I don't know if I can do this anymore

mistrihelen

beasygirl wrote: »

He doesn't play with real money, its all in $'s so I know it isn't real, this is why his online buddies are all from US and he is up half the night talking with them.

If he was gambling as well as being the way he is we would have been over a long long time ago.

I hate to say this, but there's nothing to stop him gambling real money away in US dollars. I used to buy stuff off eBay and online shops in dollars all the time. Might just be worth a check.

Hope you find out what's going through his head soon.

beasygirl

katglasgow wrote: »

If it was me, I would take the kids with me to my M+D for easter. It would be good to make it clear from the beginning that you can be their main carer (you are paying for them remember). Have you looked at alternatives for childcare to fit arround your work? Are your M+D too far away to help (even if it is just an iterim). If you dont "need" him to do this, you have a strong position to argue that you can provide better for the kids, and then obviously he can good good contact with them etc.. but you are not relying on him to do the childcare while you are working.
If you can, I would also try to let the housework go a little and just spend a bit more time enjoying the kids if you can.
Take care xxx
I take it your paypal account is now in your name too?

I have very supportive parents (too supportive in some sense as they have bailed us out of bad situations one time too many) and I know they would help with childcare, I am very lucky as they simply adore the girls and would do anything for them. And as I said earier my parents have said it is ok for me to stay if needs be, I know they would love to have the girls so that would never be an issue.

Oh and all my account details from ebay, to my bank have been changed. I've already cut ties with him and I think he knows I'm serious.

chesky369

You MUST be more proactive on the girls' issue - do not even consider being without them. Take them to your parents over Easter - it's not disruption, it's a holiday.

I think you're being slightly over-optimistic in the hope of your OH caring enough to repair your relationship. I have a suspicion you may be beyond that but that you're not admitting it, because the possibility of being on your own with the children is a bit scary - i.e. who will look after them, etc. etc. It IS scary, but many on these boards have coped and triumphed over bad situations.

GSXRCarlos

hi, not to upset you anymore, but it's a very real possibility he's gambling with real money

i started out on free poker tables, but soon decided i'd like to play for real money - and it was all in dollars as it was an american based site

he can link it to paypal, or a bank account and just top up when he likes.

if i were you i'd check through any statements from the last couple of months and make sure you know what all the outgoing payments are

any ideas which gambling site he's on?

Dinah93

I hate to say it as I know this is a very difficult time for you, but you need to stop being so passive. Walking out on your girls IS a big disruption for them, just as much as taking them with you, how do you think they'll feel knowing you wanted to be away from him more than being with them. You need to fight for your children, if you want primary custody you can't think of leaving them, you need to be there to be their rock through all of this.

You say the property is being rented from a friend of the family - is it in both names or just yours? If it is in just yours the situation is a lot easier, get legal advice and give him 30 days notice to vacate. If just yours is the tenancy up soon or is there a break clause? Speak to the family friend, agree to resign in just your name, since you are paying the rent and all the bills they would rather keep you there than a deadweight who has no way to pay the rent when it is due. You can make this work to your advantage.

Best wishes to you x

julliff

Hi beasyfgirl

It is quite scary reading your posts, because I have written exactly the same things.

I was terrified that I would end up in a bedsit financially supporting OH & my girls from afar. The reality is far from that. I am still in the family home (I have a huge mortgage, but hey-ho), and my girls are quite settled here with me.

It was a long and difficult road, as it was about 9 months of living "seperately" in the same house, barely speaking, before OH finally left. It was a case of him leaving, because he refused to look for work, or indeed claim JSA, so he could not afford to buy me out. I know your circumstances are different, but, like other posters have said, I would not recommend leaving without the girls, as you will become the Non-resident parent, and could will work against you.

I panicked often (and still do), but with the help of all the good folks here, and my lovely Mum, I came through it, and I did not lose everything. It may seem hopeless now, but keep going, you will find a way, whatever you choose.

My signature says it all - "this too shall pass".

Your OH sounds like he has the same outlook as mine - it was never about me, just about him. Hope I'm wrong.

Arthurian

OP, I see your posts are made during work hours. If OH lets you use the computer at home, I think you should check his internet history next time he's out, to see which sites he uses, and if possible his username. This might help you in the future prove that your computer, with your IP address, was being used for gambling by him, while you were at work, and so any debts were not run up by you. Maybe you should change your credit and debit cards, too.

Perhaps someone here can tell you if there's a way to hide or delete the history you would make by visiting those sites while he's out.

JoJoB

Do not leave without your children, no matter how "reasonable" he appears.

A good friend of mine did this - she said she was leaving and her OH said he would have the children while she looked for a suitable place for them to live. Then as soon as she was gone he rang social services and said she had abandoned them. She then faced a horrific year of trying to regain custody and having supervised visits every day. She was bullied and intimidated at every turn by her OH but luckily SS saw through him eventually ( when he punched her in the face in the street and got caught on cctv).

Re the Poker - of course he will say he is not playing with real money and talking to other men. Where online addiction is concerned (and i think it is heading that way if he is on it till the early hours) then an online flirtation or gambling habit is almost certainly a factor here. It wouldn't be suprising if your relationship has hit a very rocky patch - an online flirtation is a way of escaping from reality and giving yourself an ego boost, a pretend relationship where you have all the nice stuff with none of the boring mundane everyday difficulties.

old_motters

JoJoB wrote: »

Re the Poker - of course he will say he is not playing with real money and talking to other men. Where online addiction is concerned (and i think it is heading that way if he is on it till the early hours) then an online flirtation or gambling habit is almost certainly a factor here. It wouldn't be suprising if your relationship has hit a very rocky patch - an online flirtation is a way of escaping from reality and giving yourself an ego boost, a pretend relationship where you have all the nice stuff with none of the boring mundane everyday difficulties.

Exactly. Some people even see playing online poker as a 'job'. Easy money has always been more appealing than getting a real job with real work to do.

lizzielondon

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

if its your name on the lease, then you can make him leave. How do you think he will survive if you move out?

Its not your resposnsibility to support him. He can rent a romom for about £50 a week depending where you are

although this seems fair i believe there is a clause in the housing act which says you cannot refuse access to a property (if rented) to a spouse who has previously lived there on the same tenancy agreement, even if their name is not on the lease- i think i read of it being used a while back but don't think it's something CAB or your lettings agency may be overly familiar with? again someone please correct me if i'm wrong

i am not 100% so if you were to go down this route please check on the landlordzone website to check, just wanted to give you a heads up in case

good luck x