I don't know if I can do this anymore

beasygirl

Hi all,

I'm really just needing to vent at the moment. My dh of nearly 7 years is driving me crazy to the point where I feel like leaving him. We have 2 DD's aged 5 and nearly 4. I work full time 8-5 Mon-Fri, DH "works" from home and takes care of the girls schooling - by this I mean he sometimes makes DD lunch when he has the time/can be bothered (otherwise he pays for school dinners) and does the school run, and is at home with them from 3.30 until I finish and get home just after 5.

Now here is where I get frustrated, when I get in from work I am expected to clear up his mess, wash up, make tea, play with the girls, bath the girls, put them bed whilst he will think nothing of sitting at the pc "working". You may think I am being cruel and this is what a normal working mother will do which is fair enough but this 'work' he is doing is not bringing much money into the household.

I don't have a high paid job and bring in just over 1k a month, I have asked DH to contribute to our living costs by £100 a week. This is where the arguments start as he thinks I am being unreasonable asking this amount when he is just setting up a business.

I can't cope anymore - we argue daily about the money situation, I'm trying everything possible to become debt free, cutting back, ebaying when I get access to the computer and he will just go and spend money on !!!! like redbulls and chocolates.

He is a great dad and is very good with the girls but I just don't know if this is enough for me anymore, I know my problems may seem trivial to some but as I said I'm on the cusp of just walking away and leaving him to fester and pay the bills on his own.

Thank you for reading if you have got this far, and if anyone can offer me any advice I will take it with open arms.

xmaslolly76

((hugs)) hun never been that situation so not sure how i would deal with it but maybe if he cant contribute financially you could ask him to help out more in the home. Why cant he clean his own mess up and start tea for example. I would say stick to you bathing the girls as you obviously will miss out on them more being at work full time. I know it wouldnt help you financially but it would relieve some pressure off you day to day and would at least make things bearable until his business takes off.

gingin_2

What potential does his business have? What hours does he work on it? If he is working hard while the girls are at school then I think it is unreasonable to expect him to bring in a certain sum of money. If the busines is just a pipe dream then you need to be honest with him and he should try and help out financially if you are struggling.

Have you sat down and talked about your frustrations?

I am a sahm and when OH gets in from work he bathes and puts our daughter to bed, it's his quality time with her. He also tidies up after dinner (but insists on it).

Is your OP really the reason you want to leave, or does it go deeper than that?

ninky_2

how much does your OH make? can he actually afford 100 quid a week?

why don't you sit down together and write an SOA and work out how much you can both afford for personally treats and who puts what into the shared pot?

leaving sounds quite extreme and you will both probably be worse off financially as you will have to pay for childcare as well as financing two seperate places to live. plus it will be a major upheaval for the girls.

could you take some of the evening 'chores' in turns so that your husband still has some evenings he can get work done on the computer whilst you can enjoy some evenings relaxing whilst he takes the strain.

Boozer

You say you argue about money, but have you told him how you feel about him not doing anything, if you continue to do everything without letting him know how you feel then he is going to accept it, i was a bit the same with regards to housework until my wife told me she was not best pleased with me, and i changed, i still f****** hate housework, but i know it makes for a happier household, so i get on with it.

Wow

When you say he is at his PC working, what exactly is his line of work? Sorry to be nosey on my first post, I don't mean to be.

belfastgirl23

You have a lot of resentment built up against your husband and it sounds like things are are very difficult between you. In these types of situations you can get to a point where you don't communicate at all with each other and everytime you try to talk you fight.

Is there any way you can clear some time to sit down and talk properly? It's a good idea to talk about how you feel rather than what he's done, and if he tries to turn it into an accusation don't let him. Stay calm and try to talk reasonably. Also take responsibility if you have done anything wrong - tbh it sounds like you think his business is pointless - maybe I'm misreading here but he could be carrying a lot of anger that you are not supporting him. And is digging his heels in to show you that he's working as hard as he can.

Worth a try anyway.

cavework

I don't have a high paid job and bring in just over 1k a month, I have asked DH to contribute to our living costs by £100 a week. This is where the arguments start as he thinks I am being unreasonable asking this amount when he is just setting up a business.

I can't cope anymore - we argue daily about the money situation, I'm trying everything possible to become debt free, cutting back, ebaying when I get access to the computer and he will just go and spend money on !!!! like redbulls and chocolates.

He is a great dad and is very good with the girls but I just don't know if this is enough for me anymore, I know my problems may seem trivial to some but as I said I'm on the cusp of just walking away and leaving him to fester and pay the bills on his own.



You don,t say how long you have been married OP. ..
The toughest thing married couples have to go through is dealing with debts and making ends meet. I have been married a long time and up until 3 years ago everything was rosy then it all went pear shaped through no ones fault.
We spent months arguing , glaring at each other , blaming each other. the one thing we forgot to do was talk honestly to each other.
One night it came to a head .. we were about to give up on our marrage and both walk away ..
That was the breaking point , that is when we both realised that we had to be honest with each other and fight this together, no one on this earth would put up with either of us!
We got into it together and the best solution was by working together to resolve it.
It,s tough going and at times I could still throttle him , but at least when we manage to solve even the smallest bill by eating beans on toast for a week we can now laugh WITH each other..
Please no remarks about bedrooms and flatulence!

floss2

beasygirl wrote: »

...I don't have a high paid job and bring in just over 1k a month, I have asked DH to contribute to our living costs by £100 a week....

....Now here is where I get frustrated, when I get in from work I am expected to clear up his mess, wash up, make tea, play with the girls, bath the girls, put them bed whilst he will think nothing of sitting at the pc "working". You may think I am being cruel and this is what a normal working mother will do which is fair enough but this 'work' he is doing is not bringing much money into the household......

Have you explained to your OH why you want a 40% increase in the household income? Is it to pay off debts? To cover increased bills because he's at home using heat & power?

Does he actually bring any income in from his new business? Was he a high earner prior to setting this business up? Does he know the full extent of the financial situation, i.e. how much the gas / electric / phone bills are, how much it costs to do a weekly shop, how much you are each / jointly in debt?

Why not suggest he tackles some of the household chores in lieu of some of this money? Do you not see the time you spend with your children as "your" special time with them, when he's had his Daddy time before you get home? Many working mums would bite your arm off to have that time with their kids every night.

I think you need to have a really good think about what you want - and maybe try to work out why there appears to be some resentment towards your OH & the way your lives are currently running.

beasygirl

Thank you for all of the replies, still quite new hear and don't know to do multiple quotes I will try and explain myself a bit more.

beasygirl

gingin wrote: »

What potential does his business have? What hours does he work on it? If he is working hard while the girls are at school then I think it is unreasonable to expect him to bring in a certain sum of money. If the busines is just a pipe dream then you need to be honest with him and he should try and help out financially if you are struggling.

I don't really know what potential his business has as its something I am not too clued up on , DH says it would take too long to explain to me and I should just let him get on with it. In my eyes it is a pipe dream, he started the business with no money set aside and keeps dipping into our tax credits money in order for it to carry on.

He already has a CCJ from a well known driving school as he didn't run it properly and ended up owing them money for the lease of their car so I'm always skeptical about any business venture he has.