Drinking

Lotus-eater

Glad to see it is off to a good start.

I'll just give you a little bit more advice if I may,

Everyone has to find their own point at which they are happy about what they and/or their partner drinks.
For many, that means never touching a drop again, for some, drinking moderately with friends, for some they can treat alcohol like normal people, go out and get a bit sqiffy now and again, take it or leave it.
For me, it means enjoying a good bottle of red wine every couple of weeks, spread over a couple of days, I'm not that bothered and don't worry about it that much, I've got over my own personal hump and my nature to alcohol has changed, I wish I knew why, so I could tell others, but I don't, it just has.

No one way is right for everyone, many many alcoholics and organisations, believe that you can never look at drink the same way again and have to be on your guard for ever more and that may well be true.

I hope that he does see what has been going on and you continue to be there for him, but do remember, sometimes it's necessary for the drinking partner to see what they can lose, it's all very well you standing by him, but if he carries on regardless knowing you will always be there, well, that's something you have to decide by yourself.

bestgeorge

Just another quick update

We have both been away a lot recently so had a very social week planned (we both took a holiday week). After the talk on Saturday morning we went for dinner with friends that night and he had half a bottle of wine with dinner plus two glasses at the bar after and was the soberest member of the party apart from me. Sunday we had lunch with friends and again he split a bottle of wine with the other 2 and didnt drink all night. Monday we had dinner with his sister, they split a bottle of wine and each had a bottle of beer. Tuesday nothing, Wednesday 2 glasses of wine with dinner (just him and me). This was the end of the week since we both have weird work patterns. I was happy with this as a start since I think he probably shouldnt give up cold turkey given the amount he was drinking. I havent had a drink since we had the talk and have also realised that I have been drinking more than I like as well because of him, I feel alot better for not drinking. He did ask a few times would I not give in but I didnt and wasnt all that nice about it either - no appeasment. I also walked past the sainsburys 25% off wine sale tonight as well lol!

I had another talk with him this morning before the work thing gets crazy again and made it crystal clear that the talk on Saturday wasnt a one off. He admitted that he had been stupid and that he needed to cut back. I would have liked him to admit the affects on his health but he didnt get that far. Although some of the health problems sorted themselves out a little I think he does know in his heart of hearts that it is effecting his health but he will never admit it. I was also very clear that this cannot be his way of dealing with stress and I will work on that more with him. And I am not letting him get away with any of it again, I decided as you say that if he does something to embarrass me I will not cover it up and I will make sure he knows about it. He has committed to seriously reducing his intake - I suggested thinking about the safe weekly allowance for men and he agreed to this.

The really good thing about doing this thread is that it is a touchstone for me - I will come back and post from time to time if you dont mind. I think part of the problem has been that I thought I was being unreasonable or stupid and I also have a bad memory so was able to persuade myself I was making things up especially when we were seeing so little of each other. But that time is ending soon. I dont think this is over yet, I think that his alcohol intake will creep up again over time but now Ive laid down a marker and need to think about where my lines are - you are right on this lotus eater. And I think its something that will take constant vigilance from both of us. But Im going to give it a go.

Thanks again.

moorebobbie

Just responding, slowly, to Michelin's questions. I have been away on businesss for a week, so have been ignoring this issue. But today I fly home to face the music - and see how much she has been consuming in my absence.

Re a trigger, I have no idea, and she won't talk about her alcohol problem, so we can't explore that one. Interestingly, her brother has had a problem too - got banned for drink driving twice.

She does not know I am leaving, but I have repeatedly told her I won't continue living with her if she carries on drinking at this level.

pukkamum

My DH was the same, he was always the most drunk, the one drunk before everybody else, the sometimes nasty drunk.
I enabled it for 6 years (though i didn't realise this is what i was doing) i would make excuses for him, take him home before anyone noticed how drunk he was, drink with him, stopped drinking so i could 'look after him' whilst drunk.
Accepted his reasoning that he was young, all his friends were doing it, i was a nag, a square, didn't know how to have a good time etc etc.
I would have to put a plastic sheet on the bed as he more often than not he wet in the night.
He did it at my mum's house and i spent hours cleaning and drying the mattress so she wouldn't know.
He wet at my sisters house and i had to pretend the baby had spilled a drink on the bed.
We had many many conversations about him stopping, he would agree repent, cry apologise etc but it continued.
Then it came to a head when we went out with my sister and her OH one night, as usual he got very drunk very quickly and when we got back to my sisters house started on the vodka. I could see him unravelling before my eyes and usually at this point i would step in, stop him drinking and take hime to bed, stay awake all night to ensure he didn't wet or vomit in the bed etc.

