I don't know if I can do this anymore

JP1901

You are in a partnership and you deserve the support of him, he needs to help more and you need to protect yourself & the kids from any potential fall out. Is the bank account in joint names? if it is can you change it to just be in your name? He should be also contributing soething to the household income, no matter how small, and he should have time to do some of the housework to help you out. Have you looked into tax credits etc to help you out while he is not earning? He does need to go and get himself a part time job though so he can pay for some things, it sounds like you will have to get seriously tough to make him listen to you because reading through your posts he sounds like a teenager to be honest....I can only wish you luck for the future & advise you speak to the bank or a financial person who can advise you what the best things you can do to minimise any damage.

Oh and as someone else said - stop paying his bills for him, they are his bills, he needs to pay them!

floss2

JP1901 wrote: »

..... Have you looked into tax credits etc to help you out while he is not earning? ....

The OP is already receiving tax credits, but her OH has "acquired" them from her bank account without her permission.

beasygirl

Hi thanks again for the replies, I'm overwhelmed that people have commented and are offering advice on my situation.

Again, things are no better. There are no arguments but that is only because there is no conversation.

Having read a few other threads on here recently seems I'm not the only one having doubts about my marriage, not nice but comforting in an odd sort of way. You always feel so alone in situations like this.

Emsywoo123 - I appreciate your comments about running a business, with myself and DH there was no discussion about setting up a business he just told me after quitting his last job that this is what he wanted to do and to deal with it, it terrifies me as he is so unorganised, at the moment is not keeping any records and I don't think he has one spreadsheet relating to the business. Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

I asked for some money this morning, as he had cleared out my bank account to get my mum some flowers for mothers day, he huffed that I was asking for more money again which could of started to an argument but I just don't have the energy to fight anymore.

I want to make him realise that I am not happy, I'm tempted to go and stay with my mum this weekend but feel why should I go? He has no family and no 'real' friends only online ones and these are mainly in the States. Plus why should I leave my girls...and the house I pay for. It is such a mess

I really have give up caring about him, about his business and everything that goes with him, but it makes me so so sad to think about the prospects of splitting my family unit up - as I said he is a good dad and my girls adore him.

I'm sorry to go on, it does help to vent on here as I have no one else to really talk to.

julliff

beasygirl

Well, on the plus side, your OH is a good Dad. That is a start.

Can you not explain to him that part of being a good Dad is to provide security and stability for his girls?

I am being very careful here, because I have been through a difficult time with my X, who would not take ANY responsibility, and was also a controlling bully. I don't want to project my problems onto your marriage, as your circumstances may not be the same.

However, if like me, you feel like you are drowning, and that you have tried everything, then you may have to face up to the fact that your marriage is a one way street, and will not change. Only you will know.

I felt like I was nobody, just there to make sure OHs life was smooth, and even then, to be made to feel inadaquate.

the thought of splitting my family up was horrendous to me, but my X was making things untenable for us all.

Please keep posting, you will find terrific support here.

Thinking of you.

Proc

Your husband is living a dream.

No business that gets its business from internet forums is ever going to be a success. Who purchases services from people advertised on a public internet forum? Kids & people on a tight budget. Kids won't need his services, and people on a tight budget won't be setting up websites.

He needs a reality check.

You need to say to him one day "Look love, we're struggling a little bit, and I want to do as much as I can to support you, can we have a sit down tomorow night with a bottle of wine and have a look through everything?"

Sit down with him. Stay calm. But most importantly, pay interest in his business. It's obviously something that he feels strongly about, and if you make it clear you don't take it seriously he's going to feel bitter and resented. Tell him you know nothing about computers and ask what he does. But then you can go into more difficult questions such as "so how much do you charge for XY&Z?" and "how many clients have you had so far?". Ask what he needs to make it work. My guess is that he already knows that he's got a failing business, but he's in denial. At least this way he will be spelling everything out to himself.

After this, you can start to look through the household cashflow. Show him the bills, how much you pay, how much he pays etc etc. But more importantly, tell him what will happen if you can't pay the bills? How long is it until you're f*cked?

You then need to give him a deadline. "Look, honey, if we don't pay these bills we're going to lose the house/starve to death/get blacklisted so the kids and I really need an extra £100/week by this date". Then the most important bit, "But honey, what are we going to do if your business isn't turning any profit by this date?". By this point, you need to be discussing the possibilites of looking for a proper job.

