Drinking

bestgeorge

Usual story, an alterego again
I’m really worried about my partner’s drinking. This is the first time I’ve said it. He drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and often opens a second bottle. When we go out at weekends for lunch he’ll have 1-2 glasses of wine, then a shared bottle with dinner which he drinks the majority of then another bottle and maybe another after that. He isn't interested in going anywhere that doesn't have drink. I guess it’s probably 100 units or more a week. I’ve noticed his hands are shaking a lot and it’s also effected our s*x life as well. I’ve tried talking to him about it from a health point of view, he’s put on a bit of weight and is vain enough to care about this. He keeps saying he’ll cut back and he even does sometimes but it doesn’t last. I’ve also got really upset about it a couple of times and ended up in tears so he knows that it’s something I’m thinking about. I’m really scared to talk to him about stopping altogether, I feel like once I let this cat out of the bag there’s no going back. I don’t want to be the bad cop about his drinking. It’s embarrassing too, when we go out with other people he always drinks faster than anyone else and ends up p*ssed by 11. He says its stress or tiredness – he does work really hard and long hours. but it’s the drink really. And I think it will effect his work, tho he doesnt drink during work but his concentration and memory are getting worse. I know I have to talk to him about this. He’s just coming to the end of a big project and I know it’s the right time. And we’re going on holiday soon and I’m dreading it because our last few holidays have just been about drinking and I can’t turn a blind eye the same way. I’m so scared for him and for both of us. We have been together 25 years and the drinking has just crept up over the last 10 years or so since he changed his job. If I ask him to stop altogether and he doesn’t where does that leave us? Will he start drinking sneakily? Is it realistic to ask him to cut down? Has anyone managed to turn things around with someone elses drinking? I don’t want to leave him, I love him and know he loves me. But he’s slowly killing himself and it’s really hard to watch.

Lotus-eater

bestgeorge wrote: »

If I ask him to stop altogether and he doesn’t where does that leave us?

That's a question you have to ask yourself, if he doesn't, what will you do?

bestgeorge wrote: »

Will he start drinking sneakily? Is it realistic to ask him to cut down?

You can ask, you can even tell him. If he doesn't want to, he won't.

There are various ways through this, <sigh>

You stay with him for ever and put up with the drinking till he dies, or gets seriously ill, or decides to cut down himself (usually by dying or getting seriously ill)

You give him an ultimatum, some will pick their family, some drink. Some who pick their family will make it, some not.
If you give him an ultimatum and you don't go through with it, you carry on being an enabler and it carries on. If you do go through with it, the jolt may be enough to get him to stop, or he might get worse.

It depends how bad it is, sounds bad to me. Getting him to go to the doctor and going with him would be a good start, as would stopping enabling him.

richardw

There are other ways of coping with stress at work.

Pee

There are def other ways of coping with the stress at work - but drink is one of the easiest ones to turn to. A colleague who recently had to cover for her boss noted how her, usually moderate, drinking increased. As you point out, it doesn't actually make it worse as you are then trying to work with maybe a hangover, maybe a feeling of guilt or tiredness.

Could you do something like go to the gym together that might be an alcohol free way of spending some time and might give him a focus - maybe challenge him to a 5k run for charity or a hill walk in a couple of months time? The not wanting to go anywhere where he can't drink is the bit that worries me.

Lotus eater sums up your options really well.

I had an ex who chose the drink over me, and at the time it felt personal, but in hindsight I can see that drink would have won over anyone, it wasn't "my fault". I didn't try a hard approach. I always wanted to help and be there for him and I wouldn't drink when he was trying not to, only to find vodka in his squash glass. He was too drunk to be any company, but putting up with the drinking is one thing, putting up with lies is another one entirely and when he lied about the drink, that really upset me. Ruined my trust in humankind for a little while. After we had split up, his sister tried a hard approach and although I thought that might work, it didn't.

If I could go back and change anything, I couldn't solve that problem and the only thing I would say is that I wish I realised that and gave up sooner.

*Louise*

Approach him and tell him your concerns, then let us know what he says.

If he agrees and wants to cut down - you're sorted.
If he doesn't - then we can help you discuss your further options.


But none of us can predict how he feels or what he thinks.

We have this problem with a relative - vodka as well as wine. She uses the excuse that she is bored and has nothing else to do, but she won't 'do' anything. You can't help someone unless you know they want help

Please, talk to him - you've been with him long enough that you should be able to be open about your feelings on the matter x

bestgeorge

Thank you all

He has agreed to cut down before and he does do it for a while and will point out that he only had one glass or whatever but it doesnt last and it creeps up again. that is why i am not sure about asking him to cut down again since it doesn't work so well and I think I would end up having to say it again the following week. I did say to him last week that he should give up for a month when his project is finished and he kind of heard it but didnt really answer. And I hate being a nag

Pee he has started exercising again which he had stopped when things were terribly busy. He runs and also plays squash. Sometimes this does help thanks.

lotus eater you are right about being an enabler, I know in the past I have purchased his alcohol for him being a good moneysaver and I have stopped doing that now. I noticed his favourite wine on offer the other day though and commented on it and he bought 6 bottles :mad: was mad at myself for that but I am learning. I am trying to see if I am enabling him in other ways too but the main thing I do is drive when he is drinking since I am not a big drinker myself and dont miss it. I dont cover for him but maybe I help him cover for himself and lie to himself because I dont tell the truth? Is that enabling?

