I don't know if I can do this anymore

floss2

beasygirl wrote: »

...DH says it would take too long to explain to me and I should just let him get on with it....

....I'm always skeptical about any business venture he has.

I think you should both sit down and have an adult discussion about your household finances, his new business, your aims to become debt free, and treat it as a board meeting for the company which is your family.

If you are not fully honest with him about what you are aiming to do, and he is not up front about his business, how can you ever expect to agree on whose turn it is to tidy up after the children?!

beasygirl

Everytime we do discuss money, and I explain to him we need X amount in order to pay the bills and not get behind in everything, we fight. The reason we have debts is because he has never been in a job long enough so we have resorted to spending on the credit cards in order to survive, I've always worked except when I was on Maternity leave so maybe I do resent him for this.

The longest he has ever had a job is 3 years, and this was before we met, the longest since we have met was last year when he was in the same job, working full time for 6 months, so I resent him for this also.

I would just like him to see we are in this mess because he wont hold down a job, and the job he is in now is taking money from us rather than making it. This as well as the lack of support with running the house and doing the chores.

jackieglasgow

beasygirl, you should read Julliffe's thread "Am I too controlling over money?" she had similar problems in her relationship, and what on the surface seem a whole lot more besides. Maybe comparing her situation to your own will give you some clarity on the matter, and you will be able to judge if you are being unreasonable in your wants from the relationship. I'd also suggest some counselling on your own in the first instance to help you see which way to go.

Hugs and good luck.

JodyBPM

I think you need to sit down with him, and discuss how much you need in total into the household kitty, how much you can contribute, and how much he needs to contribute. How he makes that money is up to him, if we're talking £100 a week, that amount could easily be made from a part-time job, leaving him the rest of the working week to work on his project.

The issue here seems to be that you don't have faith in his new venture (quite possibly with good reason) and I guess he is picking up on that and becoming frustrated. So there needs to be a clear commitment from him to contribute what he needs to, and in return, you take on the majority of the financial contribution, and support him fully in his venture.

Re the housework, again you need to discuss it and set out what your expectations are.

Basically, in a nutshell, I think that he needs to fit this new venture around his existing responsibility of providing £100 a week and doing his share of the chores. He must realise he can't ignore those responsibilities to do what he wants. In return you need to be supportive of his venture and have some faith in him, so long as he fulfils his agreed commitments!

Lotus-eater

floss2 wrote: »

I think you should both sit down and have an adult discussion about your household finances, his new business, your aims to become debt free, and treat it as a board meeting for the company which is your family.

Agreed

Now, does he look after one child all day? If he does, expecting him to work as well as this, is a bit much during the day, is that why he does work at night?
I'm a SAHD, I also keep my business running the best I can, during the day it's almost impossible, I do some at night, but the majority I seem to fit in where I can, which to be fair looking after a 6 month old isn't often. I feel tired all the time, stressed and lucky to have my OH who works if anything harder than I do.
She looks upon me looking after our DS as a full time job during the day, but I also try to keep the kitchen clean and make dinner/tea as often as I can. Even so, I know she wants me to do more.
I do my best, but I do feel as if I am just treading water, our relationship is dying a bit as we are just so tired all the time and have no decent time to spend with each other.
If you looked at us, you would think we were the perfect couple. What I'm trying to say is that everyone has it hard and tbh you are no worse or better than most on here.

I expect a family to act like a family, it doesn't matter who brings in the money, as long as there is enough, if there isn't enough, the family has to sit down and decide what to do about it. if you have debts, you have to sit down and decide what to do.
If his business isn't bringing in any money, then you need to get an understanding of why and if it has a chance to in the future.
For him to not explain it to you and say you won't understand is not acceptable, he's basically calling you stupid, or can't be bothered to explain, or knows it's a load of hogswash and doesn't want you to know.

You're obviously not stupid, you will know whether this business will make any money or not, or has the chance to.
My business doesn't bring in much money atm, it has in the past and has the potential to do so again, but not until both kids go to school and I can have some reliable time to do what I need to do everyday.
I don't know what type of business he has, but that will need to be taken into consideration.

I'm not sure I've written the gist of what I was trying to say, I hope you get the idea.

Zazen999

OP - take out the 'discussion' and do a SOA and a monthly spreadsheet of all money coming in, going out and show him in black and white. Then you take the emotion out of it and try to work out a way through together.

When I first got with my OH we both had reasonable debts from his split and my degree so I did a monthly spreadsheet for the upcoming year, with estimates of all bills and repayments, and we worked out when we would both be free of loans/OD/credit cards etc. We religiously completed it every month with 'real' data, and saved everything we could so that we could plan what we could do and what we couldn't.

GSXRCarlos

I've not read all the replies, but another member "Julliff" has a thread going, and she's been through something similar, it may help you both to speak with her

I'll read the rest of the thread soon, but otherwise, good luck

ninky_2

OP i do understand your frustration. i've been in a not dissimilar situation myself when my OH struggled to find work and wanted to set up a business to make money. i helped him with a couple of his ventures even though i knew they didn't stand much chance of success but at the time i thought it was good for him to be doing something rather than nothing. also, we don't have children so there wasn't the added pressure there and i could afford to support us through it.

however, i do think you need to draw the line somewhere. perhaps you need to make it clear that his 'business' cannot use the family finances to keep going. if it needs money he needs to come up with a business plan and find out about getting a business loan.

also, you need to decide together how long you will give this business to prove it can work. and what level of income is acceptable from it to make it worth it.

at the moment it sounds like he doesn't want to discuss. and could this partly be because by saying he is running a business he doesn't have to face up to not providing for his family or getting a job.

it is not fair for him to expect you to subsidise a business he is not prepared to discuss with you. no bank manager would put up with that so why should you?

Lotus-eater

What people often fail to understand and I frequently have to (gently) point it out to friends who come up with the "I want to start my own business" saying...... is that a business that doesn't make a profit isn't a business, it's a hobby.

DVardysShadow

cavework wrote: »

I don't have a high paid job and bring in just over 1k a month, I have asked DH to contribute to our living costs by £100 a week. This is where the arguments start as he thinks I am being unreasonable asking this amount when he is just setting up a business.

Actually, put in those terms, I think you are making a reasonable request in a quite unreasonable way. With your own business, money does not come in in regular packets. So expecting £100/week is asking for the moon on a stick. Asking for £440/month is less unreasonable and asking for £2500 in the first 6 months is reasonable

cavework wrote: »

I can't cope anymore - we argue daily about the money situation, I'm trying everything possible to become debt free, cutting back, ebaying when I get access to the computer and he will just go and spend money on !!!! like redbulls and chocolates.

Then you need the statement of affairs and a rational discussion. You need to support him in his business [what is it BTW?] assuming it is viable and take the rough with the smooth. He needs to deliver from his business or find something else if it is not really viable.