Drinking

bestgeorge

It doesn't sound like many people have had a happy ending with this one

But its helping me to give it a name, I keep thinking he drinks too much, hes dependent on alcohol but actually he is a problem drinker at best and at worst hes an alcoholic. Just the word terrifies me, both my parents are also alcoholics one recovering and one never acknowledged and still drinking.

Moorebobby I have sometimes been worried that he is drinking spirits as well, have never found any evidence but at times thought something didnt smell right, though he denied it completely and I havent ever seen him drink spirits. thats how I have been able to deny it for so long since its only wine and he doesnt hide it and doesnt drink first thing in the morning then it isnt alcoholism. And he isnt that much different when drinking than when sober, no big temper tantrums or anything. But when I counted the units per week it shocked me. Good luck with your future. I just cant see a way that he isnt in my future, I made the vows for better and for worse and meant them and I cant go back on them.

I am trying to get the courage to contact alanon but we live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else. He is also pretty well known in the area because of his job and even though I know there are rules about being secret I dont trust them. I dont want to talk about him to strangers. A funny thing to say since i am on here and have said more to all of you than to anyone else.

Tanith I have also gone the way of drinking with him and I dont like it, seems like the more he drinks the less I drink. Im not teetotal but very rarely drink more than one glass of wine. In fact it irritates him a bit that I dont drink more and he is always topping up my glass which I hate. I also seem to spend weekends feeling a bit blah because even the little bit I do drink has a bad affect on me. I sometimes feel like I dont have a choice not to drink.

And Kat yes you have said all the things I have been thinking for so long, glad to know I am not the only one. I am worried that he drinks because I am so hard to live with. My head says that is rediculous but my heart still wonders about it. Maybe sober he couldnt live with me?

Thank you all so much for listening and posting, it is really helping me to think about this.

moorebobbie

Ooh er, sorry to hear you are surrounded by folk with alcohol issues, especially parents.

In an environment where we both drink plenty of wine, it has not been obvious there was a problem. Perhaps I am lucky(?) in that my partner leaves plenty of evidence about, and my sleuthing skills have been spurred on by her denials. Apart from the odd bottle hidden, there are 500ml water bottles which get refilled with vodka, and she buys most stuff on her debit card..... the receipts are a great tracker of her spending. Of course I feel a complete sh*t for checking up on her, but her lies got me going in the first place, now I have a comprehensive record in the face of her denials. And an alcoholic will deny and lie until you actually start questioning your version of the truth.

I also live in a small village, but can't help thinking some of my friends and acquaintances might even know more about my other half's habits than I do, as she frequently buys her hooch from the village shop or other local corner shops. Haven't been personally to an Alanon meeting, but did phone AA for advice.

I didn't do the "for better for worse" thing, but unless you can gather some strong willed friends to help encourage your partner into changing their view of their relationship with alcohol, I think you will be wasting your effort by trying to tackle the issue, rationally, alone. As a guy from AA told me, himself a reformed alcoholic, "they will only make any change when they realise they have to for themselves."

Good luck!

Lotus-eater

bestgeorge wrote: »

It doesn't sound like many people have had a happy ending with this one

It's possible, but I'm not going to beat around the bush, it might never end, or he might be fighting this for the rest of his life.
On the other hand he might just say "that's it!" and stop, until you ask him and give him a chance you won't know.

bestgeorge wrote: »

But its helping me to give it a name, I keep thinking he drinks too much, hes dependent on alcohol but actually he is a problem drinker at best and at worst hes an alcoholic. Just the word terrifies me, both my parents are also alcoholics one recovering and one never acknowledged and still drinking.

I don't think it matters what you call it, alcohol dependency to me is alcoholism.

bestgeorge wrote: »

I havent ever seen him drink spirits. thats how I have been able to deny it for so long since its only wine and he doesnt hide it and doesnt drink first thing in the morning then it isnt alcoholism.

As you say being an alcoholic isn't dependant on drinking in the morning, or hanging around in tatty clothes in doorways, nor on the type of drink.

bestgeorge wrote: »

I just cant see a way that he isnt in my future, I made the vows for better and for worse and meant them and I cant go back on them.

Well that's why many people end up staying with alcoholics till they die.

bestgeorge wrote: »

I am worried that he drinks because I am so hard to live with. My head says that is rediculous but my heart still wonders about it. Maybe sober he couldnt live with me?

