Ok, it starts here

beanielou · 15 March 2011 at 6:01PM

At least you dont have to wait too long.
I will be thinking of you,sending you positive vibes and as I chant I will chant for you too.
Take care of you x

Firewalker · 15 March 2011 at 6:39PM

williamD1964 wrote: »

Wordsmith, as for knowing of she wants a divorce? Telling me just to "!!!! off" this morning when she was telling me how useless I was, I would say that is a bloody big hint wouldnt you? As fvor my feelings towards her, well contempt may be too strong a word but then...

Thanks for putting up with me

William, you are old enough (ans supect experienced with people and women enough) to know that a lot of the time we say things we don't really mean (because we are hurt and want to hurt) or even pain bulshit. You probably really have to PM my OH (MrFW) and he will tell you how much screeming at him and using four letter words I can certainly spell (you have noticed my spelling no doubt) I did slightly over a year ago.

Think what you are doing - being on your own sound attractive but the main responsibility will still be there. Twinnies...Lovely by the sound of it.

People can lose their closeness and keeping thing back only makes it worse. Somethings you have to keep back but share the rest with your wife.

Worse case scenario is not about the things you can do to make it worse - it is to see that loads of the things you thing might happen (with you doing little) are plain mad. The probability of all you described happening is low - if you don;t do it.

Go out, walk, do some thinking. Buy something to drink, go back and sit your wife down. Start ntalking a tell her how you feel; tell her what you think she wants but listen to what she is saying...

I am a witch, William, so I am sending wishes and will indulge in some questionable rituals (like iunvisioning and analysis). Be in touch later.

BTW, have you considered going to the 'other side' and asking about some of this there? As well as future possibilities...You are a member of the Matrix, after all.

Firewalker

williamD1964 · 15 March 2011 at 6:42PM

ok - Here the facts:

I feel like crap, and its my own fault.
I am looking at worst case scenarios because recently they are all that I can see
Perhaps you are right, that they are not hanging around because its an open and shut case
I really believe my marriage is over at this point. Not a knee jerk reaction, but a a seemingly obvious reality
If the worst comes to the worst, then the best thing for all would be to sell the house before its repossessed and we end up with nothing.
If the house is sold, the money left would be hers as I would want to provide for my children the best I could.
I cannot think about best case scenarios, as I do not want to hope and have that hope ripped from me again. I think that would be the tipping point.

Wordsmith · 15 March 2011 at 7:39PM

Don't think about scenarios at all. Don't let this become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

williamD1964 · 15 March 2011 at 8:22PM

Just put the kids to bed. I feel like a total fraud. I ache inside and keep panicking big time. Am going to go for a walk to try to clear my head, though I cant think it will make any difference.

williamD1964 · 15 March 2011 at 9:40PM

Back from my walk. still very anxious. Just went in to kiss the kids and nearly burst into tears. Mouth constantly dry. Hungry but cant eat as I feel sick. Will probably crash on the sofa as feel uncomfortable in my own bed at the moment. Wife refuses to speak to me. I am full of self loathing and hatred. Darent drinkas I will probably not stop.

savingwannabe · 15 March 2011 at 9:57PM

William can you call someone? If not one of us call a real life friend or the samaritans. I dont want you to be alone. You are hurting yourself over and over. You must not do this to yourself.

She is still with you, angry yes but it is kneejerk I am sure. She is scared and confused and maybe you have always been the rock and now she is scared to deal with the fact that you can't be a rock all of the time. I dont know the in's and out's, what i know about relationship's can be written on the head of a stamp petal and there would be a lot of room left over. What I do know is that you are our friend, you are a husband and an amazing father. When i was a kid i used to dream of having a Danny Champion of the World father. That's why i read your diary - you are a success at that and it fills me and everyone with joy when we hear the time and fun you are having and giving to your kids.

The worst case scenario of losing house and kids will not happen. No chance. I bet you wont lose your job and if you do why aren't you going to walk into another one? You have integrity are reliable and i can't think of anyone who wouldn't jump at the chance. My uncle died two years ago otherwise i know I could have guaranteed you a job working for him. I wouldn't have had to ask he would have insisted on it. He would have loved you. One of those people who get's things done. Doesn't mess, doesn't bulshit and someone he could have trusted. I wish you had met he was my hero and like you miss your family members i miss him.

This feels like a crisis, doesn't it? like the scream painting. Something somewhere is taking place, this is a tipping point my friend and you have to wait to see what is going to happen. I reckon you will beat this and you will learn skills you didn't know you had.

Did you get something from the dr? The book i am going to send you will tell you why you feel so down. You are one of those people that tries and tries till you have nothing left to give and then you become low. Maybe some loss maybe in your childhood caused this and you are trying to please everyone all of the time. There is no need you please your kids that is all that is needed, nothing else. Noone is perfect all of the time my friend. This could be happening to anyone of us. Please, please, please stop putting yourself down.

Whatever happens you will deal with it. You have to wait, it is in the hands of the Gods, fate, chance. What i do know is that everyone of us will be thinking, wishing, praying, chanting for the best so please do not feel so alone. You sound so isolated - you are not petal and you must not do this to yourself. You are making it much worse than it is and by doing that you are losing out on solutions that are out there in the Universe. We are not going to let you fail and you are too intelligent to allow this to happen to your kids so please stop it. Stay calm, cry, be scared but know that someone up there is looking out for you because you know they are.

I am getting distressed writing this. I dont understand how someone we all admire so much can hurt himself this way. If a child of yours made a mistake would you turn them out? and tell them they were a failure or would you cuddle them and reassure them telling them it was a mistake and that they happen as we grow and we learn lessons from them? They are important as we would never learn. I know what you would say to your kids so why are you not being kind to yourself. After the last few weeks you have had petal you must more than anything. You must be kind to yourself please listen to this and stop beating yourself up.

I dont know what else to say other than everyone here thinks the world of you, we believe in you and you MUST, MUST, MUST believe in yourself.

love and hugs from me.

savingwannabe · 15 March 2011 at 11:09PM

William do you know Desiderata? this is the bit you need to read:

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
[SIZE=+1]Therefore be at peace with God, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]whatever you conceive Him to be. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]And whatever your labors and aspirations, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]in the noisy confusion of life, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]keep peace in your soul. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]it is still a beautiful world. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.[/SIZE]
http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm

We have a choice my friend. John Steinbeck used a hebrew word - timshel. I have mentioned it before. There is always a choice just give yourself a chance ok?

micron_2 · 16 March 2011 at 12:49AM

William, you will definitely be in my prayers tonight and tomorrow morning. I know we don't know the total extent of the work issue but we believe in you and I truly feel that it will work out for the best.

FW, SW and Wordsmith... such lovely warm encouraging words and I can only agree with what you have all said.

Sending you many blessings William - and I believe wholeheartedly that they will come to you.

xx