£100,000 Debt "club"

Debtomaniak

Hi there,

I did post on this site sometime ago. A few month ago my husband confessed to me about the scale of his debt (around £100,000), thanks to some folks on this site helped me with a kind word at the shock stage. Now I am sort of getting used to the thought of what had happened to us (my hubby and me). I still struggle to make my husband get off his back side and do something about it. I have contacted few debt agencies as advised on this site, but of course it should be my husband calling them, as they would not talk to me, because Credit card debts in his name. Just wondering really if there is someone out there with simular amount of debt, maybe already half way there or just about getting help themselves? Perhaps we can go through this jorney virtually together and exchange info-not only financial, but ups and downs.

We have a house probably worth £250,000 and a mortgage £80,000 and of course the debt about £100,000. Still do not know the exact amount, my husband refuses to talk to me about it. I try to be there for him, but sometimes think to myself am I to soft? But than surely it is worth to pressurasi him? And sitting doing nothing is like watching everything you have slip away. Tryed to sell bits and bobs from home to raise some cash and pay at least tiny amount of our debt, but he would not let me touch a thing. Think to myself it should be him trying to do something. Where am I going wrong?
Sorry for spilling it all out here, probably not the right place, but do not know what else to do.

MCBIRNIE25

Hiya, my debts are nowhere near that level. Your hubby is in denial though, and drastic action will be required sooner rather than later.
I have a friend 210000 grand in debt, and his wife found out, mentioned divorce, he became like a man possessed.
Always here for support and advice, even though debts are nowhere near that huge.
Good Luck,
Mike.

lynzpower

Aww hello flower

Jeez it really sounds like you guys are right up against it. My debts piddling compared to yours but the stress I guess equals the same, we are all plodding through the ups & downs

I hope Im not speaking out of turn here, but if I were in your position I might think about relate. theres clearly a communication barrier somewhere, and it sounds like every approach you are trying is getting thwarted. It might be useful to get someone in to improve the communication, or even if he wont consider it, as an outlet for you.

Anyway, thats just my first thought.

But my second is hang around here, youll always be in good company

Hugs xxxx

Debtomaniak

MCBIRNIE25 wrote:

Hiya, my debts are nowhere near that level. Your hubby is in denial though, and drastic action will be required sooner rather than later.
I have a friend 210000 grand in debt, and his wife found out, mentioned divorce, he became like a man possessed.
Always here for support and advice, even though debts are nowhere near that huge.
Good Luck,
Mike.

I suppose there is only so much anyone can take and it well may come to having to mention a divorse. Thanks for your reply, makes me feel like I am not all alone.

Debtomaniak

lynzpower wrote:

Aww hello flower

Jeez it really sounds like you guys are right up against it. My debts piddling compared to yours but the stress I guess equals the same, we are all plodding through the ups & downs

I hope Im not speaking out of turn here, but if I were in your position I might think about relate. theres clearly a communication barrier somewhere, and it sounds like every approach you are trying is getting thwarted. It might be useful to get someone in to improve the communication, or even if he wont consider it, as an outlet for you.

Anyway, thats just my first thought.

But my second is hang around here, youll always be in good company

Hugs xxxx

Thanks. It defenetely feels like hitting against a brick wall. There was one person, whos advice my husband would listen to, his brother, who is very sadly passed away a month ago from bowel cancer. He is greatly missed, as my husband was attached to him and always listened to him. I was trying to make my hubby to tell his brother about the debt, but he is so stubborn would not say anything, and three month ago we found out about the cancer and in two month time that cancer killed what seemed to be a perfectly healthy man, never had anything wrong with him no pains, nothing. Sorry got a bit sidetracked.

Iriahm

hey, i guess it doesn't matter how much debt we have, the fact that it is so stressful and how it impacts are life is all the same whether its £10k or £100k.

Your husband's head is still buried in the sand and he needs to recognise what he's done/doing. Its like any problem, acknowledgement is the first step, but if he doesn't want to then its going to be tougher. You could sit down and do your state of affairs together and work out a spending budget for the household.

if you are financially related then this affects you (joint bank accounts, joint mortgage etc) and its not fair on you.

