Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

Karen_30

Hi,

Just wanted to post and send you big hugs - I hope you are holding up ok.

It sounds as though perhaps you have both come to realise that you want different things and perhaps the fact that your husband has realised this has just sent him into this downwards spiral of not knowing what to do or say.....now he has, albeit whilst drunk, but perhaps being drunk gave him the courage to say it (if that makes any sense?).

Totally with you in that if you don't want children then you shouldn't etc - BUT....I have a friend that was exactly like you, in fact your words were pretty much as she said - anyhow she split up with her partner for same reasons and then moved on etc, met someone else and then decided that she wanted children (with her now husband) - sometimes it can be the person you are with.....sorry if this makes no sense at all but I hope you get what I mean.....that said you sound certain that you don't want children now or with husband and he does - if you carry on being togther knowing this, likelyhood is that he'll resent you for it down the line. Perhaps as others said, it is fairer to let him go now.

I really hope you both come through this ok, sounds as though neither of you want to let go and are very sad.

Wishing you all the best, xx

Lotus-eater

pelirocco wrote: »

If he wants kids so much , why is he always going out ( and staying out ) and generally behaving like a single man ..............sorry OP , but something doesnt ring true with what hes saying

Yes, men tend to forget the second you get married you have to start acting like your Dad.

I don't see why men or women should act like they have kids, when they haven't.

Respect and acting like a 2 person family unit are something else completely.

pelirocco

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Yes, men tend to forget the second you get married you have to start acting like your Dad.

I don't see why men or women should act like they have kids, when they haven't.

Respect and acting like a 2 person family unit are something else completely.

Its not about acting like your dad at all ( tho whats wrong with that? ), when you are in a serious relationship you have to show respect for your partner , he clearly doesnt

Maybe saying he wants kids , knowing she doesnt is a get out of jail free card i.e she left me because SHE doesnt want kids .
OP dont consider having kids with him as things stand now , if you think its no fun at the moment imagine what it would be like having kids to look after as well

con_fused

Hi all, thanks for your replies.

I am certainly not considering having children with him because I am under the illusion it will make things better because I know it won't. And plus I don't want kids anyway so I'm not doing to be coerced into it.

I did say to hubby though that how could we have kids when we can't even handle our relationship with one another

And yes, given that he still wants to go out drinking I am almost 100% sure I would be left 'holding the baby' as it were. We are both ambitious people and I am not about to sacrifice that just because he wants kids and wants to be able to carry on with his career. What about my career? No way.

Karen_30 - it may very well be that I do not want kids with him but at the moment I don't see it as that. I just don't want kids full stop. I guess I am loathe to say 'Yes maybe in 5-10 years time' when it could get to that point and I am still opposed to having them and then hubby will have 'wasted time with me when he could meet someone who actually wants kids with him.

Karen_30

con_fused wrote: »

Hi all, thanks for your replies.

Karen_30 - it may very well be that I do not want kids with him but at the moment I don't see it as that. I just don't want kids full stop. I guess I am loathe to say 'Yes maybe in 5-10 years time' when it could get to that point and I am still opposed to having them and then hubby will have 'wasted time with me when he could meet someone who actually wants kids with him.

Totally agree - would be horrible pressure on you (and probably be at the back of your mind) to say perhaps we can consider them in a few years time, not knowing whether or not you would change your mind etc......it would be unfair on you too con_fused, not just your hubby xx

Steel_2

You might find hubby wants children now because you'll have to give up uni to look after them and you'll be in the home.

He can then go back to feeling needed by being a provider and won't suffer from feelings of guilt if he goes out and you don't go because you're at home looking after the kids.

He's trying to pull you back to the past, not into the future.

He wants the needy woman he married, not the confident one standing before him.

con_fused

Hi Steel,

I think some of what you might say may be true.

I asked him what he wanted out of going to Relate (this was before the kids conversation came up) and he said he wanted the girl he met back.

I said that was not possible - I said we've both changed and we can't go back to how we were but we can try and build from who we are now. Not sure he sees it like that. I don't know if he wants the needy me back - he wants the girl who used to go out and get p**sed with him a lot, or would sit at home and drink loads with him and have good conversations. But if we can't do that sober then there is something wrong I feel.

Karen_30 - yes I agree, I would feel the pressure constantly if I said that I may consider children somewhere down the line. Not fair on either of us.

con_fused

Well after the conversation he managed to avoid me - I got home on Thursday after work and we had someone in fixing the kitchen sink, he said he had to go back to work and stayed there 'til after I had gone to bed at 10.30pm.

Friday and Saturday he was working so had no chance to speak to him. Before he went out last night I said we need to talk today and he agreed. He went out as he just wanted to 'get wrecked' after the hard work he'd been doing (a project he'd been working on finished yesterday). I woke up in the early hours of this morning (about 3am), he was not home, nor was there any text message as to where he was.

Got a text message about 15 minutes ago saying he'd gone back to someone's house, smoked a joint and must have fallen asleep. He said he is 'dead sorry and will be back later'.

I felt like replying, 'How about getting yourself home NOW?'

I have gone from feeling upset to feeling VERY angry. I deserve better than this. What is the point in saying sorry when you keep doing what you are supposedly sorry about?? And this man wants kids.

determined_new_ms

Hi Con_fused, sorry things haven't improved since I last checked ur thread. Personally I wouldn't wear my OH staying out all night. when I first moved in with my oh he went out "to say goodbye" to mates he had been living with for a year, he told me he wouldn't be late and would be home my 9 and we could have a cosy night and enjoy our first night together. 9 came and went, I woke up at 3 no sign of him and then he woke me at 6 when he crawled in. I was seething with anger. I got up at 9 and woke him - not having someone lying around in bed all day on the wekends! I made it very clear that wasn't what I was after when I agreed to live with him, if he wanted to still be a single person drinking (and doing drugs) then that was his choice and he was entitled to live his life however he wanted but that would not be with me because my choice was to have a life with the person that I'm in a relationship with. I work hard all week and have 2 days in which to do things I want and did not want to have 1 day wasted with him lying in bed all day because of excesses. I told him to choose did he want the single life or a relationship with someone who loved him. I was prepared to end it there if he didn't want what I wanted. Freaked him out completely, he has never done that to me again.

Its absolutely taking the !!!! not coming home, give him his marching orders and if he really wants ur marriage to work he'll realise what he's about to loose. If not ur better off without him. Sorry to sound harsh x

jennieshrew

I'm afraid it doesnt sound like either of you are acting as though you are married or even know how to be married. Is it really ok for your husband to be staying out all night so often, mine never does and he would know how that would make me feel and so would not do it. I won't even get on to him taking drugs whilst out.

Recipe for a happy marriage: 1 cup consideration
1 cup courtesy
2 cupfuls flattery carefully concealed
1 gallon faith and trust in each other
2 cupfuls praise



Can either of you say that you are doing this or care about doing this?

Your husband can't be completely responsible although the way he is trating you is vile, you are also putting yourself first. You cannot change your husband, only he can do that. You can change the way you treat him and that is the best way to make him treat you the same way.

When he gets home from his latest night out, getting angry will not help. Try to explain how he has made you feel by staying out all night, by going out instead of spending time with you, by not letting you know etc.

I wish you the best of luck I really do. I hope my words are not too harsh as you have clearly had a terrible terrible night, I just wanted to help you chnage things for the better.