Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

con_fused

Hi Lynzpower,

Believe me I have tried to get him to open up, however I have been met with 'Don't try that counselling sh*t on me'.

I have to say though, that it's a different kettle of fish counselling clients as opposed to relatives and in fact, trying to counsel relatives is a big no-no. I would love for him to be able to open up to me but he has said before that 'not everyone wants to talk about their problems like you'. And he said he prefers to deal with his problems by himself, in his head.

It all seems a bit elementary at the moment anyway, because the issue of having kids has blown everything else out of the water.

con_fused

Hi all, just to update you that hubby and I are definitely separating now.

We spoke more about the kids thing last night and I asked if he could wait as maybe in however many years I may change my mind, but that I couldn't guarantee I would change my mind. I was prepared for the answer...

He said he couldn't take the risk of waiting and me not changing my mind, and I respect this totally. It wouldn't be fair on either of us to 'fall in line' with what the other one wanted because we would end up resenting one another.

So yes it hurts because we still love one another, but for me I feel some relief. I won't be moving out for a while as I can't afford it but it's not an acrimonious split and hubby said he would help me save for bits and bobs for my new place - I cannot afford the rent on our current flat on my own.

I am actually looking forward to just 'being me' and being on my own, having the freedom to do what I want. It's the first time I have not been frightened to be on my own and I am feeling really positive about the future. I am also looking forward to reverting to my maiden name - kind of feels like I will get my identity back. I know it's only a name but my name means a lot to me

Me and hubby are getting used to the idea, we're not telling friends or family yet as they have no need to know at the moment and I think our feelings need to settle down before we break it to others and have to deal with their reactions.

No doubt I will be back to ask advice on legalities some time in the future but thanks to everyone for the support, it was greatly appreciated

mistrihelen

I want to say congrats. That might sound odd, but I think it's a huge step that you should be proud of making - so many people can't face the fact their relationship isn't working, and here you are, more-or-less amicably sorting things out. If it won't work in the long run, you will both be happier being free to be yourselves. Lots of luck

con_fused

Thanks mistrihelen. I think we both know it's for the best and we can get on with whatever we want to be doing (which is very different to each other).

con_fused

Hi all,

I wanted people's opinions on this really.

Husband sat me down on Tuesday and apologised for things he had done and the lies he had told which he acknowledges haven't helped our relationship. I said sorry for not being more open with him when I could have talked to him about what was bothering me.

We were sat talking and he asked me if he could ask a sensitive question.

He asked if he was out one night and met someone and wanted to have sex with her, how would I feel about this? He said it's not that he's already done it and it might not necessarily happen but he said it wouldn't be for anything else other than sex because he said he 'hadn't had any for a while'

At first I did actually think I wasn't bothered by this and I said as long as he didn't bring them home here. But the more I have thought about it I'm really hurt - how can he think of this?? He has said in the past that sex was about love to him, well how can he just go off and do this with some random female when he says he still loves me

I went to bed Tuesday night feeling hurt and unwanted really. I know it's over but is that all he can think about?? Getting his end away?

Anyway, I text him saying I had changed my mind and would prefer if he waited until I had moved out. Looking at a house today so we'll see. He's been working late most nights and last night stayed out and didn't come home. Not that that's my concern now but...I dunno.

I'm getting more and more convinced that there is someone else and if there is I want to know. But I can only ask and he can either admit or deny it. I just think this shows once again how selfish he is, only thinking of himself.

Money_maker

So sorry you are going through this. Can understand the sex bit as well although most men are ruled by the contents of their underpants. Women look at it from a more emotional level.

Have you anything in place yet as regards the separation? Once he has moved out, it will be less heartbreaking as you wont know if he stops out all night. Does sound suspect, though.

con_fused

Thanks Money Maker - I will be the one moving out as I can't afford the rent in our flat on my own.

I am going to look at a house to rent this afternoon. Got another viewing lined up on Monday too so will see how this one is today.

We're also getting the ball rolling on the divorce. I think we just both want it done and out the way as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Although his attitude is getting me down, I can't understand why he can't wait or in fact why he had to say what he did as I would never have known otherwise.

The sooner I can leave the better really.

Astara

Having read your thread through I do feel for you con_fused. I think the best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and what you want to do in the future. Find a nice new place to live or find a way to stay where you are. Don't be rushed into anything as it does feel a bit like he has been trying to manipulate you into splitting up with his behaviour. I did also wonder if he has been seeing someone with all the staying out etc. But try not to let that undermine you and stay strong and get as much support as you can. You sound like a lovely, well balanced person with integrity and a good future ahead of you.

Good luck with your house hunting!

con_fused

Thanks Astara, that is what I am doing - trying to focus on me. I feel so tired and deflated though. Once I get my own place I have visions of me just collapsing from the relief!

He had said that him staying out was his way of dealing with the fact that our relationship wasn't working...and he's still doing it. Maybe he's going through more pain than he's letting on but his behaviour gives off the opposite

I'll let you know how the house-hunting goes

Lotus-eater

con_fused wrote: »

Hi all,

I wanted people's opinions on this really.

Husband sat me down on Tuesday and apologised for things he had done and the lies he had told which he acknowledges haven't helped our relationship. I said sorry for not being more open with him when I could have talked to him about what was bothering me.

We were sat talking and he asked me if he could ask a sensitive question.

He asked if he was out one night and met someone and wanted to have sex with her, how would I feel about this? He said it's not that he's already done it and it might not necessarily happen but he said it wouldn't be for anything else other than sex because he said he 'hadn't had any for a while'

At first I did actually think I wasn't bothered by this and I said as long as he didn't bring them home here. But the more I have thought about it I'm really hurt - how can he think of this?? He has said in the past that sex was about love to him, well how can he just go off and do this with some random female when he says he still loves me

I went to bed Tuesday night feeling hurt and unwanted really. I know it's over but is that all he can think about?? Getting his end away?

Anyway, I text him saying I had changed my mind and would prefer if he waited until I had moved out. Looking at a house today so we'll see. He's been working late most nights and last night stayed out and didn't come home. Not that that's my concern now but...I dunno.

I'm getting more and more convinced that there is someone else and if there is I want to know. But I can only ask and he can either admit or deny it. I just think this shows once again how selfish he is, only thinking of himself.

As soon as I read this, it brings this to mind.

He wants sex with you still and is trying in some way to make you guilt into it, If he wants a relationship with you still, I don't know.
It's almost a classic.... well if you won't give it to me, I'll get it somewhere else, how do you feel about that then?

Men don't think the same as women. It may not be guilt he's after, but trying to make you jealous and realise you want him after all.