£100,000 Debt "club"

lynsayjane

Debtomaniak wrote:

He promissed me it is no more then £100K, I believe him, because I told him, that it was his chance to come out clean and tell me the truth and if he lied I would leave him.

there's only one problem with statements like this hun, or mentioning divorce. you HAVE to have the balls to stand by what you say. if he turned around and told you it was more than he promised would you actually leave or make excuses about his brother and stay? i've recently lost a friend after telling her summit similar about a bf...long story but she'll regret it long before i do (like when she didn't walk away!)!

i do feel bad for him losing his brother but he sounds like a total coward to me for not aknowledging his debt and doing something about it. if you were trying to get him to talk to his bro then its obviously been a problem before his bro died and so his silence isn't caused by the death.

i also think that if he won't talk to you or his bro about his debt there seems little point in suggesting councelling, whats the chances of him saying yes? i guess you should be glad it's in his name and won't affect you financially.

Debtomaniak

lynzpower wrote:

How do you think he would feel if you showed him what you have written? Sometimes people do that with thier OHs it can help.

It sounds like whne push comes to shove, he does allow you to know some things, could push come to shove again?

Thank you, I am scared to tell him I am writing this, in case he thinks I have betrayed him. No one in his family knows about it and I promissed I would not say anything to anyone, but could not help myself posting messages here, think I might go mad if I do not speak to someone about this. Could not really worry my mum with this and none of my friends know neither. Thanks for your suggestion though.

hbl_2

Debtomaniak wrote:

Just thinking loud, if we sold a house say for £250K less mortgage £80K, we would have £170K to pay the debt and to buy a place to live. By the time we pay our debt and take in to account buying/selling solicitors and other fees what can we get for a £60K this days? We will prabably have to rent, which I think is a waste of money, but haven't really got any other ideas.

Isn't £60,000 a perfectly good deposit on a smaller house? I think you may have highlighted the simplest route out of your predicament and may give you the opportunity to save your marriage. I hope that your husband snaps out of it, I really do, because inactivity in a situation like this is a mind-killer.

Don't let pride be a barrier, and there are plenty of people here to support you!

Debtomaniak

lynsayjane wrote:

there's only one problem with statements like this hun, or mentioning divorce. you HAVE to have the balls to stand by what you say. if he turned around and told you it was more than he promised would you actually leave or make excuses about his brother and stay?

No I could not leave him, esspecially now.

i do feel bad for him losing his brother but he sounds like a total coward to me for not aknowledging his debt and doing something about it.

Yes, we all different aren't we? Some are stronger then others. I do not know if I am being good to him or bad by trying to be genle and understanding? Maybe I should be tough to be kind as they say?

i also think that if he won't talk to you or his bro about his debt there seems little point in suggesting councelling, whats the chances of him saying yes? i guess you should be glad it's in his name and won't affect you financially.

I am an accountant by trade and was thinking about making a move up in my early stage career, but now concerned, I hear some employers now like to check a credit score. Although now it is the least of my worries.

Debtomaniak

hbl wrote:

Isn't £60,000 a perfectly good deposit on a smaller house? I think you may have highlighted the simplest route out of your predicament and may give you the opportunity to save your marriage. I hope that your husband snaps out of it, I really do, because inactivity in a situation like this is a mind-killer.

Don't let pride be a barrier, and there are plenty of people here to support you!

Thank you, I will be happy in a flat as long as we are together, but he doesn't seem to hear what I am saying no matter how much I say it. But then it is easy for me to say, because I am used to having nothing. He had a very good job, traveled the world. Bought what he wanted, got used to a good life and now it is hard to fall. May be I should just be more paitient with him? Sorry folks this is supposed to be a money matters forum and I keep going on about emotions.

hbl_2

Debtomaniak wrote:

Thank you, I will be happy in a flat as long as we are together, but he doesn't seem to hear what I am saying no matter how much I say it. But then it is easy for me to say, because I am used to having nothing. He had a very good job, traveled the world. Bought what he wanted, got used to a good life and now it is hard to fall. May be I should just be more paitient with him? Sorry folks this is supposed to be a money matters forum and I keep going on about emotions.

