Drinking

Lotus-eater

bestgeorge wrote: »

I have already done that bit more than once when I look back but I have given him space to doubt what I said because I knew it was hard for him to hear and I was still thinking he could or would cut down when the project was over or the football season was over or he wasnt celebrating or we werent on holiday or whatever. Now I know that none of these are what its about its just about drinking.

Many OH's say the same thing for years and years to the problem partner.

Don't forget that he will mostly really believe that he will cut down after this particular thing that is happening, to him it really can happen. It almost never does, but alcoholics still carry on believing it.

bestgeorge wrote: »

ive not told him how horrible it is always waking up with the smell of booze in the bedroom or getting into the car beside him when he reeks from last night. Thats the other thing I need to tackle too I have been colluding with his morning after driving because I didnt want to face up to things but thats gone too. its dangerous and stupid and i should never have acted like it was ok. im ashamed of this I know it puts other people at risk too. I have said to him but he always says hell be under the limit but how can he be if he had 2 bottles of wine the night before?

He won't be, is the easy answer.

It will also have been noticed either in the office, or with clients, whatever. Just remember that what has gone on in the past can't be changed, next week can.

But tbh, you can't stop him drinking and then driving in the morning, he has to do it (stop the drinking on work nights). No point standing over him like a naughty little boy and watching him all the time, I'm afraid that way almost never works. I'm sure someone will come up with some way they've tried like this.

Good luck with it.

frostyspice

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I would lay your heart on the line, tell him the truth about everything, how it's hurting you to watch him hurting himself, what it's done to your relationship. How bad you think he is, how he's living in denial (as I'm sure that's going to be the outcome), you are right, once it's out it has to be dealt with, but once it's out, it can start to be dealt with.

This particular strategy won't work - sorry. Ask any addict.

OP- See if you can go to an 'open' AA meeting (that is, one which is not for alcoholics only) and get their advice.

Or better still, go to Al-Anon. Look on the web for a meeting near you, or phone them up. You may not like the things you hear at first, because you will be in a measure of denial yourself, and it is hard to hear people telling you to back off the alcoholic and let him deal with all the consequences of his addiction himself.

My OH is an alcoholic, and so was my Dad, and Al-Anon has been the best thing I've ever done for me and my children (and very possibly my OH as well). Al-Anon may seem a little weird at first if you are not familiar with 12-step programs, but stick with it. Don't worry about your anonymity either - it is a very big thing in AA and Al-Anon.

Good thread - it's good (in a sad sort of way) to see there are others out there willing to talk about this problem, which is much more common than most people realise.

Lotus-eater

frostyspice wrote: »

This particular strategy won't work - sorry. Ask any addict.

I am an alcoholic, I don't have to ask one.

And with the greatest respect for what you've gone through, you don't know what will and won't work in this case.

Also, it's not about it working, it's about getting everything out into the open and telling her OH exactly what the situation is, what she feels and how it is affecting her.
Whatever he's done, he deserves the truth and to be given a chance to sort himself out before she does whatever she has to, which will change their lives forever.

frostyspice

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I am an alcoholic, I don't have to ask one.

And with the greatest respect for what you've gone through, you don't know what will and won't work in this case.

Also, it's not about it working, it's about getting everything out into the open and telling her OH exactly what the situation is, what she feels and how it is affecting her.
Whatever he's done, he deserves the truth and to be given a chance to sort himself out before she does whatever she has to, which will change their lives forever.

You're right; sorry. I can't know what will or won't work in this case. I only know that for me, telling the alcoholics how I felt made no difference. But I completely take on board that the OP's OH deserves the truth from her.

frostyspice

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I am an alcoholic.

I have pm'd you; I hope you don't mind.

ailuro2

bestgeorge wrote: »

If I ask him to stop altogether and he doesn’t where does that leave us? Will he start drinking sneakily?

How do you know he isn't doing that already?? Why have his hangovers stopped? What has changed to stop them?

