I don't know if I can do this anymore

beasygirl

Again thank you for the replies, I have taken it on board.

Our eldest DD is 5 and is at school full time, our youngest DD is at Nursery which is 3 full days a week and half days on Monday and Friday, my mum has her for for the other half days so in theory DH has our eldest DD from 3.30 till 5 5 days a week, and she is a very easy child and mature for her age so does not take very much looking after.

DH is a web developer, he is part of an online forum and says he needs to be at the computer 24/7 to try to drum up business and answer any questions.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Actually, put in those terms, I think you are making a reasonable request in a quite unreasonable way. With your own business, money does not come in in regular packets. So expecting £100/week is asking for the moon on a stick. Asking for £440/month is less unreasonable and asking for £2500 in the first 6 months is reasonable

I agree with this, but what I'm really asking DH for is to contribute to the family, £400 a month is less than minimum wage for a full time job, but it is what we need as a family to get by.


I will make an effort to show DH our SOA, although everytime I try we just fight, but this time I will just put it down in front of him and not say anything.

It breaks my heart and I just feel so depressed and alone all the time, my parents know we're in debt but they don't know by how much and they definately don't know about DH's job. We've only been married just under 2 years but together for 7 I feel too ashamed to tell the close friends I do have as I know what they would say.

GSXRCarlos

beasygirl wrote: »

I feel too ashamed to tell the close friends I do have as I know what they would say.

Never ever say that, if they're your real friends they understand

You need your friends around you otherwise you'll go mad

Speak to someone you can trust that it'll go no further, even if it's just a rant they may help you se things more clearly

ninky_2

it would be a really good step to call the al anon helpline http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/contact

they are used to dealing with the issues you are going through.

Pee

Hmm... he has never really worked, trained as a driving instructor and gave up before the car was paid off... he has been like this since you met him and you expected him to grow up and act like an old fashioned man now you are married and have children with him. It sounds to me as though you have changed and he hasn't. Now I can see why you have changed, with your daughters comes responsibilities, but it seems to me that he has to recognise this himself and face up to it, rather than be nagged into it.

I suspect that if you have lost faith in his business ventures, you have also lost respect for him as a man.

Having said that I do have every sympathy. I am in a good relationship without children with a hard working man used to earning his own money and spending it. At the moment, work is very quiet for him, touch wood it is looking up at the moment, but there have been weeks over the winter without anything in sight apart from working away all week. I would say that the dynamic between us is different and it is almost making me feel like our relationship is struggling with this situation, even though all it really is is a few months without work. We have low fixed overgoings and both of us earn good money when we are working, so I know that I have nothing at all to complain about, but it does make me wonder how I would feel in your situation - with the added pressure of children and a new business.

DVardysShadow

beasygirl wrote: »

... DH is a web developer, he is part of an online forum and says he needs to be at the computer 24/7 to try to drum up business and answer any questions.


..., but what I'm really asking DH for is to contribute to the family, £400 a month is less than minimum wage for a full time job, but it is what we need as a family to get by.


I will make an effort to show DH our SOA, although everytime I try we just fight, but this time I will just put it down in front of him and not say anything.

It breaks my heart and I just feel so depressed and alone all the time, my parents know we're in debt but they don't know by how much and they definately don't know about DH's job. We've only been married just under 2 years but together for 7 I feel too ashamed to tell the close friends I do have as I know what they would say.

OK, I think as a web developer, he does not need to be at the computer more than 2 hours a day drumming up business, he needs to find other approaches to getting his business off the ground.

I think you need to put him on the spot in the nicest way and get from him what his criterion is for success and if it is the least bit realistic, you need to put in your talents to trying to achieve that. this criterion should be a SMART objective [google for this], it stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time bound.

Obviously, you are worn a bit thin, but you do need to support him in doing this - possibly more with good will than with actual effort. The point of the SMART objective is that it should be quite clear whether the business plan is working - and being time bound, there is an end to it. You need to start off by agreeing that if the objective is not met, then he should do something else.

Lotus-eater

DVardysShadow wrote: »

OK, I think as a web developer, he does not need to be at the computer more than 2 hours a day drumming up business, he needs to find other approaches to getting his business off the ground.

I wonder if he is running the forum and using that as a way to maybe build up a business.

jackieglasgow

Or I wonder if he's doing what we are and spending far too much time on here or somewhere like it!


OK Jackie , speak for yourself..........I'll get my coat, shall I?

Lotus-eater

jackieglasgow wrote: »

Or I wonder if he's doing what we are and spending far too much time on here or somewhere like it!


OK Jackie , speak for yourself..........I'll get my coat, shall I?

Hey I multitask I'll have you know, I'm doing three things atm

Steel_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I wonder if he is running the forum and using that as a way to maybe build up a business.

I wonder if he's fannying around during the day and then looking terribly busy in the evenings?

Personally OP, if my husband fed me a load of BS about his business being to complicated for me to understand he'd get a flea in his ear. Bloody cheek.

More likely he doesn't have a cohesive plan for what he's doing or thinks if you grasped how stupid the idea is with little money-making potential you'd be angry.

I'm self-employed and I talk about my wins and my losses with hubby every day. During periods when I don't have work and he needs to cover more financially I make damn sure he knows I'm grafting for business every day and can give him at least a two week heads-up when I forecast I'll be short.

I read him emails and letters, discuss interesting projects and get his opinions. I never isolate myself and I value hubby's input. I share with him. Even if there's something he doesn't understand, I find a way to explain it. If I can't, what hope have I got explaining it to a prospective customer?

Dinah93

I can see why you're upset to be honest. And at the moment starting a business is a luxury you can't afford. You NEED a regular wage from him to meet your commitments, and there is nothing stopping him spending evenings and weekends working on his business as many people do who want to become self employed. The fact he won't tell you what he is doing suggests he isn't doing much at all, if I was doing something I was proud of I would be telling my OH every evening when they got home the progress I'd made that day, the only reason not to talk about it is nothing is happening.