£100,000 Debt "club"

blownalot

Hi
I have never posted here before but feel that this is the best forum for me.

I recently came clean to my wife that I had debts of £160k on credit cards, store cards, loans and overdrafts. I was terrified she would leave me but she has been a real star since I told her about it (initially she completely lost it with me because as she quite rightly said I have f**ked up our lives over this but after a few days she calmed down and said that she wants us to see this through together). Our relationship is still strained and I can tell that she doesn’t really trust me to have told her everything. She made me cut up all my credit cards in front of her and was straight on the phone to me at work yesterday when a replacement Amex card came – she thought I had opened a new account but it was just the replacement for the old one that expires at the end of July.

It wasn't easy to come clean and if I were to be honest I wouldn’t have done it when I did, only I had no money left so had no choice. I had got to the stage where no one would lend to me anymore except people who were going to charge me through the nose for it. I didn’t even realise how much I owed until I added it all up one month. I thought I owed about £80k and was shocked to find out the real figure. I guess that its part of the denial process that there is a problem that leads to this.

I didn't gamble it, I didn't do drugs but still I have managed to get through that much in the last few years and more besides (all our savings have gone too).

I too am an accountant. Are you qualified or still studying (you mention course books)? You also mentioned earlier in the thread that you were worried about being credit scored when applying for jobs. From my experience a lot of employers threaten to do it but don't actually do it. It also depends on what industry you are in / looking to get in to.

I am looking at getting out of the problem by doing an IVA for a couple of reasons.
1. As we don't own our property they can’t take it from us.
2. From what I have been able to find out I don't automatically lose my qualification which I would if I were to go bankrupt.
3. I can't face 15 years of living fairly meagrely or rather making my kids do it. 5 years and I am out of it.

I am still in the early stages of sorting out the IVA. At the moment its constant phone calls from creditors chasing me for money even though they know I cant pay what they want. This should stop when I get it in place but its taking ages to get there. I spoke to CCCS firstly and they referred me to Debt Free Direct who from what I have seen really couldn’t give a damn. CCCS were fine and have even acknowledged that there are long delays at Debt Free Direct at the moment. The problem is who else do you turn to? Most of the creditors have been fine about it they just want to be kept informed (some of them even offered me further loans to consolidate their debt!!). By the way I don't plan to tell my employer about the IVA - they don't need to know!

If I could give you one piece of advice it’s that your husband needs to talk and do something about it. I bottled it up for seven years as the problem grew and grew and grew. My work suffered my health suffered. It’s not good for you to keep it to yourself. I considered suicide as a route out several times because I knew my life insurance payout would fall outside my estate and therefore not be taken by the creditors (sad but I did actually check it out!). It would have made my wife better off than she was with me (money wise anyway) but would have left my three lovely kids without a father. How desperate had I become though that I would rather kill myself than talk to my wife because I thought she may leave me? Without meaning to sound ungrateful to her for all she has done – if she had left me I would still have had contact with the kids and still have had my friends but it would have been the wrong choice.

You have equity in your house so you can still do something about it. Doing nothing will only make it worse.

If you want I am happy to talk to either you or your husband further about this. I am by no means an expert but am willing to share my experiences.

Good Luck
BLOWNALOT

Justindebt

*big manly hug* for Blownalot.

I hope things work out for you.

Tell me, though......if you didn't gamble it, how did you run such a large amount up?

blownalot

I wish I could put my finger on where its gone or point at something and say thats it sitting over there but I cant. It all went on living a good life that I couldnt afford. Expensive holidays, weekend breaks away, a nice car, eating out a couple of times a week. It soon adds up. As someone said to my "living a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade salary". Thats what makes it harder now as everyone has been using it and not just me down at William Hills - if that were true than I would be the only one making life changes now.

lynzpower

Keeping the lines of communication and the love flowing is the most important thing is times of stress. Even if you cannot discuss things for whatever reason there are lots of other things you can do to show that the love and support is there. Tell him you love him, give him hugs , reassure him that with the strength of your love you can get through anything.

Another thing you can do is look to the future, it can get out of the stuckness of the present- where do we want to be this time next year, and do a spider diagram or even jsut a chit chat? Even things like "Id like to do a training course" - whats stopping me - money, lets see if the council run any courses for those unemplloyed, just things like that. Baby steps, and dont be afraid to focus on the positives it might feel liike you are getting nowhere but coming at the issue the other way around sometimes helps

Debtomaniak

Chrismojam wrote:

Oh don't be daft hun...I was only kidding........the realisation has set in that I have always been 'old in the head'....I need to find my youth!!:p

I am sure you can both get through this......so long as he comes round to trying to deal with it....you will both get through it........what is not fair is you trying to deal with it on your own......so long as you know he is at least trying/willing to try and sort things out...you will do it...I am sure........;)

Thank you, the thought of that we can do it, is what keeps me going.