I think money and emotion are inextricably linked! It's a cliche that money can't buy you love, but it can make you bloody miserable.

I'm 26 and I have £32,000 in the red next to my name. It used to make my stomach flip at the thought of it, but I sat down, did some long sums and worked out that it's not so bad, and £400-£500 per month repayments will see shot of it in 5 years.

Better than having my student loan be just another tax coming out of my paycheck for the next 25 years.

Chrismojam

Hugs to you....

Haven't really got anything in the way of advice...other than what's been said already.........it comes down to communication and being able to open up really doesn't it?

I know how hard it can be for some people to 'own' up to themselves nevermind anyone else about their problems.............

Me........I have no problem talking about things and telling everyone everything....(far too honest for my liking...............should really keep some things private!!!:p )......but owning up to myself about a problem and doing something about it.............now that's a different matter:o

I also know how infuriatingly frustrating it is to have someone who doesn't talk about things...no matter how often or 'diplomatically' you try to address them.........it's just something they don't want to talk about....

My view is........and I know others have said he needs to get himself sorted.......he's only recently lost his brother.....I know he knew the debt was a problem beforehand.............but on top of everything..........he's going to be going through some complex emotions right now..........(you obviously love him or you wouldn't be standing by him)..........what with losing his job/brother/being so heavily in debt....

Be there and support him as much as and for as long as you feel you can.........but at some point he really will have to deal with this....lets hope its not too long in the future:rolleyes:

Was that any help? I've just read it and thought what a ramble:o

bikerqueen

no point remortgaging and moving until he realises he cant keep spending, or you'll find yourself in the same position with no way out.

wannabedebtfree_2

I think its really hard for the partner who has got themselves in debt to admit it to the other, I know they say a problem halved is a problem shared, but I was under enough stress without putting him through it too, my debt is considerably less than your OH's, but he probably feels/felt the same way I did, which was "I can cope with this on my own" & "I don't want this to cause arguments" & "I'm supposed to be th breadwinner/budgeter and I've let him down" (I've worked for the past 4 years, which is when my debt started, he's been the househusband/child carer) so give him time, say you want to help, and set and agree a plan of action, it will be hard if he is grieving, but it needs to be done.

*HUGS*

xx

Debtomaniak

Chrismojam wrote:

Hugs to you....

Haven't really got anything in the way of advice...other than what's been said already.........it comes down to communication and being able to open up really doesn't it?

I know how hard it can be for some people to 'own' up to themselves nevermind anyone else about their problems.............

Me........I have no problem talking about things and telling everyone everything....(far too honest for my liking...............should really keep some things private!!!:p )......but owning up to myself about a problem and doing something about it.............now that's a different matter:o

I also know how infuriatingly frustrating it is to have someone who doesn't talk about things...no matter how often or 'diplomatically' you try to address them.........it's just something they don't want to talk about....

My view is........and I know others have said he needs to get himself sorted.......he's only recently lost his brother.....I know he knew the debt was a problem beforehand.............but on top of everything..........he's going to be going through some complex emotions right now..........(you obviously love him or you wouldn't be standing by him)..........what with losing his job/brother/being so heavily in debt....

Be there and support him as much as and for as long as you feel you can.........but at some point he really will have to deal with this....lets hope its not too long in the future:rolleyes:

Was that any help? I've just read it and thought what a ramble:o

Thanks so much, it feels like I am "talking" to my very good old friends and we do not even know each other. Isn't it great that in this world there is still plenty of kind people. That alone just makes me feel like nothing matters and I will get there... Thank you for your advice, I think that is probably what my mum would have said to me if she knew about the problem. Think I might just back off a bit and let him come to me, rather then keep pushing him.
Thank you