One bottle of wine is about six units, it takes an hour for every unit to clear through the average body. If he is still adding alcohol at 11 at night then driving at 8 the next morning, is he really fit to drive?

I used to live with someone many years ago who didn't think he was an alcoholic because he got up and went to work every day, he only got drunk at the weekends, but counting it up he drank most nights unless I managed to nag him into not going out, and most weekends I would be out drinking with him.

I grew up and realised he was an alcoholic, just because he wasn't rolling around in the gutter in wee soaked trousers doesn't mean he wasn't an alcoholic. He refused to believe it, and in the end I left.

I met my wonderful husband a few years later and it's the best thing I ever did. Sadly, the other guy has been in and out of treatment over the years, but still hasn't kicked the habit - I saw him a few years ago walking down the street, he had the walk of someone with substance abuse - sometimes you can just tell by that gait. It was very sad to see he had indeed ended up like that. Howver, I'm very glad I didn't stick around to see it close up.

You need to prepare yourself to make that decision. You can stop enabling him but you can't make him choose you over 'a few harmless drinks'

Best wishes, now you've realised it's a problem then progress will be made, maybe not for your DH, but maybe for yourself and any kids of you have them.:)

Michelin

moorebobbie wrote: »

Hi Bestgeorge

I just found your thread as I am enduring life with an increasingly alcoholic partner, and was looking online to share experiences with those similarly afflicted.

My other half has always liked a drink, with white wine her only tipple. We never had spirits in the house. Almost 5 years ago, she crashed the car and was nicked for drink driving on an 80 mile trip home from work that day. She had apparently just had a couple of spirit "sharpeners" after a stressful day at work. The year on a bike was chastening but didn't ultimately stop the habit.

Last year I became aware (from finding vodka half bottles around the house occasionally) that she was imbibing. It was always "I just felt stressed, it won't happen again". I tried taking her (kicking and screaming) to AA - which she left after a week because she "wasn't like them", and got her counselling to help the situation.

In the last couple of months, I have become aware that it is now getting more serious. Maybe it has been this way for some time, perhaps a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Today, it is at least a half bottle of vodka, sometimes a full bottle of vodka a day.

I've had a roller coaster ride, taken advice from AA and friends, and hope the following points which I have learnt are of help:
1) it's not your fault. Whatever your partner says as an excuse or reason why you have apparently driven them to drink, it was their choice as their reaction to circumstances
2) you can't help an alcoholic who doesn't want to be helped. I wasted lots of effort last year, thinking I could change her. I took her to AA, which she left after 3 meetings because "I'm not bad like one of them", and I got her free counselling. Now, I place opportunities to change in front of her - a friend has even given her a cheque to pay for a course - but you can't force the person to take that course of action until they are ready
3) facing them down may make you feel temporarily better, but in my experience only makes them react by drinking more. I have expressed anger, disappointment, pointed out the folly of driving when drunk etc but it makes no difference to my alcoholic partner's behaviour
4) you may end up living with Jekyll and Hyde. I have a perfectly rational partner, when she is sober, who will discuss her problem - though she fails to be able to articulate exactly what triggers the binge. But she's quite happy to nip to the corner shop for vodka the moment I am out of the house, and to sleep it off on the sofa, right in front of me
5) you have to choose whether to wait for them to come to their senses, or leave. When I read on a forum "my partner was an alcoholic for 31 years" I realised it could be a long wait. I have been with my partner for 18 years, and she's only had an evident problem growing over the last 5, but I have realised that hanging around in case she comes to her senses sometime soon could be a long, debilitating wait. I'm fed up with checking up on her receipts to see how much she has drunk, finding half empty bottles in her knicker drawer. So I'm off at the end of March. Thankfully with no kids, it's less of a wrench. I'm 48 with a few years of fun in me - but I'm going to get precious little sharing my life with an alcoholic. It's a sad waste of a life, but I am powerless to help her - and it's time to look after number one.

All the best

This made me so sad to read this - sad for both of you. You seem to have done all that you can to help her - what a shame she can't see this. It's strange that this really only started 5 years ago - has she been able to say what triggered it?

