Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

belfastgirl23

how old are you both?

con_fused

Hi, thanks for your replies.

I'm 29 (30 this year) and DH is 27 (28 this year). We've been married for 18 months and have actually been together for 3.5 years. We lived together for about 18 months before we got married. It was about 8 months after meeting that we moved in together - we werewere really happy at this stage.

Our relationship has changed a lot, probably because I have changed a lot. I used to be very clingy to DH, very insecure. He said this annoyed him but at the same time he felt 'needed'. I also used to back down to what he wanted. Now I am much more self-assured and don't back down if I am standing up for myself and maybe this is where the friction has come from.

Regarding contraception I am waiting to be fitted for a coil so that is why I'm not back on the pill. I have said previously to DH that I understand his frustration but it's only a few more weeks to wait. The fact that he doesn't seem to have any patience on this is frustrating for me.

We both recognise that we have played a part in how things are now. Obviously you're only hearing my point of view, but he does fail to recognise the link between not being happy with other aspects of our relationship relating to me not wanting to be intimate.

There are other things that have happened which has broken my trust in him, not sure if it's worth going into them here as it will sound like I'm just laying into him. But these things have added up and contributed to the way I feel now.

richardw

con_fused wrote: »

There are other things that have happened which has broken my trust in him.

Is there any chance of regaining the trust?

con_fused

Maybe.....he lied to me about something pretty early on in the relationship. Well it was a few things, and the stories changed over time so I knew he was lying.

I confronted him about it and he apologised but he had put me at risk and not got the balls to tell me. I guess I'm still angry about it and the fact that again, he didn't take responsibility.

*max*

con_fused wrote: »

He went out the other week for drinks and said he'd be back by about midnight, and I didn't get a text until 2am to say he'd be staying over at a mate's house. I don't mind the fact he stayed out late and round the mate's house, but I asked why he couldn't just send me a quick text to let me know what was happening? He must have known at midnight that he'd be out for the duration. Anyway, he does this a lot, also tends not to let me know if he's working late

Any chance he might be having an affair....?

con_fused

No, well I don't think so! He's done this sort of thing for a long time, it's not just happened over the last few weeks/months.

Lotus-eater

con_fused wrote: »

Maybe.....he lied to me about something pretty early on in the relationship. Well it was a few things, and the stories changed over time so I knew he was lying.

I confronted him about it and he apologised but he had put me at risk and not got the balls to tell me. I guess I'm still angry about it and the fact that again, he didn't take responsibility.

What, before you were married you mean?

con_fused

Yeah he lied when we first got together but I didn't actually find out it was a lie until after we were married, although I thought it was a bit suspicious that his stories changed.

Maybe I should have questioned things more, but I was an insecure person and didn't have the guts to bring it up.

clairehi

con_fused wrote: »

He says he doesn't think he can have fun with me anymore

...
Anyway, he suggested we go to Relate so we're waiting for them to send us some forms. I just feel quite negative about it all really. The counselling may just reinforce the fact that we're different and it won't work. I know it could bring us closer together but that seems a long way off right now.


Thanks

I think its encouraging that he has suggested you go to Relate as he is willing to try and find a solution. (I suspect not many guys would initiate this).

I think you do need to find a way to have fun together...this is so important in any relationship otherwise you just become flatmates.

my first reaction was to blame your OH for being a bit of a lad and just wanting to go out on the pop, while you are the one who has grown up and moved on from that. But he may feel a bit pushed out of your life if all your attention is on work and Uni.

I think you already know the answer to this, you and he need to find some new common interests that you can share together on a regular basis. This may take time and effort to work through and you will both need to prioritise this above other things. going on holiday is nice but when youve come back from holiday has anything changed?

He also needs to realise that Uni will not go on forever although it may be very time consuming at the moment.

If you can sort this out now then in the future if you have kids, you may have almost exactly the same problem but hopefully will know how to sort it out.

con_fused

I guess he may feel pushed out by uni but he has admitted that he has become more work orientated so we've both become very focused on what we are doing.

Maybe we've been so 'tunnel vision' about our own stuff that we've forgotten about the bigger picture, i.e. our marriage.

We don't have the money to go on holiday anyway and you're right, we need to be able to have things to do together here at home because going on holiday doesn't solve what is missing.

And as for kids.....we decided from day one of being together that we didn't want them so no need to worry about that!