Ok, it starts here

boultdj

or

williamD1964 wrote: »

Talk about easy come easy go! wife has just appropriated all the profits! The car needed an MOT, and has had to have new breaks front and back, plus the power steering needed sorting. Cost = £345! I could cry, I really could!

Or look on it as at least the car is now safe to use for your loved one's and at least the money was there to use rather than having to put it on a credit card/use the overdraft, and keep on doing the compertion's, you might win another holiday which you can sell or use if you like

savingwannabe

Hang in there William. We are all thinking of you.

savingwannabe

Just going to sleep. I will be at work for an 8am meeting tomorrow. I will certainly continue to pray for you and wish you all the best for tomorrow William. Bless you and try to sleep love swX

williamD1964

Dear all, in the darkest days of my gambling days, when I used to destroy myself, beat myself up, and hatred and self loathing used to run amok through my head. I used to think about self harm, about doing some crazy things so as not to put my family through any more pain and suffering. I have been in some dark places. I have come out the other side. I always fought. I learnt to fight from an early age, as the youngest of 7 children growing up on a council estate with very few luxuries. I learnt to get by with what I had. Anything I did get was through hard work. I did two paper rounds, one in the morning and one in the evening from the age of 11. Of anything I earned, a percentage ALWAYS was given towards the family needs. I have had a maximum of 7 days unemployed since I left school at 15. I have done everything from work in a bingo hall, to 5 star hotels, and finally I ended up, in 1984, working for london underground. I was a still a niaive young man. I swept platforms, I saw out trains, I emptied bins and cleaned toilets. Yes, underground staff did that in those days, all the cleaning of stations was done in house so to speak. I soon realised that the uniform was like a suit of armour, giving me rein to talk to people and gsin my confidence. From there I worked my up. I worked as a ticket collector, then a station foreman, running small stations out in the sticks. I was quite happy. A single man, earning a good wage (and prompty losing it to the bookies). Then, in 1994, the structure of the company was changed. Staff were retrained and given new titles. The company also shed a crapload of jobs, but allegedly became more streamlined. What this meant of course was that you had fewer people doing more work! I became a multi-functional supervisor, learning how to sell tickets as well as run the station out in the sticks. In 1997, my mother died. My then boss, and one special colleague were immense. She gave me the time that i needed. He, well he persuaded to stay with the company when I was ready to walk away from it all. He persuaded me to retrain, take few courses, and push for a vacancy. When my confidence was at at its lowest, he pushed me forward. I got my promotion to Station supervisor running a big station.
In 1999, my brother, who was more like a father to me, died of lung cancer at 39. I was devastated again. Again, I rallied, and in 2000 I met my now wife. the next year we were married and life was good. Then in 2004, after a waiting all my life, my two beautiful, amazing children were born. They were a miracle. I have struggled to come to terms with all my responisbilities. In all the times I took risks, have been down, and felt low, I have never ever not been able to see away out of the mess or thought that I might not be able fight my out of the corner I have backed myself into.
Today, I feel as though all the fight has been been drained out of me. I feel a shell, exhausted and empty. I always, ALWAYS have been able to pick myself up. These last few days have been so hard.
Today I haven't bet. Sorry for the rambling.

micron_2

William, its good to get it out so don't think you are rambling. I know everything seems really dark right now but as you have said you have always been able to pick yourself up and you will do so this time. I'll be thinking about you today and sending out lots of positive vibes for the work situation to get sorted in a positive manner. I truly believe that all will work out for the best. Stay strong. x

Wordsmith

Not knowing is worse than knowing. The fear of what is going to happen is nearly always worse than what happens. You have backed yourself into a dark corner through not knowing and through fear. Today hopefully you will get some answers. If, and it is a big if, your fears turn out to be true, at least you will know and can start putting some mechanisms in place to cope. If your fears turn out to be unfounded, you will have gained some insight that will help you in the future, and a weight lifted off your shoulders that will have you floating on air.

Please be cautious. Go in with an open mind. Please don't start by being defensive. If need be, apologise and say it won't happen again. If it's the first thing you have to say, then so be it. If you know you did something wrong, it doesn't matter that "everybody" does it - what matters is that you accept you were in the wrong and tell them it won't happen again. Please don't, for your own future happiness, "take people with you" if things turn nasty. And throughout it all, remember that you are WilliamD, with a loving family, many life experiences, a hard and willing worker, and a promising future, even if you can't see it now.

You have faced harder things than this, and come through a stronger man. I hope by the end of the day you will be floating so high I will see you across the Irish Sea. My thoughts are with you, and, for what it's worth, my mental support, as you are a good man who deserves a good future - and you will have that good future, even if it's in a way you can't see now.

What time do you start work? And what time will you be home?

The very best of luck. Remember, no one can take away from you all you have achieved.

beanielou

What a lovely lovely post Wordsmith.
A tear in my eye.

savingwannabe

I have just come home from work. I am thinking of you and praying all day. Good luck Dear William. Please Lord look out for him and make it ok.

Whatever happens today I know you are going to see your hypnotherapist friend but i would suggest you visit your doctor explain what you have been through and ask if they can put you on some antidepressants. Your confidence is low but remember you have your family and many, many friends whatever happens you will make it. I am still praying.

Firewalker

Will, thinking of you today. Wordsmith is right - fear is the thing that stops us; we creat monsters but most of them stay in the horror of our imagination.

Later tonight I am going to pm you.

Firewalker

williamD1964

Unfortunately, I dont start work until 2300 tonight, so still have a time to wait. I think the word for how I feel is shellshocked. I know there are people going through an awful lot worse than me. I know that I am still lucky and have a lot to be grateful for, but somehow I don't FEEL it. I ironed my works uniform this morning and pondered whether it would be worth ironing more than 1 shirt. I realised that would be stupid because even I doubt they would suspend me straight away. May go swimming at lunch time. Thank you all for all your support. I need to get tonight over with. Thanks again