Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

con_fused

Hi all, posting under another name as I think DH knows my username here.

We've only been married for 18 months and have reached 'breaking point', or so it seems.

We had a long chat last night (about an hour and a half) and laid our cards on the table. We both agree that had we met each other now, we wouldn't go out with each other. He thinks I have become too serious and I think he is childish. I asked if he thinks we should have got married and he said he thought it may have been too soon - when it was him that pushed for it. We went through a bad patch a few months before the wedding and I suggested we put it on hold at which point he said if we didn't get married this year, he wouldn't want to marry me at all. Maybe I should have read the signs

I have been studying a counselling course at uni which has changed me. I have become a lot more confident and sure of myself. I don't have a lot of money because I am paying towards the uni fees. I work full-time in addition to uni and most days I am tired during the week so I don't go out with DH and our friends much anymore. But to be honest, I like it that way. He has changed as well - become more work orientated. We are poles apart really.

He on the other hand likes to go out and drink and just be where the action is. This is fair enough but there seems to be no middle ground and we haven't been making the effort to spend time together. He says he doesn't think he can have fun with me anymore

I feel unimportant and it's little things he does (or doesn't do) that have given me this message that I don't matter to him. He went out the other week for drinks and said he'd be back by about midnight, and I didn't get a text until 2am to say he'd be staying over at a mate's house. I don't mind the fact he stayed out late and round the mate's house, but I asked why he couldn't just send me a quick text to let me know what was happening? He must have known at midnight that he'd be out for the duration. Anyway, he does this a lot, also tends not to let me know if he's working late so I'm left wondering where he is or whether I need to cook for two or just myself. I just feel there's a lack of respect.

When we talked and I told him this he said 'You're not my mum' and I asked him if I went out and didn't come home when I said I would, and didn't bother telling him what was happening, would he wonder where I was. And he said yes...so I rest my case

We haven't been intimate for ages. I thought it might be my pill so came off the pill and there was no effect. So it must be psychological and I think well, if I'm feeling unimportant in the relationship then why would I want to be intimate with him. If he can't respect me in other areas of our marriage then us being intimate just smacks to me of him just wanting me for sex

Anyway, he suggested we go to Relate so we're waiting for them to send us some forms. I just feel quite negative about it all really. The counselling may just reinforce the fact that we're different and it won't work. I know it could bring us closer together but that seems a long way off right now.

Just wanted to offload and get people's opinions really.

Thanks

Any

Well, if it will reinforce the fact that you are going different direction then at least you will know for sure that you are doing the right thing.

Do you still have strong feelings for him? Can you imagine your life without him?

From what you are saying it seems that you have nothing in common and sometimes divorce is the best way to go.
Or by going to Relate you might find out that he is acting like he is because he feels that you don't care any more and is trying to get some reaction.

totallybonkers

If you've come off the pill make sure you don't get pregnant...but then again if you're not being intimate theres not much chance of that

diable

You've just reached that crunch point and your other half thinks life is all a game and a lark but when you are married or living with someone then you have commitments and set yourselves achievable goals for the future ie children, nicer car, nicer house etc. Maybe you are too serious as you are studying but that is understandable but once Uni fees are paid then you will loosen up.

One think your other half doesn't realise is that you don't need to go out to a club/pub to have fun, maybe he needs to grow up.

Sorry for rambling on and hopefully you'll get some good advice from other posters on here.

con_fused

totallybonkers wrote: »

If you've come off the pill make sure you don't get pregnant...but then again if you're not being intimate theres not much chance of that

No, not much chance. But on the last few occasions that we did try to be intimate, he wanted to have sex 'for a little bit' without a condom. This put me in a really awkward position. I felt like I was being forced to do something I didn't want to do.

I didn't want to upset him by saying no because he would have got the ump (hates using condoms) but I would be the one facing the consequences. And it seems that this is his attitude. He doesn't take responsibility. It didn't happen anyway coz I managed to tell him nicely that we 'really should use a condom'. I pointed this out to him when we had our chat, that it put me off being intimate because I thought it would happen again.

con_fused

Any wrote: »

Well, if it will reinforce the fact that you are going different direction then at least you will know for sure that you are doing the right thing.

Do you still have strong feelings for him? Can you imagine your life without him?

From what you are saying it seems that you have nothing in common and sometimes divorce is the best way to go.
Or by going to Relate you might find out that he is acting like he is because he feels that you don't care any more and is trying to get some reaction.

