Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

con_fused

Primrose wrote: »

You really are playing with fire if you're in a relationship which you assert is breaking down and you are having sex without protection.
And you worry me even more when you state that you're studying Counselling at university, presumably to qualify to counsel others on their personal problems, and you're exposing yourself to the same risk that you would be advising potential clients to avoid, i.e. getting trapped in a potentially loveless relationship because you are pregnant.

I don't know where you got the idea from that we were having sex without protection, because we're not. DH wanted to have sex without a condom but I refused, for the reason that I do not want to get pregnant.

I am waiting to have a coil fitted and I explained to DH that it I understand it must be frustrating for him to have to use a condom but I've had to wait 6 weeks to make sure the effects of the pill had properly worn off (that was the Dr's advice). It would be nice for him to exercise some patience.

con_fused

Pee wrote: »

From his point of view, the story might go something like this. I met a great girl. She came out with my friends, came drinking with us until all hours, a really good laugh. I knew she was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I married her. Once I got married, she seems to have changed. She is more interested in Uni, she is always busy and/ or tired and doesn't have any time for me/ having fun. Now she is trying to get me to stay in more. Where is that fun loving girl I first met?

Might that be what he is thinking?

Would it be an idea to have one night a week, this week it can be his turn and he can choose where you go, out with his mates drinking probably, but next week it is your turn - you might cook a meal together and take some time to really be together. No thoughts of work or Uni for either of you.

Well I certainly don't try to get him to stay in more. If he says he is going out I say 'ok'. I don't guilt-trip him or anything.

I like it when we go out for meals together as we get a chance to sit and talk so yes, suggesting that we make time once a fortnight or so to do this would be a good idea.

The forms have gone off to Relate so we'll wait to hear from them.

con_fused

nzmegs wrote: »

from what you have said you seem to do alot of th talking in theis relationship - you often say "i have talked to him about..." perhaps he needs the chance to say what his feelings are.

I tend to talk more about my feelings, yes. But DH has said before he prefers to think about things to himself and not talk about them. He's said 'we can't all be as open as you'. So not sure what else I can do?

determined_new_ms

I wonder if he feels threatened and jealous that you are at uni and doing something different? When I went to uni I lived with my best friend of 7 years. We started to grow apart and I felt really sad that she wasn't as interested in my life and what was going on for me as she had been in the past and I still was for her life. For example one day when she came home we were catching up, she was telling me about her day, things she'd done, people she'd spoken to. Then when I starte dto tell something that had happened earlier in the day she turned her head to the TV and totally tuned out! Years later I was having a discussion with a mutual friend who said she was really upset that I was developing new friends and interests. But she never told me that so I interpreted it as she wasn't interested in me.

I also think - please everyone don't holler at me for this - that being intimate is a major thing for guys (god I hate making such generalisation! Nd I'm not saying its not really important for women either) and can think sex equals love, so he may be thinking you are no longer interested in him so is going out to fill that void.

Ithink relationships are about conpromise and maybe with going to relate you can find a middle ground? If going out and socialising with your old socila group is important to him maybe you can work out a system where you can do that with him x often and then do other stuff that you prefer x often?

con_fused

Thanks, when we had our chat we recognised that there was no 'middle ground'.

Problem is, I don't have much spare cash to go out. I have £30 per month budget on going out as I am paying out for uni, so going out will be very difficult. If he wants to pay for me then fine (!) as he earns more than me and tends to spend about £50 everytime he goes out, but I can't afford it.

He said he feels unimportant for the reason of us not having sex. I appreciate this and to be honest I wouldn't blame him if he'd gone off with someone else. But I need to feel loved and important in order to be intimate with him - I just have no urge at all to be intimate. I feel numb really - that's why I thought it might be the pill but it obviously isn't

determined_new_ms

Con_fused, you sound really low, have u thought aout speaking to your doctor?

con_fused

I am having my own personal therapy (it's a requirement of the uni course) which is helping me offload.

After uni on Wednesday I ended up crying to a fellow student as I felt a total failure. I felt better after releasing all my pent up feelings though.

I think I still feel angry about things that have happened and resent him for these. I feel that he shurks responsibility - as long as he's having a good time then sod her indoors. But this all relates back to me feeling unimportant and I know that I am important, whereas a couple of years ago I thought I was pretty worthless and maybe now that is why I am not going to take this anymore. I'm not saying he's abusive, this is only my side of the story, but I feel he's very selfish.

Maybe we need to sit down again and just keep talking because DH has said he can't go to Relate until April as he is busy with work.

Lotus-eater

con_fused wrote: »

Thanks, when we had our chat we recognised that there was no 'middle ground'.

Problem is, I don't have much spare cash to go out. I have £30 per month budget on going out as I am paying out for uni, so going out will be very difficult. If he wants to pay for me then fine (!) as he earns more than me and tends to spend about £50 everytime he goes out, but I can't afford it.

Eh?

Whatever happened to for richer or poorer, we're married, what's mine is yours etc......
Just what the f*** is going on there, he can go out with his money. Is this what he thinks as well?
You're supposed to be a team, living, working, making a home together, pooling all resources.
It's not like your teenagers, or only just married.

This is not as it should be.

con_fused wrote: »

He said he feels unimportant for the reason of us not having sex. I appreciate this and to be honest I wouldn't blame him if he'd gone off with someone else. But I need to feel loved and important in order to be intimate with him - I just have no urge at all to be intimate. I feel numb really - that's why I thought it might be the pill but it obviously isn't

Well first things first, most women are the same, nothing unusual about you at all. And most men are the same as him as well.
I reckon if anyone ever owns up to designing the human male and female, they need a damn good kicking for having such a funny joke at our expense.

You need to tell him how you feel until he understands it, that may take a loooong time I'm afraid, I only learnt because of not being a Mr Clooney look alike, I had to learn other ways of getting females to like me.

How about this. Get him to agree a date in April with Relate, tell him you both need to be treated nicely until then by the other person. Have one night a week where you will be together, doing something you both like.

You have to understand there is a middle ground, just neither of you can see where it will be yet. Relate will hopefully help that.

SailorSam

This is a relate site where you can do online questionaire /self assessment / tests, perhaps get your head around things
Home | RelateBetter

jennieshrew

I'm slightly scared to post this as I dont want to come accross as a crazy religious person but my husband and I went on a marriage course at church. It wasnt religious at all and we found it was such a brilliant course it transformed our marriage. I was amazed that my OH agreed to go on the course but its fab cos you just talk to each other, no group discussions. There is a book which goes with the course which is equally brilliant if you dont want to go on the course. http://relationshipcentral.org/marriage-course