Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

con_fused

Thanks for your replies:-

Lotus-Eater: this may sound strange for a married couple but we don't have a joint bank account. DH is bad with money, he earns a good wage each month but the majority he spends on going out (about £50 a time). I wouldn't want to have our money put together because I fear he'd spend it all before the essentials had been paid. I've said he could save money by making his own lunch for work, but that never really happened. I tried helping him with it but I got fed up because I thought that HE needs to take some responsibility. I'm fed up of thinking for him.

Our money is very separate. We pay 50/50 to all the bills but he has more spare than I do due to his income. He does offer to pay for me occasionally when I say I have no money but not all the time, and I wouldn't expect this because I don't want to scrounge.

SailorSam - thanks for that questionnaire but it asks for credit card details at the end

Jennieshrew - I will take a look at the link, thanks. Neither DH nor myself are religious but it may be something to consider. Thank you

Lotus-eater

Well we haven't got a joint bank account either, but it doesn't mean that we think of the money in our respective bank accounts as "ours individually", it just is money that's there to be used however we both agree.
If I'm wasting money (and I do) I expect my OH to tell me (not nagging) and vice versa.
I think I'm very lucky, we can talk about anything, we do have arguments of course, this is the way I wanted it to be when we moved in together, I couldn't live together, but apart.

con_fused

See I don't feel that I can tell DH about him wasting his money. I have tried talking to him before and got a childish response, although maybe I need to change the way I broach it.

He said during our chat, that he worked hard and he rewarded himself by going out and having fun. I don't resent that, but it's not as easy for me to go out now.

determined_new_ms

There's lots of stuff u can do for a reall small amount of money, look thru the forum for inspiration. Spending time doing stuff together having fun will help you rebond and make the niggles better and will probably increase your desire to be intimate again. If he wants to go to Relate it implies he wants it to work, u guys need to be able to communicate about ur relationship, but you need fun as well, relationships need to be more than discussing problems, but u need to do that too.

SailorSam

Sorry about that con-fused, i didn't read it, i just surfed for something that sounded as if it may be of help. Didn't know they were going to ask for money.
Good luck and keep smiling, hope things work out.

con_fused

No worries, you weren't to know. They didn't ask for payment until I'd completed all the questions!


DH went out Friday night and told me he'd be late home and not sure what time. He then text me at 3am to tell me he'd be staying over at a mates so there has been some progress. I had a little cry with him yesterday. Didn't say anything other than we love each other and had a long hug.

We had a little chat last night. He has mentioned a trial separation for a couple of weeks on a few occasions to see how we feel. I think that might be a good idea but I'd prefer us to go to Relate first and bring it up there. He had spoken to a friend who had been having marriage problems as well and this mate had said Relate had really helped them.

I think I just need to be more positive. I was so low last week and it's on my mind all of the time. but I need to look ahead to when we go to Relate.

grey_lady

Sorry but if he's staying out whole nights, talking about trial seperations then he thinks its over or at least in serious trouble. I would be suprised if you stay together, you dont have kids or joint finances, you're still young and if you feel that you would be happier apart then i think you should consider biting the bullet and seperating. Why spend your life trapped in a loveless/miserable relationship?

But I think going to Relate is a good idea.

con_fused

Maybe he does think it's over, and I am prepared to face that if it happens. But I would rather say we'd tried by going to Relate rather than jacking it in without making an effort.

bylromarha

con_fused

***hugs***

It sounds like you've grown apart and have both stopped investing time in your marriage. You now find yourself in this sitation where you've both realised that things aren't right.

Do you both want to try to make it work? Are you both willing to put some time and effort in to make the changes that need to be made? Having read post 47, it sounds like he still loves you, you obviously still love him, so that is the best place to start from. "love means never having to say you're sorry" is a myth. Sounds like you both have lots of forgiveness to give and ask of each other and some behaviours need to change.

Marriage can be hard work at times and you both always need to put effort into your marriage, daily, otherwise the relationship does become going through the motions with each doing their own thing.

Glad you're both up for Relate - hope it goes well. If your local Relate has a long list, please consider a marriage course mentioned in post 41. It's likely to be run by your local church, but in no way is religious, nothing mentioned about God. The format is a person talking about one aspect of marriage and you and your OH are sitting at a private table talking about how what you've just heard can be applied to your life - no strangers interferring unless you specifically ask them for help. If you have God TV via freeview, you can often catch the talks on there, and they'll give you questions to start off the conversation with your OH.

con_fused

I think I personally have to deal with my issues of trust with him. He lied to me about something important early on into us seeing one another and didn't have the balls to tell me. I ended up worrying over my health as he told me different things over the years we have been together which put doubts in my mind until finally the truth came out a few months ago.

I think that I need to bring this up with him if nothing but to tell him how carp it was him lying and that I think this contributed in me not wanting to be intimate with him.

We've both been at fault here, not communicating with one another and leaving things to fester until we reach this point. So it's time that I start opening up to him and maybe it will help him understand from my point of view. Whether he talks to me is down to him, I cannot make someone open up who isn't normally like that.