That's the problem, I'm not really sure if I love him anymore. I care about him but I know I would be ok on my own. I'm hoping that we can put some passion back into our relationship and not just sexually, but just having a laugh together again.

con_fused

diable wrote: »

You've just reached that crunch point and your other half thinks life is all a game and a lark but when you are married or living with someone then you have commitments and set yourselves achievable goals for the future ie children, nicer car, nicer house etc. Maybe you are too serious as you are studying but that is understandable but once Uni fees are paid then you will loosen up.

One think your other half doesn't realise is that you don't need to go out to a club/pub to have fun, maybe he needs to grow up.

Sorry for rambling on and hopefully you'll get some good advice from other posters on here.

This is how I feel - that he needs to grow up

But maybe that is where we differ now. We both used to go out a lot together with friends and each other, drinking and having a laugh. But I don't feel the need to go out a lot and prefer not to. I am happy in my own company. I'm not a loner but I don't need people around me, whereas DH does. He said he doesn't feel I am a part of his group of friends anymore.

Katie-Kat-Kins

You know the early years of marriage are often the hardest. There is nothing awful going on here you just aren't getting on too well. This can be sorted if you are both prepared to work through it and agree your basic rules for living.

Going to relate is a good idea.

I'd suggest making a date night each week so that you can both grow to appreciate eachother again. You make it a regular night each week and take turns to plan something to do together whether it be the cinema, the pub, a restaurant, candle lit dinner at home, picnic etc The key is that you make an effort to do something, that it is together, and that it involves spending quality time. Don't worry about sex but do try to make an effort to look good etc (it is easy when you are busy and married to let things slide).

I'd also try to agree some ground rules between you for things like letting the other know when you will be home. My DH and I have fought about this before, it comes down to agreeing on what you expect and need.

If coming off the pill hasn't helped with the sex drive why not go back on the pill so that you can both relax a bit more when sex is on the cards, you do not need more stress in this area.

I'd try and book a holiday together so you can relax and spend some real time together for a week or so.

It is so easy to start to take each other for granted and to not really talk when you are in a settled relationship and it can feel like you are ships that pass in the night but a bit of effort can put this back on track.

Don't give up and start thinking about divorce, be prepared to work for your marriage and your happiness, there was obviously something there or you wouldn't have married, you just need to reclaim it.

clairehi

good ideas from Katie

How old are you both and how long have you been together, were you living together before you got married?

the "youre not my mum" type comment is extremely childish and disrespectful. you did the right thing by turning it back on him.

Lotus-eater

con_fused wrote: »

No, not much chance. But on the last few occasions that we did try to be intimate, he wanted to have sex 'for a little bit' without a condom. This put me in a really awkward position. I felt like I was being forced to do something I didn't want to do.

I didn't want to upset him by saying no because he would have got the ump (hates using condoms) but I would be the one facing the consequences. And it seems that this is his attitude. He doesn't take responsibility. It didn't happen anyway coz I managed to tell him nicely that we 'really should use a condom'. I pointed this out to him when we had our chat, that it put me off being intimate because I thought it would happen again.

For a start, go and get some advice from the doctors or whoever and get on some contreception.
Getting pregnant now by the sound of it, would be the worst thing that could happen.

You don't explain enough for me to see the whole relationship, but I suspect his side would be completely different, but just as much "it's not my fault" directioned.

A marriage doesn't have to be both partners enjoying the same thing, or being together all the time. But obviously there has to be respect, the throw away comment "you're not my Mum" isn't very nice and hints at undercurrents from his side.

I've had no experience with Relate, but it may give you another aspect to both of your POV's.
Alternatively sit down and try to discuss it, try to get out what's really wrong.

You've obviously changed, he may be wondering where his fun loving, goes out all the time and get tipsy together partner has gone. Your wondering why he hasn't grown up.


I've realised I've not given much real advice... every relationship is different, every way of sorting it out is different, what works for one couple, won't work with another. Talking and having love and respect are the only real constants to having a happy relationship.

Chinkle

I think it's good that you have recognised early on that things aren't going great. Marriage does need to be worked at from time to time and Relate can help you do this.

I think it depends on what kind of foundations your relationship has, and it's difficult to gauge this from your post. If it's strong enough, some guidance from Relate and just instigating some simple practical things such as KKK suggested can help you get back on track.

I hope you can find a way through this - and as mentioned do get some proper contraception lined up as a pregnancy sounds like a really bad idea right now