But for f*ck sake. I can understand that it's stressful. But, you married this guy. He goes through a rough patch in life and doesn't make any money so you leave him? Sure, he's spoke to you like sh*t a couple of times but the guys ego is taking a massive bashing. He probably feels embarassed, ashamed, lonely, and like a failure because unlike most men, he can't provide for the family. Stand by him like you promised you would the day you made those vows.

Boozer

Obviously you do not want to leave the girls, but perhaps a few days away will make him realize everything you do, if he has to cook and clean the house he may not take it for granted anymore.

I say that hopefully, but sadly i reckon he would just wing it and live in a mess.

Good luck with it.

zzzLazyDaisy

beasygirl wrote: »

I want to make him realise that I am not happy, I'm tempted to go and stay with my mum this weekend but feel why should I go?.... Plus why should I leave my girls...and the house I pay for. It is such a mess.

If you are really thinking of leaving, please go and see a solicitor, or the cab, and find out what your rights and responsibilities would be.

To start with, if you leave your girls with him, you will have to pay maintenance for the children (go on the CSA website, but I think it is 25% of salary for two children). He is not working so will no doubt claim income support as the PWC (parent with care). He will probabl;y also get an order allowing him to stay in the house as he needs to be able to provide a roof over the children's heads, but he will be unable to buy you out so your name will remain on the mortgage which will probably mean that you will be unable to get another mortgage and move on with your life. These are all factors that any absent parent must face up to - usually it is the man, but if it is the woman the issues are still the same.

If you decide to stay in the house with your children, and he refused to leave, you would have a very uncomfortable time until the situation was resolved and eventually you may have to go to court to get him out and/or get a financial settlement allowing you both to move on.

If that all seems like too much, is there any way you could move in with your mum or a friend, with your girls, until things are sorted. If you have a mortgage, you would still have to carry on paying it though, because if the payments lapsed the lender would come after you since you are earning and he isn't - and your credit rating would be trashed.

It is a mess, and it must seem that there is no way through it at the moment - but you need to stop and take stock and work out what you want to do. Then take small steps towards achieving that goal, whether is is to make your marriage work, stay in it and just make a life for yourself and your girls regardless, or end the marriage.

Good luck

snowmaid

So, while he tries to follow his 'dream', you are earning the money and being the maid?

Sorry, but that is the way I see it. He already lost one business. We all have dreams, but does he have a clear plan? When will he decide that it won't work? How long will it be a 'new business' for?

You are supporting the family. I am all for someone trying a new venture, however, if he is at home, I take it the children are at school during the day. He should down tools when you get home if he has been 'working' the whole day, as you have, and help you with the housework and settling down for the evening.

If not, I would seriously ask myself what he is actually bringing to the relationship....

snowmaid

Proc wrote: »

Your husband is living a dream.

He probably feels embarassed, ashamed, lonely, and like a failure because unlike most men, he can't provide for the family. Stand by him like you promised you would the day you made those vows.

If he feels as you suggest above, why hasn't he got an evening /weekend part time job to bring in money until his 'business' takes off? That way he can hold his head up high to know he is at least making an effort to try contribute towards the household.

He took vows too.

moggylover

I personally think this is a little boy who needs to be kicked out and given the short, sharp shock of reality: oh, and make him take the debts he racked up through his irresponsiblity in the driving school fiasco with him:D

That's the reality! As long as you are supporting him, and he is able to steal food from the kids mouths he will and I do not believe (having lived with one) that people as irresponsible and self-centered as this are capable of changing within the relationship. I also think that most of them only see a relationship in terms of what it can give them and not what they need to put in.

I'm sure I'll get told I am harsh: but I have been there and have been used and fed from and expected to take all the responsibilities and (although mine was much better about household chores) decided that I wanted a partner from life not another (very large and costly) child:o

He may be a "good dad" but he is a lousy "father" and hopeless "partner" as far as I can see and I think you need to kick him out of the house YOU provide and have a while on your own.

There will be help out there with childcare and so forth, but I suspect you will find the savings you make in not paying HIS debts off, and not having to keep subsidising him will minimise the hit of any financial outlay considerably more than you think when you get there:D

As to sadness at the end of the marriage: I don't think it IS a marriage, I think you are parenting him not married to him and the sadness is at the loss of the "dream" you had of what marriage would be. I was there myself, the bl00dy smoke gets right in your eye when a lovely dream dies, but once the smoke clears life improves no end.;)

Good luck Op! You deserve SO much more and you need to focus on that and move on.