Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

con_fused

Thanks for your replies

I also think I need to lay down how his behaviour is making me feel. If he wants to carry on acting single then that is fine, but NOT within a marriage.

I feel that I show hubby consideration and courtesy. I tell him if I am going out and I tell him when I am on my way home - even if he is out with his mates - so he knows I am OK. I could just as easily not do this because he would never know what time I got in but I tell him because I am considerate of him.

I have little trust in him because of his behaviour and the lies he has told me so no, there is little trust on my side.

We have both played our part in not addressing our problems. There is only one thing that he says that bothers him about me and that is me not wanting to be intimate. But adding up all the things over the years has been the cause of this. Yes I should have talked to him, but I wasn't strong enough to and hindsight is a wonderful thing...

I have to say that yes I may be putting myself first but for me, it's about blooming time. I've sacrificed things for him. I moved away from friends and family to be with him, I have put his needs before mine for too long, so if I am putting myself first now it is because I think I deserve to.

How do I change the way I treat him? I am going to find it difficult to praise him or flatter him when he has decided to put work before our marriage and postpone going to Relate until April.

I'm sorry if I sound blunt, I don't mean to direct anything at anyone but I am tired and angry to be honest and just had enough. 'Sorry' doesn't cut it with me anymore.

jackieglasgow

I think you have every right to be angry. Staying out all night isn't on, he has a bed of his own. My husband has done this once, and came home about 8am. I saw the state he was in and know how he can fall aslepp at the drop of a hat, and had no reason do disbelieve him when he told me where he had been, in fact, it's become a bit of a standing joke between us. But he is under no illusion that if it ever happened again, he would be in big trouble, as would our marriage.

I don't want to be so negative, but is it possible he has met someone else and doesn't have the bottle to tell you, and the wanting to have children is a ruse to get you to be the one who bvacks away from the relationship? I have experience of this ( not personally, but a friend who went through a terrible time), and the man concerned is someone I would never have expected to behave in such a way, but turned out to be completely spineless, and couldn't get the balls to end his relationship as an adult.

If I'm way off, I apologise, I'm sure you have enough worries without me adding to them. Good luck, and stay strong.

con_fused

Thanks Jackie, I have no reason to suspect he has met someone else but I will be asking him. I kind of felt he might be seeing the girl he works with but when I asked him a few weeks ago he said no and I believed him.

I'm going to find it hard not to blow my top at him, he's still not home and I have no idea where he is, but I'm loathe to text him, in fact I can't be bothered.

I'm sat here crying because I am so so tired of this...I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I feel like I am fighting to be myself within this marriage, and fighting for a relationship that seems is a lost cause. There is only so long I can carry on...I am so drained with it all

pigpen

To be staying out that many nights/late evenings a week I would be thinking something was going on too.

In fact, I would most likely not be sat crying, I'd be packinghis bags and when he gets back they would be waiting for him to take them back to wherever he has been spending these many nights and they could keep him.

It doesn't look like he wants to be in this relationship.. but if you are both looking at different outcomes that may be one of the reasons.. but that doesn't make it your fault!

I think you do need to bite the bullet and face this and him head on and find out exactly what is going on and where you go from here. If he doesn't want to talk and is avoiding you that would say he isn't interested in fixing anything.

Moving on is a lot easier than staying where you don't want to be once you have reached the point of being miserable!

JBD

I have to admit the 1st thing I thought of on reading this thread was 'is he seeing someone else' .If he is then he probably won't admit to it just because you ask him. He will only admit to it when he wants to ie when he is ready to leave and even then he may try a bit of damage limitation. It's interesting that you have thought of a particular individual, is this your instinct at work here? Personally I would be doing a little bit of detective work now.
From the sounds of it you have had enough and who can blame you? You are entitled to think of your own happiness and he really doesn't sound committed at all. You have to do what is right for you and luckily you don't have children to consider.

determined_new_ms

Con_fused blow ur top! Don't stand for this inconsiderate behaviour anymore! We'll all push people if they let us. Tell him u've had it, and that staying out all night is definately not the way to show a woman she's loved or how married ppl act, the first thing I would be doing if this was my oh is packing a bag for him to see when he got back, 2nd telling him he's about to loose me md he either makes the decision now is he married or is he single his choice. The very last thing I would do in this situation is be getting intimate! Then I'd wait nd see what he decided to do next. Good luck x

con_fused

Thanks for all your replies.