Does she know you are leaving?

I hope it all turns out well for you and that you do get the life you want. You certainly seem to have tried to do all that you can. Good luck.

Primrose

I think you have to do some critical thinking about your own situation here because I suspect that whatever happens, your OH is probably far too deeply steeped in his drinking habits to change. Ask yourself: Do I want to continue living in this environment where the person I have been living with all these years is eventually going to drink himself to death. If the answer is NO, then you have two options. You either sit down with him and say "We need to talk because I have a serious issue with the amount you are drinking and unless you can change your ways, one of us is going to have to move out because the way you are carrying on at the moment is destroying our relationship" or you take the coward's way out and simply live with it and continue to do nothing.
And I think you should tell him that you don't want to go on holiday with him because it will simply end up being one long drinking binge and you're no longer prepared to condone that behaviour.

It's easy for him to blame long job hours or tiredness. These are simply excuses. He could come home and drink and cup of tea rather than a bottle of wine. You have obviously been procrastinating over this for a long time hoping the problem will resolve itself. I have experience of watching somebody fall into alcoholism, and believe me, it never resolves itself. It normally just goes from bad to worse, and without intervention and serious personal resolve, everything including, relationship, jobs, financial solvency and health all gradually disintegrate.
So, however hard it is for you, decide what your own non-negotiable situation is going to be here, then sit down and talk. You will get denial, excuses, reasons and probably downright hostility because he probably won't want to accept that his drinking has become a serious issue so decide what support you will offer to help him - it will be very hard for him to do this alone, but it is ultimately his responsibility to deal with the problem.
Don't allow yourself to be deflected. His drinking has obviously now become too serious an issue to ignore so it's time to pluck up your courage and force him to tackle it.

bestgeorge

Well we had the talk yesterday morning. I explained how worried I was and that I could see the health affects and everything and said that I would not drink with him or buy him drink because I was so worried. He agreed he had been drinking too much lately and that he needed to cut down but did not admit how serious the situation was. That was what I was expecting he is very stubborn and does not like being told anything. But usually if I say something to him he goes off and thinks about it in his own time. Me not drinking keeps bringing it up again as an issue in his mind and I think is being really useful as a way of reminding him without me having to say anything. I could tell he thought he could talk me round about not drinking but I have made it very obvious that I will not give in. He has really cut back alot on his drinking over the weekend but I know that this is only a very small start. I think I have given him a scare. I am going to let it settle a bit - I know him well enough to not push hard in the meantime.

Primrose thanks for your comments too. At the moment the answer is still yes, I do still want to live with him. And this means that I will have to take the rough with the smooth, I know what I am choosing I have my own money and my own life but dont want to be without him. I am not going to just accept things any more, if/when he gets drunk again I am not going to collude with him pretending any more, Im going to say it straight out. This is a new way of doing it for me. I know what youre saying about cowardice but I can only go at my own pace and Im not ready to follow through with what you are saying. and I dont want to make empty threats, its the one thing I have done right so far is that I havent said I will do something unless Im able to follow through. And maybe it will come to that in the end but I know I couldnt do it now.

We have a big change coming up soon and I think it will be a chance to set up some new routines. Yes I know how it sounds, I can hear it myself and I know if I was one of you I'd be saying dont expect anything. Maybe hope springing eternal. I will let you all know how it goes and thank you so much I would not have said anything at all if not for your support. I need to go through this at my own pace and I freely admit I dont know where it will end up but Im not ready to give up or to give any ultimatum yet. But Im not ruling it out. My first choice is to see if he does it for himself. Hold a kind thought for us.

bestgeorge

PS ailuro he hardly ever drives really definitely not for work and only at weekends so the drinking driving thing is an issue but not a really big one in that way, usually it is us in the car together doing something and I should step up and drive but havent. But it isnt that leaving the house at 8 am thing

Lotuseater you got it exactly right when you said I have to give him a chance to do it for himself