Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

nzmegs

Men have the expectation that their lives will go on as they always have done. In fact wopmen are much more likely to want change in their marriages and are more likely to initiate divorce proceedings. This indicates that men "like" marriage.
But you have changed from the person he married and this has put the cat among the pigeons. He doesn't know quite how to relate to you any more. it doesn't mean he doesn't still love you - and I suspect he still does.

Men find that sex is important to their relationship (so do women - for different reasons) and think that not having sex means you don't love them anymore. This obvioulsy isn't true but I would say he is thinking it.

I think that 3 years into your relationship, sex should still be a big part. you don't have children, few responsibilities, the opportunity and the youth to enjoy your lives. if you can connect again on an intimate level your relationship generally will improve.

As you have started to learn more about relationships through your studies you might havae started to think more about the dynamics of a male female relationship and feel that his sexual behaviour is not respectful towards you. This can easily make you feel that you would rather not do it at all. You need to tell him what you find acceptable and what you don't and he will feel more relaxed that he isn't going to do anything which might destroy the moment.

from what you have said you seem to do alot of th talking in theis relationship - you often say "i have talked to him about..." perhaps he needs the chance to say what his feelings are.

Good luck. Because being married can be wonderful. Not perfect, but worth the effort.

euronorris

con_fused wrote: »

And as for kids.....we decided from day one of being together that we didn't want them so no need to worry about that!

Could he possibly have changed his mind about this? I only ask because you mentioned that he wanted to have sex 'for a little bit', after you had come off the pill, without using a condom.

I just wonder if he was thinking 'Well, it wouldn't be a bad thing if she fell pregnant'.

I could of course, be completely wrong, but as you're both still young there is a chance that he and/or you will change your minds.

Gemsgalore

euronorris wrote: »

Could he possibly have changed his mind about this? I only ask because you mentioned that he wanted to have sex 'for a little bit', after you had come off the pill, without using a condom.

I just wonder if he was thinking 'Well, it wouldn't be a bad thing if she fell pregnant'.

I could of course, be completely wrong, but as you're both still young there is a chance that he and/or you will change your minds.

Well noticed Norris

I have to say that although I know they are a necessary evil these days, condoms really are a passion killer. When my OH had to use them for a while, by the time he'd got it on, the soldier was 'at ease'

euronorris

Gemsgalore wrote: »

Well noticed Norris

I have to say that although I know they are a necessary evil these days, condoms really are a passion killer. When my OH had to use them for a while, by the time he'd got it on, the soldier was 'at ease'

Thanks.

And yeah, I know. They are definitely a passion killer, but, if OP's OH wanted to have s'x that badly before the coil is fitted then I imagine he would use one, no? Which is why I'm wondering if he's changed his mind about kids but doesn't know how to bring it up.

Oh, and OP, don't forget that there are other ways to have fun in the bedroom without requiring a condom

Primrose

You really are playing with fire if you're in a relationship which you assert is breaking down and you are having sex without protection.
And you worry me even more when you state that you're studying Counselling at university, presumably to qualify to counsel others on their personal problems, and you're exposing yourself to the same risk that you would be advising potential clients to avoid, i.e. getting trapped in a potentially loveless relationship because you are pregnant.

Your counselling training will be changing you perhaps more than you realise in that it has made you more self aware and probably is giving you more self confidence to be yourself, rather than necessarily always accommodating the needs of others.

What worked with your husband beforehand may no longer now be working for either of you. Perhaps your daily lives have just become too intense because of your studying and you have both forgotten how to make a little time for yourselves to enjoy being together.

I think you should take up the Relate suggestion and see where it leads you. Some more honest discussions between you seem to be needed to sort out whether you both feel you've still got enough common glue in your relationship to stay together. If you're really are starting to move in different directions because this is where your hearts and your personalities are leading you, then perhaps it is time to split. But if this is the case, don't argue about it. Try to do it in an amicable and courteous way. It will make life far less stressful for you both.

Lotus-eater

euronorris wrote: »

Oh, and OP, don't forget that there are other ways to have fun in the bedroom without requiring a condom

Please explain?

I know when I used to make water balloons out of condoms and throw them out of the window at passers by, that was fun.
I suppose I could use those long balloons you make into little balloon doggies..... is that what you meant?


:whistle:

maggied_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Please explain?

I know when I used to make water balloons out of condoms and throw them out of the window at passers by, that was fun.
I suppose I could use those long balloons you make into little balloon doggies..... is that what you meant?


:whistle:

I'm almost certain that's the kind of thing Euronorris was getting at.

As you were.

Lotus-eater

maggied wrote: »

I'm almost certain that's the kind of thing Euronorris was getting at.

As you were.

Phew, some of the stuff on here, goes straight over my head you know.

I think it's something to do with my small male intellect.

Pee

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. I think it's a very good sign that he has suggested Relate. Doesn't sound to me like he is ready to give up without an effort, and neither are you.

The issues from the start of the relationship have to be put into the past and forgotten. If you can't do that, then you will never be happy together. I don't know whether they can be, I just know that if you don't it will continue to cause problems in the marriage.

Looking at it from your point of view, the not calling or texting to let you know where he is is rubbish. provided you wouldn't get cross with him, he has no excuse for this. He should let you know whether he will be home for meals and at a reasonable time whether he will be home to sleep. Whether he is home for meals or to sleep is up to him, to a certain degree, but letting you know is important. The fact that you are feeling unloved and unwanted also needs to be addressed. It doesn't sound as though this is the case, suggesting Relate, but he needs to make you feel important.

Refusing intimacy without a condom is fine, refusing intimacy as some form of female strike is damaging to the relationship - intimacy might help make you feel loved. (I would echo the "please be careful and don't get pregnant!")

From his point of view, the story might go something like this. I met a great girl. She came out with my friends, came drinking with us until all hours, a really good laugh. I knew she was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I married her. Once I got married, she seems to have changed. She is more interested in Uni, she is always busy and/ or tired and doesn't have any time for me/ having fun. Now she is trying to get me to stay in more. Where is that fun loving girl I first met?

Might that be what he is thinking?

Would it be an idea to have one night a week, this week it can be his turn and he can choose where you go, out with his mates drinking probably, but next week it is your turn - you might cook a meal together and take some time to really be together. No thoughts of work or Uni for either of you.

I hope you find some room to compromise and work it all out, but like you said, yu know that you could cope on your own, too.

Gemsgalore

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I think it's something to do with my small male.............. intellect.

Phew......thought you were about to post an entirely new problem there Lotus