I don't know if I can do this anymore

floss2

beasygirl wrote: »

..... I suggested he take a part time job until his hobby turns to a profitable business and he hit the roof. Said he felt insulted that I called it a hobby and it was making money we were just spending it....

OK, then separate your bank accounts, stop paying his bills and ask him to show you where that money is going.

nolongerindenial

Firstly, as a web developer I am in the same game as he is. It is a fiercely competitive market with many people (like myself) working from the spare bedroom at home.

I am extremely passionate about my work, and am very lucky to have a few repeat clients who pay me way more than £400 a month, to the point that I am currently the main breadwinner in the house. I have the lucky situation that I have an understanding wife who fully supports me in this venture and a young baby who makes me soo happy.

I am going to stick my neck on the line here, if as a web designer he can not make £100 a week on average (Clients like to delay paying) then he clearly is no good at what he does, and no amount of forum posting is going to help things out.

And as for taking the WTC, the costs for running a web development company is miniscuele compared to most business's, with the expensive parts being the software licenses.

Requirements:
Computer of any specification (can upgrade when you make money to improve efficiency)
FTP Program (A perfectly adequate program is free)
Testing Server (A perfectly adequate suite is available free for windows, can run on the same computer as the development programs)
Development Suite (A Perfectly adequate program is free with windows, makes the job a little harder but will still provide a workable solution)
Internet Connection
Electricity
Domain Registration (About £5.90+vat for a .co.uk domain)
Purchasing graphics
Web Hosting (We sell hosting starting from 22.50 a year - for UK servers - american (overcrowded) servers cost about half that)

I fail to see why he needs to take any money to supplement his 'business', all graphics should be taken from deposits from clients, or if he is still building the first site shouldnt cost more than £10 if he budgets correctly, therefore (and this is based solely upon equipment prices i can find in 2 mins) his startup costs should be less than the following - ASSUMING you had nothing to begin with

Computer: £300 for a laptop (maybe +delivery I dont have time to check)
Website hosting: £22.50
Domain Registration: 6.93
Graphics: £10 for his website
Electricity: We are running at £8.49 Month to date for two computers, two monitors and printers etc), but this would be hard to attribute unless you buy a meter and will come out of the bill anyway
Internet: We are on a top wack £20 a month package

Therefore, I predict month1 costs maximum to setup would be: £367.92 and dropping to £20 a month thereafter. We used forums to gain our original projects and more than recovered our startup costs in week one!

I just wanted to add some basic figures to the equation, and this is based upon him actually knowing what he is doing as a web developer and not having to pay 1000's in license fees.

mistrihelen

Definitely speak to a solicitor. If you want primary custody it may be better for you to stay in the house and ask/hope your husband will leave. That's if he doesn't wake up before then.

He might not like you calling his work a hobby, but until it can at least bring in that £400 you were talking about, it pretty much is. You could try calling it part-time work (or his 'first' job) until then, if it'd make him happier, but the reality - same as earlier - is that he's really going to have to get some sort of second job to help the family, otherwise it's all on you which really isn't any sort of partnership or example to the kids. You shouldn't have to be hardworking 'bad cop' while he gets to do what he wants.

((hugs))

beasygirl

Thank you for the responses, I don't expect anyone to give me the answers I need, so am very grateful to everyone that has replied. It is making me feel better knowing I can vent on here as I said earlier no one really knows what is happening.

I decided whilst I was on lunch that I could not wait until this evening and decided to tell DH that I was not happy and that I was thinking of leaving and going to my mums for a bit. DH said nothing, I asked him if he had anything to say he replied 'what is there to say'. After he had dropped me off I texted him saying the fact he said nothing showed me how he cared, and to think of the situation from my point of view and would he want to stay if he was in my shoes. Again I have had no response from him.:(

The thing that upsets me the most is not the thought of being on my own but the fact that I will be apart from my girls. I really don't think I love him anymore as I don't get upset about being apart from him, only my girls.

I havent asked my mum if I can stay with her, if I'm honest I hoped me telling DH that I was thinking about going would have given him the kick up the bum he needed - its obvious to me know that this isn't the case so I will have to check whether my mum will have me.

It is will be our 2nd wedding anniversary next month, I reallly really thought it would be forever, and never understood how people could get to this point after the commitment of marriage. Boy! Do I understand that now, I feel like I have failed but I can't make it work on my own anymore.

beasygirl

floss2 wrote: »

OK, then separate your bank accounts, stop paying his bills and ask him to show you where that money is going.

This has now been done, I have changed my log in details and my pin numbers, and for the first time in weeks I have money in MY bank account.

beasygirl

nolongerindenial wrote: »

Firstly, as a web developer I am in the same game as he is. It is a fiercely competitive market with many people (like myself) working from the spare bedroom at home.

