Different ethnicities and kids birthday parties

angie12

Hi, I don't have an answer to the OP's dilemma but, as a mixed race person myself, I just wanted to say what a lovely, thoughtful person she must be.
The replies and suggestions have renewed my faith in human nature and cheered me up no end.
Angie

pigpen

At our primary school 17% of the children are minority groups.. mainly from Asian countries but from all over the world.

My children are allowed to invite up to 4 friends for birthday parties.. inviting 20 I would have to invite from other classes!! so of the 4 DD4 invites one is an Asian girl, I honestly have no idea where from exactly. She has NEVER been allowed to go to a party.. not DD4's nor those of the other children in the group of friends.

When I have spoken to other parents they seem to think there is no celebration like this of birthdays in many of the originating countries so they do not know what they are, or the parents have poor english and cannot understand what is written. We have never had it that the food was an issue or pets, though we have spoken to other parents who are also asian yet their children come. These are mainly the ones with second or third generation english families who understand the british culture and birthday parties.

Families from African countries, Japan and China do let theirs come, I have found it is predominantly Asian/muslim families who keep their children away.

I don't think it is possible to get these parents to allow their children to come to a party, I have been trying for 15 years! They seem to prefer to mix only with each other ad not try to integrate into british customs or allow their children to, but they do miss out on such a lot! The parents don't mix with the other parents so why would they allow their children to?

I find it very sad and quite depressing as I would happily accept anyone into my home.. providing they weren't unpleasant of course!

Every year DD4 says 'I want to invite R, but I know she won't be allowed to come' .. it is very upsetting.

Savvy_Sue

patchwork_cat wrote: »

(or at least send a reply as to not is very rude)

But is it rude if they do not know that that's what we expect here?

The social norms around visiting other people's homes can be so different: I mean in some cultures it would be the height of rudeness not to INVITE someone to your home, but you'd expect them to know that it was the invitation which mattered, and actually turning up would be completely unexpected!

As it happens, the only unexpected arrival I ever had at a birthday party was from the only girl DS1 invited to one of his parties (he was very young). I hadn't had a reply from her, I assumed she wasn't coming, and there she was! Cue panic with a party bag ...

And I did have a few impolite moments on my own behalf, I vividly remember DS1 telling me he was invited to Fred's house one day, but he managed to give the impression that it was just a casual 'come round for tea' kind of thing. I told DS1 we'd have to be a bit late, and he said that would be fine, so we turned up half an hour late to find it was a birthday party with all sorts of organised games - and of course I had no present or card for the Birthday Boy. If there WAS a written invitation - and he was still at the age where that would have been helpful, ie before he became a laid back teenager! - I never saw it, and I was mortified!

xs11ax

patchwork_cat wrote: »

I really do feel that if you move to a country you do have to take on some of that countries traditions wihtout compromising your own

but sadly it has never worked that way.

at the time of the british empire, when they colonalised countries such as india and hong kong etc they were so averse to the culture and traditions of the host country that instead of integrating, they carved out a piece of england for themselves in said countries.

the british held onto to their own language, culture, festivals, dress, food, religion, and anything else you can think of.

so this mindset is not limited to 'ethnic minorities' at all.

Lotus-eater

xs11ax wrote: »

but sadly it has never worked that way.

at the time of the british empire, when the colonalised countries such as india and hong kong etc they were so averse to the culture and traditions of the host country that instead of integrating, the carved out a piece of england for themselves in said countries.

the british held onto to their own language, culture, festivals, dress, food, religion, and anything else you can think of.

so this mindset is not limited to 'ethnic minorities' at all.

That stopped in the late 1940's and really only went on before the 2nd world war.

I don't think that's an excuse.

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

That stopped in the late 1940's and really only went on before the 2nd world war.

I don't think that's an excuse.

Have you never been to a Red Lion pub in Spain? Or had a full English breakfast a greasy spoon in Greece?

Every culture is guilty of it.

shays_mum

Ok to summarise, i think the kids would not have rsvp because:
Their parents did not know what rsvp meant,
Their kids did'nt give the invite/mums did'nt check their bags (i have done this!!),
They did'nt want to foist their naughty kids onto you, hence embarrassing their parents
There are many reasons why people don't rsvp, as the op said she has a really busy life & does'nt get the chance to chat with these mothers......maybe they just forgot!-also assuming of course just because they are asian they all know each other!
If i am throwing a party (and yes as british asians we celebrate any occasions we can ) i always follow up with a text/call to make sure, don't want no nasty surprises.
TBH i would not be bothered over whether anyone (whatever ethnicity) rsvp'd me or not, if my children wanted them there, then its my duty to do the chasing, after all its our party! - its one of those things, like when people bring sibilings, they may have not been invited, but i would make sure they ate properly & made sure they were additional cheaper party bags just in case they made a scene!!

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

Have you never been to a Red Lion pub in Spain? Or had a full English breakfast a greasy spoon in Greece?

Every culture is guilty of it.

Oh agreed, I don't see why that makes it right though. If I can sit here and have a go at British ex pats for being idiots in Spain (and I do) then I can damn well have a go at other people that do the same thing.
Even though I've never had "a go" at anyone and seem to be being pushed into the corner and I've no doubt about to be called a racist.

And she was talking specifically about the British Empire and so was I.

xs11ax

in some form or another most people are racist whether they are concious of it or not.

expecting someone to adhere to your cultural understanding of politeness is a form of racism, albeit a mild form.

amongst south asians it is not the norm to inform the host that you will be accepting the invitation and also it is not the norm for the host to expect a response.

most south asian weddings consist of hundreds of invitees and can go on for up to a week. every single family will receive an invitation and each invitation will be marked RSVP but hardly anyone will know what that means! and absolutely no one will reply back and if someone was to then there would be a lot of confused head scratching! thats just the south asian way of doing things. we even allow for the inevitable uninvited guests at our weddings too, and they will be treated just like any guest.

funkyprincess

For the OP, if some of your children's friends are from muslim families, I would just like to confirm what a few other posts have stated. Birthdays aren't celebrated in Islam. It's just how it is. But this doesn't mean to say the kids can't mix, it's just that they won't acknowledge/celebrate a birthday. It can be difficult to get your head around though if you've had a lifetime of celebrating birthdays and can seem a "shame". Although, on the other hand, it isn't a "shame" if you aren't used to celebrating birthdays and can seem alien to celebrate by those who don't.

By not receiving replies to the RSVPs, I doubt very much if this would have been done to offend. Some cultures just aren't familiar with this. I am, because I am English and have lived in England all my life, whereas my husband who is from a different culture, isn't familiar with it all. For him, if he receives an invite somewhere, you either go or you don't - and let the person organising know - no RSVP involved.

Within Islam there are many cultural differences and what one muslim family does another may not and this could just be down to cultural differences depending on where they are from. The basics of the religion are the same, but the cultural differences can vary enormously.