I think any debt management co would suggest you sell your house and downsize, paying off debts in one move. You also probably have too much equity for an IVA. others on here are more expert than i on this!

whatever happens stick around here, i'm addicted and love the challenges!!

lynzpower

Debtomaniak wrote:

Thanks. It defenetely feels like hitting against a brick wall. There was one person, whos advice my husband would listen to, his brother, who is very sadly passed away a month ago from bowel cancer. He is greatly missed, as my husband was attached to him and always listened to him. I was trying to make my hubby to tell his brother about the debt, but he is so stubborn would not say anything, and three month ago we found out about the cancer and in two month time that cancer killed what seemed to be a perfectly healthy man, never had anything wrong with him no pains, nothing. Sorry got a bit sidetracked.

Do you think your husband is depressed? Maybe he would benefit from seeing a counsellor himself, only what with the debt and losing his brother, to be honest, its no wonder he doesnt want to speak about it.

HUgs again

Debtomaniak

Iriahm wrote:

hey, i guess it doesn't matter how much debt we have, the fact that it is so stressful and how it impacts are life is all the same whether its £10k or £100k.

Your husband's head is still buried in the sand and he needs to recognise what he's done/doing. Its like any problem, acknowledgement is the first step, but if he doesn't want to then its going to be tougher. You could sit down and do your state of affairs together and work out a spending budget for the household.

if you are financially related then this affects you (joint bank accounts, joint mortgage etc) and its not fair on you.

I think any debt management co would suggest you sell your house and downsize, paying off debts in one move. You also probably have too much equity for an IVA. others on here are more expert than i on this!

whatever happens stick around here, i'm addicted and love the challenges!!

Thanks. On top of everything else, my hubby is unemployed. He has been out of work for 9 month, than managed to get a three month contract, which has finished a month ago. I am on £15K he is on benefits at the moment. We have not got a joint mortgage it is in his name, but obviously I share the costs with him. We have not got a joint account, but all money is going to one pot.
Just thinking loud, if we sold a house say for £250K less mortgage £80K, we would have £170K to pay the debt and to buy a place to live. By the time we pay our debt and take in to account buying/selling solicitors and other fees what can we get for a £60K this days? We will prabably have to rent, which I think is a waste of money, but haven't really got any other ideas.

Donedoingdebt

I agree with others here. Your OH has to take responsibility for what you say are mostly his debts. Creditors will not deal with you alone unless there is some legal or health reason whereby you can act on his behalf. But, why should you? There are supposed to be 2 of you in this relationship. You do have the safety net of the equity in your house should you wish to persue that. But that could be a double edged sword whereby his creditors could end up going to court to get charges put on the property. Others with more knowledge may be around to give you more specific advice.

kickingkay

lynzpower wrote:

Do you think your husband is depressed? Maybe he would benefit from seeing a counsellor himself, only what with the debt and losing his brother, to be honest, its no wonder he doesnt want to speak about it.

HUgs again

hi babes i agree with the above post, it sounds to me he is at the pit of despair and denial, he has lost someone whom he was extremly close to and probably sought advice from so now he doesnt know where to go,,,,,,,,,
you are doing an incredible job one which you must continue with keep the lines of communications open with hubby when he is ready he will turn to you im sure.
as you can see from my tag we too owe alot!:eek: :eek: :eek: , mine escalated from gambling when i was contacted from my brother to inform me our dad was dying from cancer, i couldnt deal with any of it none of it it was so hard i gambled to hide got it under control then when i heard that i couldnt cope i continued to gamble and screw up our lives til i had to stop and turn to help, (hadnt seem my dad since i was 18 we had fallen out some 14 yrs ago, so it was a very hard time for me), anyway it took me several attempts before i would tell hubby, i only wish i found this site a long time ago i cant recommend it enough
but if you fancy a buddy im here for you, we have a long journey ahead of us, i have a DMP with cccs and it is going to be a mortgage term before its paid off!
take care babes
Klare xx

Debtomaniak

lynzpower wrote:

Do you think your husband is depressed? Maybe he would benefit from seeing a counsellor himself, only what with the debt and losing his brother, to be honest, its no wonder he doesnt want to speak about it.

HUgs again

Thanks for hugs it is helping. I am not sure if he is depressed. He has ups and downs and I do not know how long I can go on for, but feel if I started to push him it would make things worse. So trying to read about debt councelling and bankruptcy and everything else, but him not letting me to help gets me down and I feel like giving up and just sinking with him.