I don't know if I can do this anymore

neneromanova

How are things today? Have to changed your bank details yet?

Blackpool_Saver

I haven't read all but I read enough, you need to get away from this 'man' before he drags you down any further............

old_motters

moggylover wrote: »

I personally think this is a little boy who needs to be kicked out and given the short, sharp shock of reality: oh, and make him take the debts he racked up through his irresponsiblity in the driving school fiasco with him:D

That's the reality! As long as you are supporting him, and he is able to steal food from the kids mouths he will and I do not believe (having lived with one) that people as irresponsible and self-centered as this are capable of changing within the relationship. I also think that most of them only see a relationship in terms of what it can give them and not what they need to put in.

I'm sure I'll get told I am harsh: but I have been there and have been used and fed from and expected to take all the responsibilities and (although mine was much better about household chores) decided that I wanted a partner from life not another (very large and costly) child:o

He may be a "good dad" but he is a lousy "father" and hopeless "partner" as far as I can see and I think you need to kick him out of the house YOU provide and have a while on your own.

There will be help out there with childcare and so forth, but I suspect you will find the savings you make in not paying HIS debts off, and not having to keep subsidising him will minimise the hit of any financial outlay considerably more than you think when you get there:D

As to sadness at the end of the marriage: I don't think it IS a marriage, I think you are parenting him not married to him and the sadness is at the loss of the "dream" you had of what marriage would be. I was there myself, the bl00dy smoke gets right in your eye when a lovely dream dies, but once the smoke clears life improves no end.;)

Good luck Op! You deserve SO much more and you need to focus on that and move on.

:T Couldn't agree more.

worriedsik

moggylover wrote: »

I personally think this is a little boy who needs to be kicked out and given the short, sharp shock of reality: oh, and make him take the debts he racked up through his irresponsiblity in the driving school fiasco with him:D

That's the reality! As long as you are supporting him, and he is able to steal food from the kids mouths he will and I do not believe (having lived with one) that people as irresponsible and self-centered as this are capable of changing within the relationship. I also think that most of them only see a relationship in terms of what it can give them and not what they need to put in.

I'm sure I'll get told I am harsh: but I have been there and have been used and fed from and expected to take all the responsibilities and (although mine was much better about household chores) decided that I wanted a partner from life not another (very large and costly) child:o

He may be a "good dad" but he is a lousy "father" and hopeless "partner" as far as I can see and I think you need to kick him out of the house YOU provide and have a while on your own.

There will be help out there with childcare and so forth, but I suspect you will find the savings you make in not paying HIS debts off, and not having to keep subsidising him will minimise the hit of any financial outlay considerably more than you think when you get there:D

As to sadness at the end of the marriage: I don't think it IS a marriage, I think you are parenting him not married to him and the sadness is at the loss of the "dream" you had of what marriage would be. I was there myself, the bl00dy smoke gets right in your eye when a lovely dream dies, but once the smoke clears life improves no end.;)

Good luck Op! You deserve SO much more and you need to focus on that and move on.

Yep i second that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ jeez i have been there to moggylover lol iam a moggy lover now too, 3 cats no man lol

moggylover

worriedsik wrote: »

Yep i second that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ jeez i have been there to moggylover lol iam a moggy lover now too, 3 cats no man lol

I've got 10:D Just making sure there is no room for a man should I ever weaken again.

10 cats, 8 bunnies, 3 degus, 2 rats a guinea pig.................oh yeah, and two kids:D

beasygirl

Hi, again thank you for the replies.

Over the weekend things seemed to improve, it was DH's birthday on Saturday and although I felt no desire to get him anything, I got him a little something from the girls, we went out for dinner and when we returned we talked, it was the best we had got on in ages.

He explained his need for this business to succeed, as it’s something he is very passionate about, I explained I understood this but he needed to see that we as a family come first. I suggested he take a part time job until his hobby turns to a profitable business and he hit the roof. Said he felt insulted that I called it a hobby and it was making money we were just spending it!!

So just when you think things are getting better, something happens and you're back to square one.

I'm going to be honest with him this evening and say if things don't change for the long term I want a trial separation and I will move in at my mums at Easter.

It's my youngest DD's birthday at the end of the month so I don't want to make any changes until then and hopefully that gives DH enough time to change.

I still feel very low at the moment and hate my home life, I cook/clean when I come in from work whilst DH plays with the girls. I can hear them all laughing and giggling at it makes me cry into my dirty dishes!! What worries me is if we did split they would choose him to live with, he would keep the house and I would lose everything. Why is everything so difficult?????????

Tulip

Sending you a lot of *hugs*

chesky369

Up until now, you have colluded in your husband's infantilisation. The reason he gets on so well with his children is because he is still childlike himself, refusing to take an adult's responsibility. My own daughter was in a relationship exactly like yours - she had allowed it to get worse and worse over the years, until she suddenly decided enough was enough.

Her eldest daughter did suffer - she was about 10 but the youngest who was 4 quickly adjusted, it seems the younger they are the better, which you should keep in mind, since I don't think your problem is going to get any better.

If you intend to separate from your husband and still have custody of your daughters, you will have to plan it like a campaign and this should start with a visit to your local CAB and ask for a referral to a solicitor. You will probably have to pay in the long-term, since I suspect you won't be eligible for legal aid but you will be entitled to 20-30 minutes free, just to get you underway.

Do you have a mortgage, or are you renting. Who pays the mortgage? In the long run, I suspect you will be much better off - both emotionally and financially, once you get out of this relationship which is dragging you down and, in the long run, is draining him of all ambition and confidence.

Dinah93

Speak to a solicitor before leaving the girls with him, or would you take them with you to your mums?

threemuttleys

Op, I want to firstly give you a great big hug (((())))


Right, IMHO, there is absolutely no reason why your OH cannot work part time to supplement what his business (is not) making. Tesco etc, are very flexible with people who need to work around other commitments (kids, 2nd jobs etc)

I myself have a business, sometimes it does great, and I can cut back on the OT at work, when its rubbish I do more hours. The important aspect of a business working from home, is that it needs to be covering its cost (leccy, tinernet etc, just as it would if it were in a conventional office) if it isnt, he needs to be making up the shortfall.

Either way, you should be coming home to dinner on the table, and at least some of the cleaning/kid sorting chores done (we have all spent the day on MSE and then wizzed around for an hour to make it look like we have done loads darling)

Your oh doesnt sound like he wants to or is going to change. You need to hand him his debts, and make him pay for them. I see no reason for you to be paying them off for him (unless they are joint debts)

You need to sort your bank accounts, and maybe start yourself a little emergency fund (just in case) for you and your kids

Good luck to you and big hugs xx (and a slap for the OH)