Maybe, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him as he is? I'm not judging, my own OH made that decision, it was me that wanted to change me. I drank because the relationship was rubbish (amongst loads of other reasons, including the fact I like it ), not entirely realising it was the drink that made it that way.

bestgeorge

Thank you all again

Have done a lot of thinking and googling overnight and I have decided that I will no longer drink with him nor give him any signals that his drinking is acceptable to me. I know I have colluded with his drinking and agreed that he is drinking because he is stressed/excited/on holiday or whatever when the bottom line is that he is drinking because he wants to drink. The more I am thinking about it the more I realise that life without alcohol will seem impossible to him. When we have talked about this in the past I have colluded and agreed that he couldnt watch a football match or whatever without a drink. I am not going to do that any more. I know its a small step but its one I can see myself taking. Maybe that will push him into being more like your OH moorebobbi but thats his choice not mine right now he doesnt hide anything as far as I know that must be worse again.

I also decided that Im not going to get into persuading him hes an alcoholic.. He has to decide that for himself as he is very stubborn and cant be told anything and has to work things out for himself. If I try to tell him he will rebel. I am going to ask him to go and look at the information for himself. And if he asks why I am worried I am going to mention the shaking hands and other personal stuff that I wont go into here but youll get the gist.

I know it will be tough and he will be angry and upset. And I am really not looking forward to it. but its for the best for both of us. I might not be able to make anything any different but at least I can stop making it worse and that is a start.

Well done lotus eater on finding your way through this and thanks for being so honest with me, it isnt easy to read but I know I need someone right now to tell me the hard things, putting my head in the sand has been a habit and you are pulling it right back out again.

Lotus-eater

I would lay your heart on the line, tell him the truth about everything, how it's hurting you to watch him hurting himself, what it's done to your relationship. How bad you think he is, how he's living in denial (as I'm sure that's going to be the outcome), you are right, once it's out it has to be dealt with, but once it's out, it can start to be dealt with.

bestgeorge

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I would lay your heart on the line, tell him the truth about everything, how it's hurting you to watch him hurting himself, what it's done to your relationship. How bad you think he is, how he's living in denial (as I'm sure that's going to be the outcome), you are right, once it's out it has to be dealt with, but once it's out, it can start to be dealt with.

I have already done that bit more than once when I look back but I have given him space to doubt what I said because I knew it was hard for him to hear and I was still thinking he could or would cut down when the project was over or the football season was over or he wasnt celebrating or we werent on holiday or whatever. Now I know that none of these are what its about its just about drinking. This time I will tell him that I believe he has a problem and that I am scared and upset about it and I wont back down or sugarcoat or tell him how to handle it. And I also need to tell him that I love him and its because of this that I am telling him what others wont or cant.

I think if I point out that it will effect his work that might help he loves what he does and his next step would be into a managerial role. the way he works now he can do a lot of it in his own time and from home but if he makes the next step he will be working with people and it will be obvious if he smells of drink. ive not told him how horrible it is always waking up with the smell of booze in the bedroom or getting into the car beside him when he reeks from last night. Thats the other thing I need to tackle too I have been colluding with his morning after driving because I didnt want to face up to things but thats gone too. its dangerous and stupid and i should never have acted like it was ok. im ashamed of this I know it puts other people at risk too. I have said to him but he always says hell be under the limit but how can he be if he had 2 bottles of wine the night before?

sorry now that ive started this its like ive opened the floodgates.

worried about talking to him too cos he is about to go away for work for a couple of weeks and I dont know how talking to him will effect things but dont think I can put it off. Since this is what Ive been doing for years. Theres always a reason not to do it now! Need to be strong!

esmf73

BestGeorge - Best of luck I'll be thinking of you. You can do this. xx

Flearoy

Just a quick note to say good on you. While it is right to support your partner through illness, this is one of his own making, and as such, it's not up to you to suffer through it. When are you going to do what you want to do?

I've been in your partners shoes as a problem drinker, reformed now (though not complacent) and it's pretty shameful really what I expected my other half to tolerate. Couldn't see it until I got sober though! I'm a moderate drinker now.

100 units qualifies as a !!!!!! load, by the way.

hippychick1

Well done for posting on here and seeing that it is a problem. You sound exactly like me. I colluded with my husbands drinking habits for far too long, and found it incredibly difficult to talk to him about how much his drinking upset me. I don't know why I couldn't explain to him either, he just always had an answer for everything 'Oh everyone drinks' 'Its the weekend' 'Had a bad day at work' ' The footballs on'. He used all these excuses.

Sadly it didn't work out for us, but I am MUCH happier on my own, whilst he still drinks himself into oblivion every night. I had a thread on here about 18 months ago, when I wrote a desperate post just like yours. Hopefully he will listen to you when you tell him how you feel. Good luck!

tanith

I think its amazing how people on MSE support others and somehow help strangers get through the most difficult times of their lives and come out the other side... well done everyone.. and here's hoping you get through to him just what he's putting at risk... I hope you keep us updated and come back for a boost if your resolve is flagging...;)