Drinking

ninky_2

here is some more info about enabling and also a quiz.

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa052197.htm

Sunshine12

If i were you I would have another chat with him and find out exactly how he feels about drinking and whether he feels he has a problem or not. I wouldnt dictate anything to him without fully understanding exactly how he feels about it now and whether he feels like it would be difficult for him to give up. If he admits to you that it would be difficult then maybe he can start admitting to himself that perhaps there is a problem. If there is an issue he will need your support. Really feel for you as know its not easy.

Lotus-eater

Sunshine12 wrote: »

If i were you I would have another chat with him and find out exactly how he feels about drinking and whether he feels he has a problem or not. I wouldnt dictate anything to him without fully understanding exactly how he feels about it now and whether he feels like it would be difficult for him to give up. If he admits to you that it would be difficult then maybe he can start admitting to himself that perhaps there is a problem. If there is an issue he will need your support. Really feel for you as know its not easy.

Agreed, talk to him first and see what he thinks, if he thinks he has a problem and wants some help, do whatever you can, but start by going to the doctors with him. If he doesn't do that I'm afraid he isn't taking it seriously enough, either from a health POV, or from a problem existing POV.
If he thinks that there isn't a problem (and I'll cut down soon, it's just this *********** that's stopping me atm), then see where to go from there.

bestgeorge

Thanks for the quiz Ninky I scored 50% which is not good - the only thing is that so far he has not let it effect his work so has had no sick days or anything but then he gets a lot of freedom to work how he wants. Apart from that I could tick a lot of them.

Sunshine I think you're right, I need to get hiim to talk about his drinking rather than me telling him. Its going to be hard though he wont want to admit anything.

And lotuseater you are saying all the things I am most scared of because at the end of the day if I'm not with him when he drinks then I'm probably not with him at all because if he is not working hes drinking. But its still a relief to see it all written down thank you

If I am honest I think he knows already and is hiding his head in the sand about it. And I am scared of causing a crisis point where he has to admit that he has a problem because once we admit it then we have to deal with it. When I think about it his drinking is such a bedrock of our lives that it seems almost impossible for him to stop - how crazy is that? The thing is I can hear all his excuses - pressure of work, big football match, it's the weekend, stressful day, something to celebrate, and I have 'agreed' to them for so long that my world view is all twisted by them.

I am going to talk to him over the weekend - I am visiting family at the minute which is why I have time to think about it properly but am going back on Friday night.

I just need to be strong and try to keep the conversation on track rather than let it get sidetracked by excuses. Wish me luck.

ninky_2

good luck! and keep us posted.

kat74

As other posters have said, he won't cut down or stop until he realises and admits he has a problem, and understands the reasons why he drinks ('stress' quite a broad problem - can he identify what causes his stress and try to work on that?)
I have been in a similar situation as you and understand exactly what you mean about not wanting to be a nagging wife, or his mother.
You need some support too as it is hard being the one left trying to fix things. When I was in this situation, I carried a lot of guilt for a long time - feelings that I should have stopped things earlier... I should have noticed the signs....I should have been more supportive of the problems that caused him to drink etc.
I'm not assuming that you feel the same at all, I'm just trying to give an example of the 'secondary' affects of the problem, and to emphasise that you may need some support yourself. Do you have anyone you can talk to about how it affects you?
I hope you find a solution.

jewelly

I agree with a previous poster about getting support from Al-Anon who run meetings for family/friends who are affected by someone's drinking. They will be able to give you support and help you learn how to stop enabling. Good luck.

diable

Read the first post and caught the shaking hands and sex life affected.

Get some help, he's an alcoholic and needs professional help or go to AA

tanith

I've just read the thread and recognise myself there.. I enabled, I excused, I even joined in, I denied it all for 10yrs then one day I stopped drinking forever because I didn't like who we were when we drank.. I became teetotal and he carried on , I eventually saw that the drink had won over me and our children.. that was 20yrs ago and he is still drinking and I happily remarried 15yrs ago...
Good advice from everybody, he has a problem and he is either going to deal with it or carry on your decision rests on wether he admits he has a problem and if he won't wether you want to put yourself through what is to come... I'll keep reading...

moorebobbie

Hi Bestgeorge

I just found your thread as I am enduring life with an increasingly alcoholic partner, and was looking online to share experiences with those similarly afflicted.

My other half has always liked a drink, with white wine her only tipple. We never had spirits in the house. Almost 5 years ago, she crashed the car and was nicked for drink driving on an 80 mile trip home from work that day. She had apparently just had a couple of spirit "sharpeners" after a stressful day at work. The year on a bike was chastening but didn't ultimately stop the habit.

Last year I became aware (from finding vodka half bottles around the house occasionally) that she was imbibing. It was always "I just felt stressed, it won't happen again". I tried taking her (kicking and screaming) to AA - which she left after a week because she "wasn't like them", and got her counselling to help the situation.

In the last couple of months, I have become aware that it is now getting more serious. Maybe it has been this way for some time, perhaps a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Today, it is at least a half bottle of vodka, sometimes a full bottle of vodka a day.

I've had a roller coaster ride, taken advice from AA and friends, and hope the following points which I have learnt are of help:
1) it's not your fault. Whatever your partner says as an excuse or reason why you have apparently driven them to drink, it was their choice as their reaction to circumstances
2) you can't help an alcoholic who doesn't want to be helped. I wasted lots of effort last year, thinking I could change her. I took her to AA, which she left after 3 meetings because "I'm not bad like one of them", and I got her free counselling. Now, I place opportunities to change in front of her - a friend has even given her a cheque to pay for a course - but you can't force the person to take that course of action until they are ready
3) facing them down may make you feel temporarily better, but in my experience only makes them react by drinking more. I have expressed anger, disappointment, pointed out the folly of driving when drunk etc but it makes no difference to my alcoholic partner's behaviour
4) you may end up living with Jekyll and Hyde. I have a perfectly rational partner, when she is sober, who will discuss her problem - though she fails to be able to articulate exactly what triggers the binge. But she's quite happy to nip to the corner shop for vodka the moment I am out of the house, and to sleep it off on the sofa, right in front of me
5) you have to choose whether to wait for them to come to their senses, or leave. When I read on a forum "my partner was an alcoholic for 31 years" I realised it could be a long wait. I have been with my partner for 18 years, and she's only had an evident problem growing over the last 5, but I have realised that hanging around in case she comes to her senses sometime soon could be a long, debilitating wait. I'm fed up with checking up on her receipts to see how much she has drunk, finding half empty bottles in her knicker drawer. So I'm off at the end of March. Thankfully with no kids, it's less of a wrench. I'm 48 with a few years of fun in me - but I'm going to get precious little sharing my life with an alcoholic. It's a sad waste of a life, but I am powerless to help her - and it's time to look after number one.

All the best