unfortunately, it's something that many kids seem to lack these days.

    If you don't teach/encourage children regularly how to sit down and behave quietly and play nicely, taking turns (and not having to win each and every time), respecting the fact that they are not the only person in a room, you are doing them a disservice.
    "One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
    Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."
  • mrcow
    mrcow Posts: 15,170 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    This is a prime example:

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/2975447/Fewer-parents-reading-to-their-children.html

    "One in four parents rarely or never read to their children"

    How on earth does anyone expect their children to be able to sit still and learn to read effectively when they never show them how to do it themselves?

    Citing that you don't have time is just lazy. It takes ten minutes or less to read a kids book and is one of the simplest one to one activites that you can do with a child.
    "One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
    Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."
  • seven-day-weekend
    seven-day-weekend Posts: 36,755 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 11 March 2010 at 10:53AM
    I would just like to point out to mr cow (in case she has the wrong end of the stick) that I DID read to my son and my husband did cooking and lego and made up stories for him. We weren't 'constantly being around other people's houses or charging around the woods every day' and he was certainly able to do things that interested him on his own.

    Just saying that I didn't like it (I did it, I didn't have to enjoy it afaik) and we did go out as well.

    Anyway, something must have rubbed off because he has always been a bookworm and still loves lego at the age of 30. :)
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  • mrcow
    mrcow Posts: 15,170 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I would just like to point out to mr cow (in case she has the wrong end of the stick) that I DID read to my son and my husband did cooking and lego and made up stories for him. We weren't 'constantly being around other people's houses or charging around the woods every day' and he was certainly able to do things that interested him on his own.


    Hi - it wasn't a personal comment (to anyone) that I was making at all. ;)

    I can understand why you've posted that though - it's a very emotive subject (as are most things when we care deeply).
    "One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
    Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."
  • keys_2
    keys_2 Posts: 1,070 Forumite
    I always make sure I do things everyday with dd , but yes I do not like some of the things myself for example she is into playing hide and seek in the house at the moment , which as you can imagine there isnt plenty of places for me to hide being adult sized , so to make it more fun for myself I have changed the rules a bit now and then and hide an object instead { sometimes being a toy } that she has to find , which then turns into her wanting to play with that instead when she finds it ;)

    I try my best to vary quality time with her , for example of I have plenty of time on my hands for cleaning up later on I will get the paints out and we will put our hands and feet in . Other days it will be board games where she is learning to count , shapes , alphabet etc , which I then enjoy also seeing how she is progressing with her learning .
    The days I just want to get out of the house we will go and have a picninc in the park , feed the ducks , she can go out on her scooter , bike or skates . Other days its a gentle stroll for me and she plays on the swings and slide .
    I always try and fit in something educational for her , and I always read to her at night even if I havnt got round to it in the day also. I give her a choice of around 5 books each night which the choice will be short stories if im tired or longer stories if im not . This way I feel she still has the choice and she doesnt notice if im really not in the mood for reading a huge novel to her ;)

    I always involve her in making tea and household jobs , she enjoys this and I also feel it prepares her for older life . She loves washing the potatoes when I have peeled them , putting pillowcases on the pillows , picking things off the floor when I hoover , setting the table , and dusting etc , etc . I think this also helps you and makes it fun for her , whilst also teaching her teamwork .


    The best method I have found so far is that I do not tell her we will be having quality time doing a particular thing i.e Board game , going out , reading etc . This way I just do it at that time and I also know myself that if the following morning etc if I dont fancy taking her out on her bike etc I have not promised her something I really dont want to do when the time comes . However I plan in my mind when I will do the things she enjoys the most , just to make sure she does get to do them at a time I am prepared fully to enjoy them with her as I find this method helps .

    It is her birthday today , so when i pick her up from nursery she knows we will be having quality time all day doing whatever she wants , and im looking forward to it as I am prepared :D
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