Different ethnicities and kids birthday parties

JodyBPM

First off I just want to say that this could potentially be an issue that could be seen as inflammatory, but my reason for raising this is actually a positive one, I'm concerned that there is something that I am doing that might be inadvertantly excluding, and would like to fact find so that I can work towards better integration, and not the opposite

Both my children have had birthday parties in the last month or two. They are 4 & 5. On both occasions I simply asked them who they played with and who they would like to invite, and sent out invitations accordingly.

On both occasions the group of children they chose to invite included some indian/pakistani children. (3 out of 12 children invited for DS and 4 out of 20 invited for DDs party). This is probably about average in relation to the make up of the class. Fab!

But for both parties, not one single indian/pakistani child turned up, nor did I even get the courtesy of a response at all For the other children I had a roughly 80% turn up rate with perhaps the odd one that didn't reply.

We live in an affluent, mainly white area in the SE. In general I would say it was well integrated, with different ethnicities interspersed, rather than asian communities or areas.

What can I do for next year to try to encourage better integration? It seems so sad that a subset of my children's friends aren't coming to their parties And assuming the trend is the same at all other parties (and I would say it is from experience of who is at the parties I take mine to) then there are a subset of children who are missing out on all parties Its such a shame as I think the out of school playing is such an important part of learning to making friendships.

So is there anything I should know? Culturally are birthday parties a no-no? Could it be concerns about food/catering for religious diets? Could it be a language issue?

Any suggestions?

DVardysShadow

Do you know the parents or did the invites go back via the kids?

Person_one

If the children are Muslim or Hindu then food may be an issue. Most Hindus are vegetarian or even vegan while many Muslims only eat food that is Halal. I'm not aware of any rule that birthday parties are a no no for any religion except Jehovah's Witnesses but that doesn't mean there isn't a cultural issue with them.

It could be as often happens in school that children of different ethnicities don't really mix so unfortunately the Asian children wouldn't feel like they were good enough friends with your child to attend a birthday party.

Or it could be sheer coincidence. I'm not sure there's anything you can do beyond continuing to extend invitations and bringing your child up to be inclusive and open minded but it seems like you are doing that already!

JodyBPM

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Do you know the parents or did the invites go back via the kids?

Invitations go back via the childrens "pockets" where any letters/paperwork etc go back and the parents collect from each day, so the parents would have got the invitations.

JodyBPM

Person_one wrote: »

It could be as often happens in school that children of different ethnicities don't really mix so unfortunately the Asian children wouldn't feel like they were good enough friends with your child to attend a birthday party.

On each occasion I asked the children who they played with and who they would like to invite, so I would say that they were good enough friends! My children obviously think so!

Person_one

JodyBPM wrote: »

On each occasion I asked the children who they played with and who they would like to invite, so I would say that they were good enough friends! My children obviously think so!

That's great! I've actually worked in Primary schools trying to promote cohesion/tolerance etc and the way the kids self segregate and their ignorance of each other can be really depressing so I'm really pleased this isn't happening in your children's school!

Is there any way you could send the invitations to the parents? Or contact the parents by phone? That way you can ask if there any accommodations you can make in order for them to attend.

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

It could be as often happens in school that children of different ethnicities don't really mix so unfortunately the Asian children wouldn't feel like they were good enough friends with your child to attend a birthday party.

Highly unlikely, considering the kids invited the other kids.

Brilliant OP btw Jody.

It's a difficult one considering there could be so many variables.

Do you know any of the parents? I would be getting to the root of it by introducing myself to a parent of one non turnup (the friendliest looking) and asking if they got the invite (not in front of the kids in case she didn't get it and something else is going on), being very apologetic I would then ask if they were worried about the food if they didn't come.
Next time put a ps on the invite, to let you know of any food requirements. W've got some vegies in my DD's class and just lay on a few different things, or sometimes the kids bring some of their own party foods with them.

I'd want to know and would find out, but then I've never been accused of being light footed around delicate subjects.

elsien

No useful suggestions, but I don't think birthday parties are a no-no - my pakistani neighbours had a lovely outdoor party last year complete with children's entertainer, the works. They felt obliged to invite me and give me cake, due to the noise levels.

vkusuman

Hi,
My reply might not give much insight into the problem, mainly because I am not a parent. but couldnt resist replying seeing such a good post.
I am sure all Indians love birthday parties. So I wouldnt think its a cultural issue.
Apart from the good points highlighted above, I think the problem could be down to some practical issues like transportation and parents (non) availability to accompany the kids.

chloe99_2

Food could well be anticipated as being a problem eg muslims require halaal or vegetarian diet, so for a party everyone knows that jelly usually contains geletine, red food colourings often contain cochineal (squashed beetles), parties usually include sausages etc etc.

Secondly, strictly speaking, muslims are not allowed to celebrate birthdays or have music (eg musical chairs, statues, music in the background etc etc). Though these are not necessarily the reasons the children didnt come as many Muslims may well celebrate birthdays or allow music.

Neither are they the reason that you didnt get replies saying the children couldnt come, but please know that rudeness would not have been intended but that social etiquettes in some cultures are different - in my experience, this is not related to religion, but is purely a cultural thing. For example, in Asian weddings, many hundreds of people may be invited with an RSVP card, but almost never will anyone RSVP!! To the English this may be rude (I find it rude, cant help it), but I think it does not factor in some other cultures.

Lastly, I would suggest that, depending on the families you have invited, they (like us) may well feel awkward, strange, uncomfortable accepting an invitation for their children to attend something that is so very different and alien to their own culture.

If you want to involve these children in your children's home life then I would suggest that you speak to the Mums personally and invite a small number of children round for something else which is less culturally bound. Eg some kind of craft session (for girls) or whatever. But choose something that will appeal to the children and where parents of another culture will immediately understand what you have in mind.

Also try to keep an open mind as I find it is always fascinating to learn more about cultural and religious differences and similarities and this will help you a great deal if you would like your children to enjoy friendships with children of a variety of ethnicities.

Hope you sort something out!!

belfastgirl23

I'd suggest asking the teacher as a first port of call if she's reasonably nice. She might be able to shed some light on things or even very gently inquire about it.

I would really want to get to the bottom of it too in your shoes for all the same reasons.

PS you could consider doing all veggie parties, that way no one would be excluded (hazy knowledge of Islam but I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry about halal vegetables )