Only this time i didn't, we had a one yr old baby (not in the house that night) and i knew that although i could cope with his drinking (or so i thought) when it was the two of us , i would not put my son through it.
So i left him to it, he drank to the point of hallucination fighting people who weren't there vomited all over my sisters house ( i would have cleaned up rpeviously before she knew).
When everyone awoke in the morning i did not defend him in anyway i told him i was leaving and i meant it and he knew as i had said in fornt of my sister i meant it.
That combined with the humiliation of the night led him to stop and admit he cannot drink so here we are 15 yrs down the line and he hasn't done it again.
He still finds it hard to control his drinking and on the rare occasion he does drink he still is the first drunk and most drunk but these times are very few and far between and nothing like he was previously.
So all i am saying is it can work out.

gratefulforhelp_2

My DH and I are pretty big drinkers (not in pregnancy I should add). A few weeks ago, after 2 bottles of wine to himself, he collapsed in the bathroom. He got up again and collapsed again in front of our two small children.

I think (and hope) that was our rock bottom, he's ok. He insists he doesn't need to give up completely, but apart from half a bottle of wine on his birthday he's been alcohol-free since. Please share this with your DH if it will help, he's 46 and otherwise fit and healthy.

Michelin

moorebobbie wrote: »

Just responding, slowly, to Michelin's questions. I have been away on businesss for a week, so have been ignoring this issue. But today I fly home to face the music - and see how much she has been consuming in my absence.

Re a trigger, I have no idea, and she won't talk about her alcohol problem, so we can't explore that one. Interestingly, her brother has had a problem too - got banned for drink driving twice.

She does not know I am leaving, but I have repeatedly told her I won't continue living with her if she carries on drinking at this level.

Is this final for you or would you go back to her if she stopped? Sometimes it takes something this drastic to bring people to their senses. I really hope it all worsk out for you and that you get what you want from this situation - you really have tried hard and it is a shame that she can't see that.

moorebobbie

Re going back to her, I feel as if her behaviour has snuffed out the candle. I have had a torrid last couple of months, and I have now effectively emotionally cut myself off from her. I view my future as being without her. I pity her and don't feel we can turn the clock back, even if she stopped tomorrow. But I might, perhaps, give it a try. I just can't see her own up and accept reality. I think she really still doesn't think I know the truth about how much she drinks.

I got home today from my foreign work trip. I opened the front door at 6.10pm and the key in the door roused her from her slumber on the sofa. Sure enough, the half bottle of vodka she bought this morning is in the bottom of the wardrobe, empty.

Lotus-eater

How did you know she bought a half bottle of vodka in the morning, if you've only just got back from an overseas trip?
I'm not trying to catch you out or anything, but it just seems a bit odd.

bestgeorge

Thanks Pukkamum and gratefulforhelp for sharing your experiences, it's really useful to hear both that other people have done this and that hopefully my current tactics have a chance of working. Moorebobby Im sorry to hear that things havent got any better for you. I dont really have anything helpful to say in your situation. Does she have any friends or relatives you could talk to about this? It sounds alot more serious than my situation especially if shes drinking spirits in the daytime. And not being able to talk about it must make it all worse.

as for us, hes away for work at the minute and had a big end of project night out last night. Phoned me on the way home pretty sober and commenting on how drunk everyone else was which was great, and was able to tell me exactly how much he drank and he sounded proud of himself for it, especially since it was all on the company and it is more or less expected for people to get hammered. I dont think hes been drinking that much since hes been away, or at least it doesnt sound like he has been. I will be able to tell though when he gets back since I sort out all of his receipts for expenses claims and I know he wont think to keep them seperate. the next thing to tackle is a LOT of alcohol free days in the week.

And since hes away I allowed myself a glass of wine with dinner last night and it was lovely I have missed this a little bit...but determined to stick with it.

katieclampet

Hi,

I have been following this thread, and can't really offer any advice, since everything I would have said has been said by other posters. I don't really (thankfully) have any family experience with this kind of problem, but I do know from work experience that in cases like this, the person has to want to help themselves.

You sound like a really strong person, and I hope it all works out for you,

katiex