I am extremely passionate about my work, and am very lucky to have a few repeat clients who pay me way more than £400 a month, to the point that I am currently the main breadwinner in the house. I have the lucky situation that I have an understanding wife who fully supports me in this venture and a young baby who makes me soo happy.

I am going to stick my neck on the line here, if as a web designer he can not make £100 a week on average (Clients like to delay paying) then he clearly is no good at what he does, and no amount of forum posting is going to help things out.

And as for taking the WTC, the costs for running a web development company is miniscuele compared to most business's, with the expensive parts being the software licenses.

Requirements:
Computer of any specification (can upgrade when you make money to improve efficiency)
FTP Program (A perfectly adequate program is free)
Testing Server (A perfectly adequate suite is available free for windows, can run on the same computer as the development programs)
Development Suite (A Perfectly adequate program is free with windows, makes the job a little harder but will still provide a workable solution)
Internet Connection
Electricity
Domain Registration (About £5.90+vat for a .co.uk domain)
Purchasing graphics
Web Hosting (We sell hosting starting from 22.50 a year - for UK servers - american (overcrowded) servers cost about half that)

I fail to see why he needs to take any money to supplement his 'business', all graphics should be taken from deposits from clients, or if he is still building the first site shouldnt cost more than £10 if he budgets correctly, therefore (and this is based solely upon equipment prices i can find in 2 mins) his startup costs should be less than the following - ASSUMING you had nothing to begin with

Computer: £300 for a laptop (maybe +delivery I dont have time to check)
Website hosting: £22.50
Domain Registration: 6.93
Graphics: £10 for his website
Electricity: We are running at £8.49 Month to date for two computers, two monitors and printers etc), but this would be hard to attribute unless you buy a meter and will come out of the bill anyway
Internet: We are on a top wack £20 a month package

Therefore, I predict month1 costs maximum to setup would be: £367.92 and dropping to £20 a month thereafter. We used forums to gain our original projects and more than recovered our startup costs in week one!

I just wanted to add some basic figures to the equation, and this is based upon him actually knowing what he is doing as a web developer and not having to pay 1000's in license fees.

Thank you for the taking the time to share all of this information, I know for a fact he has spent well over £100 on hosting as that came out of my paypal account.

I'm fed up worrying about his business for him, I don't think he will ever learn unless he has to pick up the pieces on his own, I refuse to let me or any member of my family bail him out again - he needs to learn and start being responsible.

beasygirl

mistrihelen wrote: »

Definitely speak to a solicitor. If you want primary custody it may be better for you to stay in the house and ask/hope your husband will leave. That's if he doesn't wake up before then.

He might not like you calling his work a hobby, but until it can at least bring in that £400 you were talking about, it pretty much is. You could try calling it part-time work (or his 'first' job) until then, if it'd make him happier, but the reality - same as earlier - is that he's really going to have to get some sort of second job to help the family, otherwise it's all on you which really isn't any sort of partnership or example to the kids. You shouldn't have to be hardworking 'bad cop' while he gets to do what he wants.

((hugs))

I know he won't leave, for starters he has nowhere to go and no friends to help him, I have a great family and I know my mum and dad would do anything for me and so does he. But ideally I would make him leave and I would stay in the house (that I pay for) with my girls. - This is the thing that upsets me the most. I feel damned that I would have to move out, but I know he would refuse to go and I would rather the girls remained settled throughout all of this, I really don't know how that will work out but I don't know what else I can do.

neneromanova

At easter don't leave. Make him leave! You will be the one looking after the girls after all I'm guessing. Get him to stay with one of his friends.

Also change your paypal account details aswell

I've been thinking this since you said he spends 24/7 on the computer and now it's come more to light when you said he said what is there to say. Is there any chance he is talking to other women and "seeing" other women?

floss2

beasygirl wrote: »

I know he won't leave, for starters he has nowhere to go and no friends to help him, I have a great family and I know my mum and dad would do anything for me and so does he. But ideally I would make him leave and I would stay in the house (that I pay for) with my girls....

I think you should give him an ultimatum - he either puts into the household pot or packs his bags, after all, he is not contributing financially to the household, and you are supporting him by paying his debts.

I also think you need to take yourself & the girls to your parents to stay for the weekend and have a good "cards on the table" talk with them. Have you spoken to a solicitor yet regarding custody, the house & maintenance?

beasygirl

neneromanova wrote: »

I've been thinking this since you said he spends 24/7 on the computer and now it's come more to light when you said he said what is there to say. Is there any chance he is talking to other women and "seeing" other women?

I know he hasn't met another woman he chats to guys he plays online poker with, it would not bother me if he had met someone else she would soon learn!!!