Ok, it starts here

williamD1964

Last post before work. I will gird my loins (metaphorically speaking) and will walk to the station. I doubt if there will be a meeting tonight. If anything they will have a fact finding and take it from there. Then they will, if neccessary take any action they deem neccessary (whatever that may be). As I may have said before, I dont know what they are going to be looking into. I could in theory be stressing over nothing but I think not. Anyway, I will know soon enough hopefully.
Have packed some lunch but doubt if I will be able to eat. 1st nights are usually manic. Loads of paperwork, catching up, reading up as well as checks, security protocols to go through as well as running the bloody station. I also have my own work to go through, so will try to get as much done as possible. At least they won't be able to say that I don't do my work.

Stepping out.

williamD1964

Billie - don't worry about my state of mind - I have had the obligitory lobotomy that all undergtound workers must have! We are a different breed (as most of you custoners keep telling us!)

savingwannabe

good luck William. Am still flipping praying.

BILLIE

My OH used to work for good old BR - in the good old days - but the building of the Channel Tunnel saw him made redundant as he was on the freight line at Dover Docks West. Am waiting with baited breath and trust that this shift goes well. Have just come in from 2nd job so will post tomorrow when you have hopefully had time to let us all in on what has happened. Either way you have our support. Billie xx

savingwannabe

Me too, hope it is ok. Can't sleep. Keep thinking too much caffeine today methinks.

skyvicky123

Hi William,

A fellow Lutonian born and bred (but relocated to Northants) and short term lurker here. I discovered your thread yesterday and read the whole thing from start to finish.

I am amazed with your strength and ability to keep powering through barriers. I am on tenterhooks to hear about your job this morning. I have everything crossed for good news.

We are all thinking of you and admire you greatly.

Vicky x

Wordsmith

How's it going, Mr D?

williamD1964

I am sorry I have not posted before. Today has been a little traumatic for many reasons. During the quiet period this morning (!!!!!) I did what I do best (or worst as it will turn out) and began to try and reason things out. As I have said, I have tended to over analyze things. I used to believe that by breaking things down into its constituent parts and assess each one individually I would be able to rationalise everything. This actually made things soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much worse because all the thinking made my head spin and my stomach turn.
To cut a long story short, with nothing of any conscequence (as usual) being said at work, and being on nights, management being few and far between and rumours etc and the usual bullsh*t, basically I was left to stew. Which I did. Thats seems to be one thing I am good at.
So much so, by the time I was ready to leave work, I broke down. SW, the number you gave me was used, and I spoke for about 40 minutes, really letting go of everything. I then spoke to a manager who has refered me to a councellor (I have an appointment on the 9th). I then went to my GP, who stated that I obviously had stress issues (really? Who'd have guessed!) and wanted to put me off work, which I refused, but asked to be given a "Fit note" which restricts what work I can do. My doctor also stated that I seemed to "Catastrophise" things, meaning that I am tending to looking for the worst case scenario in every situation, which was not rational or sensible or in fact good for my sanity.

After a LONG LONG night and a heavy morning I went home and finally spoke to my wife. There was a lot of tears, anger, and talking the air is now clear. I haven't lold her everything. I don't think she will is ready for that. But I I feel as though we can progress through this. I still am stressed about the situation but no long feel I am alone in this.

One thing I didn't tell people is that I had stayed clean for about two years. I was really getting things worked out. Then the situation at work changed when a member of staff put in a grievence against me. This went on for a year and was thrown out but during the whole thing the company seemed to disown me, to offer no support to me but just expected me to carry on and "get on with it". I reverted to type and got back into gambling, using as a release and a crutch. When I needed the support of my bosses none was forthcoming. As you can probably guess confidence was slowly eroded slowly. I rallied last year, getting and staying clean, getting my act together, but underneath it all I have been hiding the fact that I have been running on empty.
I can thank you people on here enough. I know that I would not have lasted as long as I have without the release that this forum and diary has given me.
Here is to rebuilding.

I am william, down but certainly not out, a recovering gambler and I will come out the other side.

boredofbeingathome

That is certainly a very emotionally honest post. Well done WilliamD for getting it out in the open and talking to somebody. I have a feeling that things will now improve

I hope you don't mind me posting as i have followed your story. Bob

beanielou

What an amazingly open & honest post.
Thank you.
I hope talking to someone will help you further & I so hope nothing comes of the work shannigans.