Feeling low about marriage UPDATE

con_fused

Maybe he is trying to guilt-trip me. But I'd rather he go with someone else if that is the case quite frankly.

Funny, because when I said that I guessed we were both free to sleep with who we liked now, he didn't like that! What's good for the goose etc...

Bottom line is that I am not prepared to be pushed into having children with him, and I totally understand that he doesn't want to risk waiting for me to see if I change my mind (although he flits between wanting them 'sooner rather than later' to 'not within the next 3 years'). Either way I can make no promises.

If he wants to get his end away then fine, but not with me as we are past that now. That would only hurt me more, although I'm sure he could separate himself from it.

pelirocco

con_fused wrote: »

Hi all,

I wanted people's opinions on this really.

Husband sat me down on Tuesday and apologised for things he had done and the lies he had told which he acknowledges haven't helped our relationship. I said sorry for not being more open with him when I could have talked to him about what was bothering me.

We were sat talking and he asked me if he could ask a sensitive question.

He asked if he was out one night and met someone and wanted to have sex with her, how would I feel about this? He said it's not that he's already done it and it might not necessarily happen but he said it wouldn't be for anything else other than sex because he said he 'hadn't had any for a while'

At first I did actually think I wasn't bothered by this and I said as long as he didn't bring them home here. But the more I have thought about it I'm really hurt - how can he think of this?? He has said in the past that sex was about love to him, well how can he just go off and do this with some random female when he says he still loves me

I went to bed Tuesday night feeling hurt and unwanted really. I know it's over but is that all he can think about?? Getting his end away?

Anyway, I text him saying I had changed my mind and would prefer if he waited until I had moved out. Looking at a house today so we'll see. He's been working late most nights and last night stayed out and didn't come home. Not that that's my concern now but...I dunno.

I'm getting more and more convinced that there is someone else and if there is I want to know. But I can only ask and he can either admit or deny it. I just think this shows once again how selfish he is, only thinking of himself.

You cant have your cake and eat it , you are the one moving out , do you expect him to stay on hold? Are you not only thinking of yourself by moving out?

con_fused

But I don't want to have my cake and eat it. I just thought it was a hurtful thing to bring up and it's only been a few weeks since we decided to call things a day. We have been together four years and while it might not be long in the grand scheme of things, last week he was crying and saying how much he loved me and now it's switched to this.

I'm not saying he can't move on, I will move on eventually, but wouldn't you be hurt if you were breaking up with your husband/wife and a few weeks later they wanted to go out and get laid with someone else?

I'm not thinking of myself by moving out - I can't afford to live there - I have no choice. I might be thinking of myself in terms of not wanting to have children but if it's a choice between that and bringing up an unwanted child into an unhappy relationship I know which one I'd rather choose...and have.

Primrose

I am glad that you at least seem to have resolved the issue of separating. All I would suggest that both of you try and avoid plunging headlong into another relationship with somebody else straight away. It doesn't sound as if you will, even if your OH might. Relationship breakdowns leave both parties with large amounts of emotional baggage to resolve and though it might not appear so on the surface, going straight into another relationship doesn't resolve them. In fact, it can often make things worse long term if individuals haven't had the time and emotional space to reflect on what went wrong and what they learned, so that they can avoid making a similar mistake next time.

con_fused

Hi Primrose - couldn't agree more. I have no intention of getting involved with anyone. I don't know for how long, but long enough for me to work through my emotions and have some time for me. That could take years but it's going to be nice doing stuff for me and not worrying about someone else.

I don't think he wants a relationship. He said it was purely for the physical side. I guess if he'd wanted a relationship with someone else it would hurt even more.

I'm just emotionally tired and run down by all this and feel angry towards him at the moment. I keep feeling I am to blame for us splitting up but if we disagree on the issue of kids and neither of us want to budge then there is no solution. I can't force myself into something I don't want.

The old me would have done what he wanted - that would have kept us together and been 'easier' in the shorter term. But longer term I know I would resent him and probably the child which isn't fair (especially on the child) so I know me sticking to my guns is right for me.

jackieglasgow

con_fused. I don't know what to say. Well, actually I do, but a lot of it would just be wild speculation. I will say though, that I think that when you are over this relationship you will breathe a huge sigh of relief. I think this man is being very dishonest with you about his behaviour and feelings. After all, how long would a new relationship take to develop to the stage where children would be planned? In the normal run of things, for most couples, that would be around where you are now, 2-4 years. If he feels for you as he says, he would be able to give you that time to see if your feelings changed about children. As harsh as it sounds, because I think I like you, you are well rid. I hope you come to see it soon, too, and do not let this bring you down so far that it takes all your strength to recover. Good luck with the house viewing.

ailuro2

Hope you got on OK with the house viewing, try not to feel too gutted, men's second brains don't care about who they're having sex with, as long as they are having it. So while your ex's head says he wants to love someone, his 2nd brain;) says he wants it, and wants it now, thank you very much. Don't take it personally, you'll be better off in the long run. If he does meet someone he likes he might be happy to help you move on...result!!:)

con_fused

jackieglasgow wrote: »

con_fused. I don't know what to say. Well, actually I do, but a lot of it would just be wild speculation. I will say though, that I think that when you are over this relationship you will breathe a huge sigh of relief. I think this man is being very dishonest with you about his behaviour and feelings. After all, how long would a new relationship take to develop to the stage where children would be planned? In the normal run of things, for most couples, that would be around where you are now, 2-4 years. If he feels for you as he says, he would be able to give you that time to see if your feelings changed about children. As harsh as it sounds, because I think I like you, you are well rid. I hope you come to see it soon, too, and do not let this bring you down so far that it takes all your strength to recover. Good luck with the house viewing.

Thanks hun - I must admit the thought of finally finding another place, getting all my stuff in and closing the front door will be a huge relief to me.

I spoke to someone at work who said the same as you about him waiting to see if I changed my mind. But I respect his honesty, and maybe it's done me a favour cos I can get on now.

The house wasn't great to be honest. The agents didn't bother turning up as there was a decorator there who let me in but knew sod-all about the house!! It was a good size but the bathroom was tiny and gross. I didn't get a good vibe at all and I know what I am like, I will FEEL it when it's right. I have got another house lined up for Monday so I'll see what that one is like.

con_fused

Ailuro - yeah I'm sure it's his other brain telling him all this. We had a row when I got in from seeing the house and he was annoyed cos at first I said it was OK about what he said and then I changed my mind and he seemed to think I changed it because I have been getting other people's opinions. I told him if I didn't have my own mind I'd be going along with what he wanted and having kids!

Had a bit of a cry so the stress levels have settled but I think it's going to be wise to move out as soon as possible because I think it's too much tension and we can just move on quicker once we are living separately.

ThinkingOfLinking

mistrihelen wrote: »

I want to say congrats. That might sound odd, but I think it's a huge step that you should be proud of making - so many people can't face the fact their relationship isn't working, and here you are, more-or-less amicably sorting things out. If it won't work in the long run, you will both be happier being free to be yourselves. Lots of luck

I have read this thread all the way through and this post echoes my sentiments.