Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

con_fused

Hi all,

Well last night myself and hubby went out for a few drinks but I stuck to soft ones. He was drinking quite a lot as he was stressed at work.

Anyway we got home and he had been picking holes in me about various things, then confessed he was relying too much on drink, caffeine, red bull to get him through the day. He talked a lot about work and the work he does in schools with kids...

It was getting late so I said I'd better get to bed and he took hold of my hands and told me he wanted kids.....I hadn't seen this coming. I started crying.

I asked him if this was the reason he had wanted to have sex without a condom and he promised it wasn't.

I told him that I didn't want kids. I know I am young but they are not really a part of my life plan. Hubby said he had changed his mind and I said that that was fine, but it's not want I want. He started crying and then said that it was pretty much the end of us then as he really wants kids.

We both cried for an hour or so, I'm not really sure if this was a drunken conversation on his part so need to ask him today, but he was very upset. He said he couldn't imagine life without me, starting asking me who wanted the cat when we split up. I couldn't care about the cat at this stage to be honest!

I'm gutted, after everything I was worried about and it comes down to this...I still want us to go to Relate because I know they help with couples splitting up. Maybe I've not quite accepted that it IS over as I know he was really quite drunk, but it's not like he took back what he said. He recognised we were on different pages...

Sorry for the rant, I'm puffy-eyed this morning and can't be bothered with work but have to go just to get out of this place

divorcingjack

con_fused,

I just saw your post and wanted to say I'm sorry. Hugs.

You will probably feel numb at work today or perhaps swing between feeling like screaming and crying. Try and find yourself a mind numbing task you can do on your own - excel?

I'm so sorry for you, but there is still a lot of talking to be done. The fact that you are still communicating is good - Relate will help both of you even if it turns out your relationship can't be salvaged. The counselling may help you acheive closure and stop the bitterness.

Hugs, dj

Lotus-eater

Wanting or not wanting kids can ruin a perfect relationship, if you really don't want them, it may be better to set him free to be happy.

leanneq

I broke up with someone as they didn't want kids. I do.
I'm so sorry it's come to this but you have to let him go. I would very much doubt that this was just drunken words. This is him being honest.
Good luck. I don't see how relate would help either i'm afraid

beasygirl

Hi con-fused,

I read your thread as the title is what I seem to be feeling...

Firstly ((hugs)) for your situation, I know the feeling about being on a different page when it comes to marriage it's something I'm battling with at the moment.

I know it sounds like the end and if you're anything like me you won't want to just give up. Marriage for me was a huge commitment and something I only ever wanted to do once.

Did you ever try going to Relate? Reading the posts has made me think its something that maybe myself and DH need to think about. We both want different things and at the moment I can't see us coming up with a solution - if at all - without the help of a professional.

I'm at work this morning and feeling lousy like yourself, I hope you find the support you need from posting on here, feel free to pm if you think it will help. Take care xx

con_fused

Thanks for all your replies...

Beasygirl - we are still waiting to go to Relate. Hubby can't go this month as he's busy with work so we are having to wait until April.

I know it's not fair to keep him in a marriage when he wants one thing and I want another. I wouldn't do that to him - even if we get to Relate and this is confirmed, they do separation/divorce counselling and I want us to get that support.

Wow - I recognise that my life plan may not work out. I just do not want children. I want my freedom to do what I want in life, have a job, go out and do things. I don't want the tie of children. At the end of the day it would be ME staying at home looking after the kids because hubby would work...and I know I would resent that. I cannot sacrifice myself like that - I know that sounds melodramatic but I have given into people in past relationships and not been happy. I'm not doing it again. I cannot have kids to make HIM happy.

Last night when we were both sat there crying it made me realise how much I do care for him. I'm not sure if there is love in the sense of husband and wife, but there is still love there for him being someone I care so deeply for. And it hurt so much, and still does...

Before I left this morning he was just waking up and had a sore head. I asked him if he'd remembered what we talked about and he said yes but said he needed to go back to sleep to try and get rid of his bad head. I'm hoping we can talk later...it probably won't change anything but I'd rather we talk about this when he's sober.

Pee

I'm sorry.

You are right, you can't have children to please him any more than he can stop wanting to have children to please you.

You say that you would be at home with the children, and it sounds as though this would be the case.

nzmegs

This does sound like a deal breaker to me. I feel for you as this must have come out of the blue and could explain why this distance has been building up. Having kids is wonderful and something I knew I wanted from a very young age. I think if you have made up your mind you should stick with it.
You can expect to put your life on hold for around 5-10 years if you have a child which for me was very hard. I had been to university, studied hard, built up a career and then gave it all up and I did resent it at times. And that was when i had wanted kids. If I hadn't wanted them, i hate to think how i would have felt about it.
Having said all this, a marriage is not something to walk away from due to one issue. there may still be compromise (he stays home with the children, or you wait 5 more years to see if anything changes for you) and you have until your 40's to decide on children. there is no rush. But if other issues are still there and the love has gone then a managed and amicable split may be the best option.

Try not to see it as the end of something, but the chance for a new start.

pelirocco

If he wants kids so much , why is he always going out ( and staying out ) and generally behaving like a single man ..............sorry OP , but something doesnt ring true with what hes saying

mistrihelen

It is a bit odd that he's out partying and wants kids, but maybe he's seeing it as his time to have fun before they come.

But I'm not sure I'd want to have kids with someone who goes out on 'his money' anyway, when by now you're a unit. Because what would happen if you did miraculously change your mind - would he still be the one 'working hard' so going out because he 'deserved it'. Would you be the one left looking after his kids?

Of course this is all irrelevant as it does, to be honest, sound as if you're going in different directions and you don't want children anyway.

It's sad and it does sound as if there's some lingering affection there, but you sound so different. It would take a very strong connection to get past the different things that you want.

I hope Relate can ease the way, whatever happens.