Well he got in about 1pm while I was on the phone to my Mum wishing her happy mothers day. I've not mentioned anything to her at this stage, I can't be doing with the questions.

I tried the calm, serene tactic but it lasted about 10 seconds and then I launched into a bit of a tirade about him not giving a sh*t about marriage and putting work before saving our marriage. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no, I do believe him on this.

He said he doesn't stay out all the time, which is true, but when he does I rarely know where he is. I can hardly remember what I said to be honest as it all just splurged out but I said how angry I was with him.

So we got down to talking about the children thing and he said it wasn't just a drunken conversation as he had been thinking about it for a while and didn't mean it to come out the way it did. He said he had been meaning to talk to me about it and I angrily said 'When, when were you going to talk to me?!'

He asked me why I don't want children and I said what sort of question is that and asked him why he wanted children. He said he's sorry he changed his mind about kids...I'm not angry at him about that, he has the right to change his mind, but I haven't changed my mind and I have that right too.

After we'd calmed down we both sat in silence and I said 'Do we both know the answer to this situation and neither of us want to say it' and he said 'I think so'.

I said I still want to go to Relate, if nothing else then to get support for the separation. Maybe they can suggest something we haven't thought of but I don't think so given what the issue is now. We talked about divorce and the logistics of that...we've cried a lot and are still crying.

We've both been pretty carp at times during this marriage. I've done things to upset him too so we're both at fault. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but to be honest, that has paled into insignificance now because I think we are both of the mindset that it is more than likely to be over

We have agreed not to tell anyone in our circle of friends until we've been to Relate. I know people would interfere. We have other friends though who aren't in our main circle and I said to him that he should get support from them as I will from people around me.

I feel tired, I feel such a loss, but there is some relief as well. Through all of this I still care deeply for him...I do love him, not sure if it's the same love I had for him earlier on in the relationship but I do care for him and the next few months won't be easy. I just want to get to Relate now and see if we have truly run out of options.

determined_new_ms

Good for u Con_fused. Sounds like its the best option. If someone wants to convince their oh that children would be a good idea, staying out all night and drinking away loads of money isn't going to cut it. Saying he doesn't stay out all the time is just a diversionary tactic, and irrelevant. Fair enough if ur going to another town to visit friends but when ur married and go out in the town u live in u come home. that's the bottom line in my opinion. Stay strong x

jackieglasgow

Aw my love, have a huge hug from me. Get out of the house for a wee while and clear your head. Go for a walk in the park. X

lynzpower

Whether he talks to me is down to him, I cannot make someone open up who isn't normally like that.

I have to say this is an excellent starting point for exploration with your supervisors on your course for your support sessions.

Counselling exactly is getting people to open up and feel confident enough to have thier inner feelings heard, explored, made sense of.

If you truly believe it isnt possible, then you have to question what you feel the counselling course holds for you. I truly suspect you DONT feel like this, and feel "its possible with other people, strangers" but not closer to home.

It is entirely possible to get people to open up to you when they are resistant for whatever reason indeed entire professions are built on this truth.

I suspect what you feel is that it is possible, but you might not want it to be possible, hence the floodgates will open and the hurt you are both holding back with flow forth. And you might be scared of that.

You can open dialogues by listening more and talking less. I should take my own advice more often but there it is for what its worth !

Good luck op, do keep us posted.

Edit just seen your other post, Im so so sorry. I do think continuing with the relate idea is a good one.

hugs xxx