Debtomaniak

Justindebt wrote:

I understand, Debtomaniak.

But don't forget I am no more than a mouse click and a phone call away if either you or him needs to talk to someone who knows exactly what is going on in your lives right now.

He is a lucky man to have such a caring woman by his side.

How did he get into this trouble....gambling, like me?

Yes, suppose it is gambling. He took out a huge loan some years ago and bought loads of shares, thought he would make thousands. And guess what happened? Yeah, shares just colapsed, they are worth nothing now, think toilet paper cost more. And of course three years later he got made redundant and since than had a trouble trying to get back to his type of work. But interest is a scary thing, just mounts up, as I am sure everyone knows. He has been transferring balances from one card to another, but got to the point where he cannot get 0% anymore. So now I am trying to help him out, never owed anyone a penny in my life and now started to take cards out, so that he can transfer his balances on to my 0% cards. So scary. Felt sick first time I had to activate card, but now trying not to think about it, just hope that soon we can sell a house and be free of the debt.

Sea78

Debtomaniak wrote:

So now I am trying to help him out, never owed anyone a penny in my life and now started to take cards out, so that he can transfer his balances on to my 0% cards. So scary. Felt sick first time I had to activate card, but now trying not to think about it, just hope that soon we can sell a house and be free of the debt.

Hi, welcome and sorry to hear about the tough times you've been having. Please please please please please STOP putting his debt in your name - he can approach lenders and see if they will give him low interest life of balance rates?? By taking on the debt like this means that he can continue to be in denial about his debt and his responsibilities. This isn't meant in a horrid way, I really do feel for you. All of me & OH's debt is in my name :mad: and I paid off a lot of his debt when we got together (when I didn't have debts:rolleyes: ). Just leads to problems....

Hugs to you

Sea xxx

Debtomaniak

lynsayjane wrote:

i presume the utilities are in his name then? perhaps if you mention it agian and he says about his ex, point out thats the situation he is putting you in, it shouldnt be a case of one boss or the other but a joint partnership.

i understand giving him space to sor this head out darling, but i fear that given too much space his debts will only increase and spiral out of control. it's difficult to deal with till he has his lightbulb moment. perhaps sticking the tv on one night when martins gonna be on some debt program in a 'oooh look this guy seems to know what eh's talking about. a website? maybe we should have a look?'

men are not wise creatures, they need to be subtley pointed in the right direction by the good woman in their lives (please dont all rush to rip my head off at once guys!)

Yes, all utility bills are in his name. I did tell him about Martin's website and we actually claimed endowment compensation thanks to Martin and his collegues we had just under £3000 cheque, which went against one of the credit cards. I am trying to get all of the information I can and this whole situaton I am sure doesn't leave his head as well as mine, although he doesn't want to talk about it. He had another slipless night, got up at 5.00 again. He asked me couple of questions this morning, so think maybe this process started already, just hope he carries on facing to it.

ZTD

Debtomaniak wrote:

So now I am trying to help him out, never owed anyone a penny in my life and now started to take cards out, so that he can transfer his balances on to my 0% cards. So scary. Felt sick first time I had to activate card, but now trying not to think about it, just hope that soon we can sell a house and be free of the debt.

Please be careful about that. It's OK doing things like that when you are both pulling together as a team, but since your OH is in denial, and hasn't put all his cards (both literally and figuratively) on the table, all you may be doing is putting off the day of reckoning.

You may make the situation worse, because you will have expended your ammunition against the debts as well.

Debtomaniak

Hi Blownalot,
thank you for sharing your story with us. My hubby though his debt was about £40K and when I insisted that he sut down and added it all up and told me the truth his face went grey/green colour when he saw the figure on the spreadsheet of £100K. He did say couple of times, that if he killed himself I would be better off. That sort of talk only makes things even harder, so I made sure I have not got to hear that again from him.
I am not qualified yet, but hope I will be soon. Still studying. I work localy and wanted to go to City, so that I can earn more and help my H. As well as grow in my career obviously, I am one of the lucky ones, I love accountancy and really do enjoy my work, (sorry must sound sad).