It is really good to finally say some of this I have been hiding it from myself too because it has been too scary and I lie awake thinking about it at nights

he is really smart and kind and funny and a lovely guy and I dont understand why he is doing this to himself

ninky_2

what do the people you socialise with think about heavy drinking? my OH has a tendency to drink a little too much sometimes (no way near a bottle a night though) but fortunately because the friends on his side don't really approve of being drunk / drinking it hasn't escalated. they will make comments about not drinking etc and so it doesn't all come from me.

i think that helps.

does he know how upset you are by it?

i think if you make a bigger deal of it every time he drinks it might actually help.

100 units a week is way too much.

Lotus-eater

bestgeorge wrote: »

lotus eater you are right about being an enabler, I know in the past I have purchased his alcohol for him being a good moneysaver and I have stopped doing that now. I noticed his favourite wine on offer the other day though and commented on it and he bought 6 bottles :mad: was mad at myself for that but I am learning. I am trying to see if I am enabling him in other ways too but the main thing I do is drive when he is drinking since I am not a big drinker myself and dont miss it. I dont cover for him but maybe I help him cover for himself and lie to himself because I dont tell the truth? Is that enabling?

It's different things to different people.

Driving so he can have a couple of drinks I don't think is.
Putting up with him getting drunk every time you go out with friends, is.
Putting up with him getting drunk at home every night, then putting up with any way he acts, is.

Putting up with a diminished sex life is.
Buying him drink is.
While you are out shopping and he says, "shall I just buy a couple of bottles and I will make them last the next 4 days" is, because you know damn well he will drink them all that night,

Going on holiday with him when you know he will just get drunk, is.

Allowing him to carry on when you have some say, is.

Letting him have 2 glasses of wine, then moaning at him to stop, is. You have to make your feelings known before any drinking starts, in fact if you just let it be known full stop, this is the deal mate. I'm not putting up with your drinking any more, that's it, if you drink now, you're on your own, you buy it, you drink it, you look after yourself while you drink. If you show me you can have a couple of drinks and drink the same as other people who don't have a problem (and oh yes sunshine, you do have a problem, because he will poo poo this), then we can go back to normal.

There's probably a hundred things you do which although you don't realise it, allow him to drink.

bestgeorge

Ninky he is famous for never letting anyone finish a glass before he tops it up and friends do complain joking about being hungover after a night at our house but I dont think any of them see how bad it is although I have noticed my family noticing but not saying anything - thats partly why I posted. Because he works so hard and sometimes crazy hours they accept his story that he just gets tired and it is true he is tired but if he didnt drink so much he wouldnt get so drunk. I have tried to hint to his sister who he loves and is very close to but I think it was a bit too scary for her and she didnt take me up on it and it feels disloyal to say it right out.

Lotus eater a lot to think about there and most of it right unfortunately. I have never thought of us as the kind of couple where one tells the other what to do and this is what I hate more than anything but he is leaving things that I have no choice and I have to see it like this I suppose. I dont want to be a nagging wife. And I dont want to be his mother either.

He doesnt get hungover any more and I have a feeling this is a bad bad sign about how his body deals with alcohol.

Lotus-eater

bestgeorge wrote: »

Lotus eater a lot to think about there and most of it right unfortunately. I have never thought of us as the kind of couple where one tells the other what to do and this is what I hate more than anything but he is leaving things that I have no choice and I have to see it like this I suppose. I dont want to be a nagging wife. And I dont want to be his mother either.

He doesnt get hungover any more and I have a feeling this is a bad bad sign about how his body deals with alcohol.

I think you misunderstand me, I'm not telling you to tell him what to do. I'm telling you one option is to tell him the way it is going to be.
I'm not going on holiday with you, not going out with you, not sitting with you while you get drunk, not being with you while you drink. That's the way it's going to be while you are drinking yourself to death. I'm not going to watch and I'm not going to have anything to do with it.

And then you do it. He will be tricky, he will try to get round you, will get angry, will try anything, may retreat into drink, that's him choosing drink over you.

You can try the carrot approach if you like, we can do......... or I'll do..... if you..........
BUT unless the actual problem is dealt with, I'm afraid this is usually a stop gap at best.



Oh yes and the biggest enabler is helping him hide it from other people.

Silveralice

This rings all the alarm bells for me about alcohol dependent behaviour, and there is no doubt that such a large intake of alcohol on a long term basis will affect your husband's health. However, you cannot change him without his co-operation. If I were in your position I would contact Al-Anon or another such organisation for specialised help and advice. Even if you can't help him, you need support yourself, and I think you need to feel you have done what you can to help him, whatever that may be. Good luck.